A terrible week

French

For the past two weeks, my partner has been in a nearby MC unit.  It went well, but it is clear that he preferred Tunisia and the director validated that this choice is more appropriate for his age.

On Sunday, his mother went to see him there. He categorically refused to see her and became very angry. The staff managed very well and he hasn’t been obliged to see her.

She panicked and couldn't figure out how to get out of the building (there are codes to type in to get out as you would imagine, but she didn't even think about that). 

On Sunday night I had a very confusing text message telling me that her son was in a jail and she thought she would be locked up too, but she didn't make it clear that he didn't want to see her. 

On Monday when I went to pick up my partner (end of the respite stay), I asked the staff what happened. They explained it to me. They spent time with my partner to help him get past his anger and he vented to his mother. 

I called my mother-in-law back and explained that she needed to let it go a bit. She wanted to see him during the week and I said that was not possible because I had a hard week and my partner had activities every day (adult daycare and hiking with caregivers). I thought I had been heard.

But on Tuesday noon I received an email from my partner's father (his parents are separated) accusing me of preventing the mother and sister from seeing my partner. And he was lecturing me about family. And right after an email from the mother demanding that I give her her son's schedule and the phone numbers of all the people who take care of him before 10pm. That from now on she wants to have his schedule and that the family be involved in the decisions.

I did not respond. I was shocked because she lied to her ex, it is defamation, and also because of the injonctions.

The 2 brothers of my companion who were copied on the messages responded by condemning the attitude of the parents and by saying that they support me and find my work caregiving admirable. They also said that my partner is still able to express what he wants and it must be respected. 

The sister responded by supporting the parents' reaction, which is healthy, by explaining all that she had done for her brother (nothing in fact) and that my way of taking care of him is archaic... even though she never came and never called. She says that from now on she will talk to the professionals who take care of her brother. 

All week I received messages from the mother. I never answered. We slept very little because of this stress. My partner is sticking to his guns and does not want to see his mother.

Yesterday she wrote again to say that on Sunday morning she would be in front of our house from 11:00 to 11:30 and my partner's son called to say that his grandmother had offered to have lunch with her and his father at the restaurant on Sunday. He directly suspected a trick. I explained everything to him and my partner next to me said "she's a bitch, I don't want to see her". He asked for the emails, decided to print them. He will come in front of our house en Sunday, take his grandmother to the restaurant and ask her to explain her meanness and harassment. He will state that he has heard his father saying he doesn’t want to see his mother.

Today She called twice me and let messages that she want to speak with me. 

Tomorrow we will be at home but won’t open. I know that my partner could be violent if he sees her. 

We knew that it would happen. But I wasn’t prepared and as I am tired it is difficult to bear.  cried a lot and on Thursday I was very weak. Today as I slept better, I am better. We have friends for the diner tonight, It will help to not think about it too much.

Michael Ellenbogen

i am so sorry

Joydean

French, I am so sorry you and your partner are having to go through all that ugly drama. Life is hard enough without family members adding to stress. God bless you and your husband! You have gone through so much, and you are always putting the welfare of your husband first. I think you are a wonderful caregiver! Please take care of yourself! Hugs for you!

BethL

Please make sure you have power of attorney (medical and financial) drawn up to ensure his wishes are made into a legal document, so that family members don't try to take over in his care/finances. Others have talked about such things happening on this forum.

M1

Yes French, I too am so sorry, that it certainly stress you don't need.  I hope your plans for Tunisia don't get derailed by travel restrictions.  Please keep us posted.

You have done an amazing job of caring for him/planning for him.  Do not let these naysayers get in the way.  You have done your legal homework too, if push comes to shove your mother in law can take it to court, hopefully it won't come to that.

David J

French, I’m sorry that you partner’s parents are causing issues. It’s hard enough being a caregiver without the added stress of people telling you what to do and interfering in the PWDs care. Hang in there and know we are all rooting for you.

Jo C.

French; I am very sorry for what has been happening; this is a terribly stressful time for you. From her behaviors, I wonder if the mother has a cognitive problem of her own; is it possible she may have an early dementia?

Do you have legal control of your partner through the legal system?   It sounds that you and your Loved One may be partners and not married, this may cause some difficulty should the family begin to try and use legal proceedings to gain access or even total care control of your partner.   Being that you are in France, I do not know the legal system.  Can you have legal control for your partner through something like we have here such as Durable Powers of Attorney for Healthcare and Finance? 

Here in our country, in order to get the powers of attorney, the person who is going to give someone else control over themselves must be competent to understand what is in the legal papers and must also be able to sign his or her name to the documents.   If the person is not able to understand the legal aspects of the documents, then Guardianship through the courts would have to be applied for and that can be contested by others.    

A thought occurred to me.   Could it be that your partner's mother and some of the other family members are upset and even frightened because very soon their Loved One is being sent to live in a foreign country outside of France?   Could this possibly be a deep anxiety causing the emotional behaviors and wanting access to ensure themselves he is alright? Also, the son is being sent to a foreign country in the time of increased COVID surges and Omicron which so many are fearful of, and that may add to their anxiety.  Just a thought on my part.

If this is the cause of the reason driving the behavior, it may be a helpful idea to address it if it can be done in a calm manner.   Are they aware of how good the care is, how he will have access to medical care, how lovely the facility is, how happy he is there, and that you do plan to visit often? 

This placement will take their Loved One far away from them requiring travel that is expensive if they want to see him.  Not easy for an elderly person, and getting into another country if borders get closed down due to pandmic issues; perhaps they worry about that and what would be available if something is to happen to the son/brother, that you and/or they will not be able to be there for him in a very short period of time should an emergency crisis happen and he be alone.  Again, I am just guessing at possibilities for the negative behaviors that are increasing.

It is hard on you and I know you are having concerns about being able to do get your Loved One to Tunisia if borders close due to the pandemic.  It is a such a worriesome time for you, and again, I am sorry.

Looking at this from the other side:  As a mother of three sons and a daughter, if someone was moving my Loved One (child) with dementia whose reasoning and judgment was compromised to live in a foreign country, I too would probably be deeply concerned.  Even though it was to a good care environment that my Loved One seemed to like , I think that I would be extremely worried and anxious about so much as there would not be a family member visiting several times a week to ensure that all was going well or who could be with him in minutes if a health crisis occurred,  and worry whether all needs could be appropriately met as the dementia advanced.  That would last until I made a visit and saw how good things really were and how content my child was; then I would be fine. Do not know if that is your partner's mother's situation, but she needs to be easier on you if she is capable of doing so; you have taken all responsibilty for her son for a very long time and done it very successfully.

If this is part or all of what has the mother so upset, it may be that if she knew more and saw brochures and  photos of the care facility, or even if she was able to fly to see where her son will be and how happy he is after he has been placed, perhaps that would put her mind and heart at ease.  It may be that communication or even a visit IF all the behaviors calmed down may be helpful rather than resistance and blocking which seems to be escalating matters. Logic and emotion are often at odds and it appears that pure emotion is driving this.

So hope this will all work out well for everyone.  It must be exhausting for you; hang on and continue to move forward, soon things will take place as has been planned.  Let us know how you are, we sincerely care.

J.

Buggsroo

Hi French,

This situation sounds awful. I don’t blame you for feeling stressed and angry. The family has no business after you have done all the planning and work to mess things up. I agree, that Tunisia sounds like a much better fit for your partner. He was happy there and away from his meddling family.

Good luck in dealing with this. 

Ed1937

French, I'm sorry you have this added stress. It's more than hard enough without others making it worse.

Emily 123

I am so sorry French.  You have been loving, diligent in your care, and respectful of your partner. You have made very hard choices in order to take care of him.  It's clear that his family members who have seen you in action are supporting you. 

Maybe his mother is afraid of his move away or seeks some kind of reconciliation. You are right to support his wishes.

Is it wrong of me to hope that it is very cold with rain or snow as she waits outside your house?

Stay strong, French.  You are admirable.

French

We are not married but I have a kind of POA for finance and also his social life. It has been prepared more than one year ago and validated in October when he came back from Tunisia.

Just leaving the MC where my partner was, my partner’s mother wrote me « this place isn’t nice, hopefully you have found Tunisia « . But I can understand she panic at the idea that her son will leave France before she can see him again. She never asked questions about Tunisia and how it is organized. I would have answered.

My partner still doesn’t  want to see her. Yesterday, he told to friends « If I see her I'll beat the sh-- out of her« .

His two sons came this morning. I have often criticized their absence but I must recognize that when there is a crisis (in fact it is the first one) they are present and helpful. They clearly told me they trust me. I really appreciate how they answered and told them. They Discussed with their father. Recorded him saying he doesn’t want to see his mother and why (it wasn’t really clearly explained). Then when the grand mother arrived (she was very late and they were upset about it) they intercepted her and went for lunch with her outside. 

At the beginning, we where thinking it would be better if they could have their father telling to his mother that he doesn’t want to see her, but after one hour with us, they decided that they had heard enough and that they wanted to respect their father will. 

In any case, even told by her son that he doesn’t want to see her, I think she would have continued. I know she will continue and accuse me. I am prepared to that, the sons too. They have decided to record what she will say. 

I called the director of the MC in Tunisia to know how they manage such situations. They told me that this kind of situation is frequent. no resident is forced to see somebody. If the resident is still able to tell it they directly ask him and also the POA, else, only the POA. and they don’t give information but to the POA. 

M1

So glad his sons were supportive, that's got to feel very good to be validated.  Hopefully this will be the end of it, and you can get him settled in Tunisia quickly.  Fingers crossed for you.

abc123

French, I am so sorry for you and him.

French

Last act (epilogue? ): 

Yesterday I received an email from the grand mother accusing me to have instrumentalized her grandchild (24 and 21 years old). She seems to have forgotten that she invited them to trap their father.

And today a text message telling I am a wonderful caregiver and that she apologizes.

Sincerely I can’t rejoice. I keep not answering. This yo-yo wears me out. I slept only 3 hours this night and tomorrow my train to Paris is at 5am, coming back at 8pm. I wonder how I will manage such a day after this stressful week and weekend. My children and the caregiver  will manage the departure and arrival to/from the daycare. It is stressful when I am not at home.

Kevcoy

French, I am so sorry you are having to put up with this.  I have never understood why sometimes the person who you think should love and support their child and their partner / spouse can be so hateful and mean.  I've been going through some tough times these past few weeks with my MIL but unfortunately my husband can't say no to his mother and I get thrown under the bus.  Starting at Thanksgiving where we hosted six other people who all brought food my MIL just sat there staring at her plate and said she couldn't eat "this garbage."  That brought up the next week how I'm not giving her son the proper food for his diet and that I used to be a good cook but now I just serve slop.  Never mind the fact she usually comes over every night uninvited to eat my slop.  Then last week she left her cell phone at our house.  We had gone to bed when she came back to get it.  She said she knocked and noticed the lights were out.  So wouldn't you; A. Go home and come back the next day to get the phone.  Or; B.  Go to the back of the house and bang on the bedroom window until someone got up to get her phone.  She chose B.

As I said, I don't get it.  How is it some people only think of themselves and don't give a darn about the people taking care of their child.  I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time but you have an ally in me.

Stuck in the middle

Ladies, you are dealing with mothers in law who are not in their right minds.  They may not have dementia, but they are nuts.  Don't let them take you down the rabbit hole with them.  That means you can't care what they think, because they are NOT thinking in any rational way.  And they will make you as crazy as they are if you let their alternating praise/criticism affect you.  Birds sing, dogs bark, crazy people do what they do, it is their nature.  We're not allowed to shoot them, so we just carry on and disregard them as best we can.

abc123

French and Kevcoy, could you block their numbers? Just a thought.

Stuckinthe Middle, well said!!!! 

Gig Harbor

Kevcoy and French I think it sounds like your MIL’s really do have dementia at some level. I would only accept calls from them when I really felt up to it. I would try to limit contact with them. Unfortunately I would probably suggest they get tested and they would hate me forever.

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LadyTexan

Oh my! French that is a terrible situation. I am sending you virtual hugs because there is nothing else that I can do except tell you how sorry I am that this woman is making your life harder than it needs to be. You are an amazing woman and an amazing caregiver. I am sorry this woman is pestering you.

God bless you and your partner.

Joydean

French, I don’t know how you keep dealing with these people! You are doing everything in the world to make life easier for your love one! I admire you! Stuckinthe middle really said it best!  

God bless you! 

French

Nothing since Monday

Now I can concentrate on Christmas and our travel.

I have lot of things to prepare. I found an appointment for the booster on the 17th, the test on the 24th. I will be on holidays from dec. 18th to January 3rd. 

We will have a diner with the sons and their girlfriends on 19th and spend Christmas with my family and my children.

My position about his parents : I won’t discuss. I will just inform them by a kind of newsletter every month. They will have his room phone number in Tunisia. Not sure he will be able (or want) to discuss with them, but I don’t feel concerned. 

The travel is in 18 days !!!