Placement Guilt

Saya_G

So I placed my Mother. Which totally goes against her wishes.

The only way we could have avoided placing her was if I totally gave up my life. And still I don’t know that I could have done enough. So how do I deal with the guilt? I have other sibling - but none of them is in the position to help. 

So why do I understand for them, but not for myself. 

UPDATE: My mom apparently had a lucid moment, she had one of the nurses call me to ask me why she was there. I told her that we had grown concern that we could no longer give her the care she needs. She was very upset with me, after saying (sarcastically), we’ll I’m sorry if I was too much to handle or if I was costing you too much money! I tried to explain that the decision was made for her - to make sure she got the care she needed. She then said, I hope you can sleep at night! 

It was apparent that this was one of her lucid moments - so should I have told her that her dementia had progressed to the point that she was roaming at night, and that recently she had gotten out of the house during the night, by the time my sister woke Mom was almost a block down the street - with her walker! My sister got her back home, but she has no memory of the event. Would that have lessened her pain with thinking we had dumped her! Which would have been more humane?

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Lor2014

By nature, the caregiver, who takes care of everything while the siblings sit back, is codependent and feels guilt for the obligation that noone else is taking care of.

Know that in many cases, the caregiver dies or has significant health issues before the patient declines if they don't take care of themselves first. Case in point: my mom started having TIAs when she was taking care of my dad until his death. That was the start of her vascular dementia. If she had placed him in an assisted living facility or nursing home earlier, she very well may not be as bad off as she is now.

I have two siblings, one who hasn't seen my mother in 2 years (and only sees her 1 - 2 days per year, and the other sibling who hasn't seen my mother in 15 years. So it's all on me. And when I didn't take care of myself, my blood pressure was high and I had severe anxiety and depression. I am no longer medicated for any of those ailments since I am now taking care of me first. Luckily, my mother's sisters are in complete support of me.

You did the right thing. It will take you some time to adjust, as well as your mother and the rest of the family. Your mother will have a better quality of life going forward...and so will you. It's a win-win, although I know it doesn't always feel like it. {{{hugs}}}

Just Ro

Oh, Saya, the placement decision is so difficult.  I placed my husband a month ago and it is still very difficult when I have to leave him there after a visit.  Although I’ve had complete support from my children and entire family, doubt still creeps in. Could I/should I have waited longer. The answer to that is really NO. I was going down faster than he was.  The way I look at it when I consider a typical 24 hour period for him in Memory Care, it takes 9 caregivers (3 per shift), a medication specialist, a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, a laundress to wash the mountain of laundry created by his incontinence and a cook. That adds up to 14 people! Now, of course I realize all of those people take care of the other residents, too, but they all contribute to the care of my DH over the course of the day. Just something to ponder when you are feeling guilty.  I will tell you what my DH’s doctor told me, “You did the right thing, at the right time.”  Wishing you peace with your decision and no guilt.

Stuck in the middle

Saya, we are trained from birth to please our mothers.  That guilt we feel is the result of the early training.  All I know to do is roll with it and remind ourselves we have done the best for their care.  Whether their damaged minds can grasp that or not.

harshedbuzz

Saya_G-

No guilt. It doesn't apply in this situation. You have been dealt some ugly cards in this situation and made the best choice available to you in this difficult situation.

I am sorry for the exchange that prompted your update. That's so hard. I recall that, for me, the most challenging part of dad's dementia journey was the phase when reasoning and executive function had vacated the building, but cognitive reserve gave him a "lucid" veneer with enough bandwidth to be really angry. Personality and emotions are often preserved well into the end stages of the disease- like your mom, he tried to inflict guilt where wasn't isn't warranted. 

Perhaps it would have been better to stick to the narrative that the facility is ordered by the doctor until she's stronger and can be safe at home (i.e. temporary) rather than "you live here now". Alas, if there is one positive to dementia, it is that our missteps as caregivers are quickly forgotten, and we get a do-over before we know it. I hope today is a better one for you both. 

I found visits more successful if I brought a treat of some kind. Some good coffee, a sweet treat, a magazine, fast food lunch. He tended to excoriate us during early visits, so we made sure to only visit him in the communal areas of the MCF because he still had enough on the ball to not want an audience for his nastiness. YMMV.

Feel free to be angry, sad, frustrated, numb, even relieved but guilt has no place here.

HB

abc123

Dear Saya, I'm sorry she got so mean and hurtful. I'd go with what HB suggested, tell her the doctor wants her to be there until she is better. Don't talk about time frames with her. I'm really glad you were able to place her.