Mom doesn't know who I am anymore...

Lor2014

My mother has had bouts of not knowing who I am, but during a recent 2 hour visit, she had no idea that I was her daughter for my entire visit. She chose to read the newspaper I brought her and didn't even talk to me, although she wanted me to stay.

So it seems she knows I am "her person," but she did not hug me with the familiarity she usually has for me. And with her usual weekly phone call that proceeds my visit, she told me she hasn't seen me in "years." I am so so sad.

ninalu

Hi Lor2014,
I am so sorry. It's hard to lose the closeness that comes with being known. My mom and I recently started going down this path and I know exactly what you mean about the hug. 

From one daughter to another, sending you my warm wishes.

King Boo

There is a very unique pain to not being recognized. 

It does not mean that there is not value in your visits; you clearly bring comfort (she wanted you to stay), she needs you to be her advocate. 

This may come and go, or it may stay.

At a certain point, when I visited, I would identify myself.  "Hi, it's Jane Doe!  I brought you a snack, and I'm going to visit with you for a bit!"

Sometimes this would facilitate recognition; often not. 

Once I was really not recognized all the time, I made peace with this.  His enjoyment of his days did not really hinge on recognizing me; that was my loss to deal with.  He loved his snacks, his activities, going to church.  Even if our relationship was gone in his mind, and I was 'that nice girl", it did not undo our lifelong relationship.  I had to assume the role of guardian angel for now.

Pretty far along, during a typical visit, with a blank blank face, 15 minutes in, he brightened a bit, smile, looked very pleased and said "Oh, it's Jane!  Hi Jane."

One of those moments to hold close.

It's very hard. It does not negate all the years of your relationship.

Deep breath, and onward.

I am so very sorry.

MsReliable

Lor2014, I feel for you. It's very sad when your parent doesn't know you anymore.  My father is heading into the same path -though he is also expressing affection for anyone around him by proposing marriage -to nurses, CNAs and even to me! 

When he doesn't know me, I just go into his world and become whoever he thinks I am - a nice stranger, an old friend, or whatever. We can still talk or spend pleasant time together this way. It took a while to get used to this but it is also less stressful. The more expectations I let go of, the more I can enjoy and make good memories in the time we have left.

King Boo's  'Guardian Angel' comment helped me too. 

SusanB-dil

Big HUGS to you...    understand.    not alone.

wyoming daughter

Hi Lor2014 - I'm so sorry, it has to hurt.  I know that day is coming for me soon.  I hope I can be strong.  You are not alone.

Lor2014

Thank you everyone for your support. Somehow, it just feels comforting to know that I am not alone. I have anxiety before my visit, love being with her during the visit, and I am so sad after the visit. It breaks my heart.

J's daughter

Whether my Mom knew who I was or not, I always wanted her to know that the person with her (me) loved her very much.  My goals were 1) was she safe and 2) was she loved.  If I could achieve a moment of joy, that was a bonus.  Dang it hurts when recognition no longer exists.

Space within

Lor2014,

 Aw, I understand the hurt and sadness. So very sorry.  I still can recall the feeling in my heart when my LO asked me  who i was and stated she didn't know me.    

It was almost a lesson in love, for me.  Another chapter of the mother/daughter relationship/friendship.  

 The good news is we shared many happy and connected loving times even though for her, we didn't know each other. 

Big hug to you. 

I second or third the KingBoo's" comment on guardian angel.   

KforMom

This is a pain I know all too well. My mom still remembers my name most of the time and knows she trusts me, but she forgets that I am her daughter sometimes. On her 68th birthday in October, we had a lovely day out and I thought it was so nice, and then as I drove her home she started asking me about my mother. She thought my mother was her aunt. It was crushing. But I take comfort in knowing that even though she may not remember our relationship, deep down she knows we share a special bond, and she will always be my mother.

Anewsunset

I’m new to this forum but have been reading comments left by all that are dealing with this terrible topic. I was wondering how you make the decision between moving your LO from AS to either MC or a SNF. I have been touring both and there seems to be little real difference between the two. She does not like to be alone and says she loves people, but this too changed when I moved her from home to the AS facility. I’m not sure if I should have a neurologist weigh in on a decision or if that is just something I will have to do. Thoughts?

BethMimi

The first time I realized my mother didn't know who I was I walked away and had a good cry.  I have gotten used to it but then that's me.  I call her Mom every chance I get.  Sometimes she replies and calls me darling.  Then I know something might still be there.  But we always have a nice time.  She laughs at things she talks about.  I don't understand what she is saying but I laugh too. We share a nice snack, etc.  So I have to be content with that. But It really sucks.  Sometimes I just want my Mom.  We were very close. 

My brother doesn't visit because she doesn't recognize him.  But I believe on some level the spirit knows.  But it is very lonely and sad because we are saying goodbye to our LO in a very strange way.  I'm sorry you are going through this too. This forum is so comforting, we are all here for eachother. 

Hugs and Prayers (())

GothicGremlin

 I'm so sorry - I almost don't have words.

My sister still knows me, but she's starting to forget people now, not just friends but long term family members.  I'm hoping for a few more months, but who really knows.

The mother-daughter relationship is especially tough. My mom didn't have dementia, and was fine until she wasn't, but I did get a preview of what it's like not to be known. Many years ago my mom had meningitis (although we didn't know it at first). My mom was in the emergency room, and me and my dad were both there. The nurse attending my mom asked my mom to look at me and tell her if she knew who I was. My mom looked directly at me, and said "no". I was no more than a foot away from her. And I could see in her face that she really didn't know who I was. No recognition at all.  Thankfully I'm good in a pinch and I told her not to worry, it was fine that she didn't know me.  In my head I was screaming.  She recovered, but had no memory of that night (probably a good thing). I never told her what happened because it would have been too upsetting for her.

A note on time - when you said that mom told you she hadn't seen you in years .... My sister has done that with me. Yesterday I called her and she told me she hadn't talked to me in a long time. I had talked with her two hours prior.  She also told me that she's lived in memory care "for years". It's been a month.  Alzheimer's is weird and terrible.