Guilt(17)

Saya_G

So I am working on placing my mother. She is 86, has good days and bad with her dementia. Her awareness comes in and out throughout the day. 

Many years ago, the doctor suggested knee replacement surgery, a friend of Mom’s told her it would hurt a lot! So mom opted not to have the surgery. It’s too late now, but her knees are getting sooooo much worse. We are using her wheelchair a lot more often then ever before.

I can’t be her full time caregiver, the only other available sibling has her own issues, but even if she didn’t have other issues, sis is not physically able to give our mother the care/ assistance that mom needs. 

My guilt is that mom keeping thanking me, all the while I know I am working to have her placed in long term memory care! She has always been against ever going to a facility! 

The facility we are leaning with has a new owner, the improvements in just two months of new ownership are big! I’ve heard from several people it’s a good facility. That said, it still looks a little rough! Although the plan is to do a total remodel! Top to bottom! It is going to be the place to be! 

Problem is that my mom has always been drawn to pretty things - she’s not going to see the potential!

So how do I deal with the guilt of placing her, knowing she would never want us to, and how do I convince her it will be great?!

Saya_G

Lor2014

First, you have to take care of yourself first. Remembering that may ease some guilt. Caregivers sometimes die before the patient because of the stress that it causes. You will be better for your mom if you take care of yourself, and your mother may be safer in a skilled facility.

In some cases, it's better to not visit your mother for a couple weeks so that she gets used to the new facility and schedule. I don't think you can convince her, especially with the fact that dementia can change the (lack of) logic that occurs.

A support group along with dementia education may help you as well. This is not an easy road. I still struggle with each changing phase of this disease. Good luck.

dayn2nite2

Good care in a facility doesn't come from "pretty things."  It comes from warm people who care.  Don't worry about the environment - clean and worn is fine.  No odors.  Staff who are adept at caring for the elderly and treat them with dignity is what you want to see.  Word of mouth is important too.

I know of a beautiful facility that lets its residents stay in their private rooms all day, even taking their meals there.  Not surprisingly, people who stay in their rooms are easier to care for and the staff seems a bit rougher around the edges, and the residents are rarely seen in the common areas.  Isolation kills the spirit.

I would rather see only the sick staying in their room and everyone else watching Gunsmoke on TV or engaged in an activity in a more institutional-feeling but clean and odor-free facility any day.

harshedbuzz

Saya_G wrote:

So how do I deal with the guilt of placing her, knowing she would never want us to, and how do I convince her it will be great?!

Saya_G

At a certain point guilt is not only unjustified, it interferes with making the best decisions. Her care needs drive your choices. You are not able to provide the level of care she needs and neither is your sister. Your mother did not create a workable plan to pay for 24/7 care in her own home, so a facility is your only option. 

There are plenty of posts around choosing the best MCF. I had a lot of options- I actually drove past something like 7 on my way to my parents' house, and another 5 before I got to the one that was the best fit at the time. I toured around a dozen; when you do, if you live in a state where Medicaid doesn't cover MC, be sure to tour the affiliated SNF to which she might be turfed if she outlives her assets. A couple places I toured had a lovely MC wing and a seriously dismal SNF which they claimed was due to be renovated. TBH, I don't think my dad could have been settled in an area where construction was happening. He was in rehab for a month early in the disease and it really bothered him to have spaces off limits and noise. 

At the end of the day my 2nd choice (first was a mostly male vets' facility with great staff and a waiting list) was ideal. It wasn't "fancy" but the design and care was dementia-informed with practices like having his main caregivers on the day and evening shifts take alternate days off so he always had a CG who was familiar with him and vice versa. 

As to the bolded? 

It's not going to be great; but if you choose well it should be a lot better in terms of consistent and professional care. You may find with more socialization, a better diet, routine and structure that she may do better. 

I would not try to convince her about anything. I would move her from rehab to MC under the guise of it being a "step-down rehab" until she and sis can move back home. Tell her what is most comforting.

HB