Mostly venting. Managing both parents care at the same time.

SwartzMama80

I'm overwhelmed.  I had my 78 yo father with health issues placed into personal care a few weeks ago and my 70 yo mother with alzheimers placed into memory care at the same time.  It was a circus getting them there.

My mom seems to be doing OK (not great, but better than expected) and the facility is planning on moving her in with my dad next week (she'll likely have to wear one of those bracelets to notify staff if she leaves the building).  I'm really happy about this as it was breaking my heart that they had to be apart.

My dad however, has been mentally declining.  At first he seemed content with the move but since has been argumentative, suspicious of me, telling staff he's being kept against his will, showing up in public spaces in the facility completely nude and losing control of his bowels.  For some reason I'm having a hard time getting him evaluated for dementia, but it's in the works.

I'm an only child, which is great in that all decision making is on me....but also...all decision making is on me.  I have a complicated relationship with my parents and before all of this I kept visits to a minimum.  I don't have the warm feelings I see described in a lot of posts.  I don't feel guilty, but more burdened.  Now I'm in this weird position of feeling like I'm supposed to be there to support them, but knowing they blame me for all of this and are frankly just mean about it.  Like I get it, but also this is taking a toll (already!  We're only two weeks in!) on my mental health.  I have three young children that I have to (and want to) parent and sometimes this feels like it gets in the way.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here.  Just maybe putting it out there that I just hate all of this. It's sad and unfair and infuriating.

Lor2014

First, make sure you take care of YOU first. Sometimes the stress of taking care of a family member can result in more health problems for you than the patient.

Second, know that it would be a difficult situation even if you got along well with your parents.

Third, I would talk to the director of nursing and ask for recommendations going forward. It sounds like you need some legal counsel of financial and health POA, you should be co-owner of their checking account, etc. The living facility may help you because they have seen these situations before and it's in their best interest to get paid in a timely manner.

The alz.org website may still have a toll free # for you to call for guidance. Perhaps and elder care attorney could help, as well. In many instances, attorneys offer a first consultation free of charge.

Good luck.

King Boo

I would absolutely halt moving your Mom in with your paranoid, walking around naked, incontinent Dad for the time being.  Until you have a handle what is going on with Dad.

The move sounds to me like it will be HIM moving to MC with her.  After any new, underlying medical conditions are ruled out like a UTI, infection, etc.

Otherwise, you may have one mell of a hess on your hands, with 2 people at a lower level of care than they need to stay (you do NOT want to risk them being asked to leave or sent to the hospital and the facility refusing to take them back).   Keep them both at a higher level of care until this is sorted out.

You are doing great.  As decision makers, we have a moral obligation to make sure they get appropriate care.  It is not always possible to do it with warm fuzzies and fondness.  That's OK.  Even when it is there,sometimes the damaged brain does not well receive it.

harshedbuzz

I am so sorry you are caught up in all of this. Dementia sucks, but it is next level suckitude when you did not enjoy a warm and loving relationship with the ParentWD whose needs threaten to take over your life. BTDT.

When I first came here I kind of felt like an outsider reading posts where other members were gutted by the loss of a parent by degrees. TBH, I felt a little broken. I was not dad's favorite- my late sister was. In his more unfiltered moments he would tell my mother "the wrong one died". After years of being doting grands to my sister's kids, they moved away when my son was little and made visits so unpleasant we didn't do them often. I told my husband my dad would come back when he needed his butt wiped and so it went.

I organized excellent care for my dad but more because of who I am than who he was.

HB

abc123

I agree with King Boo about not moving mom in with dad at this time. I'm sorry you have to be here. I can relate to many of the things you mentioned. I really think my 85 year old dad is in early stage dementia of some kind. Mom is late stage Alz. Have you seen a CELA to make certain everything is in proper order? I'm sorry about your dad. Hopefully it's just a UTI. Again, I'm sorry you have to be here.

HB, I think of you often! You have taught me so many things. I'm really sorry your pad was such a drick. My dad suffers from the same thing.