Mother diagnosed, in denial, no POA LV or HCP

sable86

Hello all. I did not know where else to turn. I live in North Carolina and my 71-year-old mother lives in Lake Work, FL. My mother was recently diagnosed with Demetia with the onset of Alzheimer's. She lives with her 74-year-old "husband" (not legally married) who has just been diagnosed with Parkersons, diabetes, and some others. My sister, who is in her early thirties, is currently staying with them to try and help but this is very temporary. My mother's doctor has already stated that she should not be driving and is in need of constant care. She should not be left alone to take care of herself, let along her husband. She never put a POA, Living Will or named any health care proxy. Lucky, my sister was able to acquire a durable POA for her father (my mother's "husband"), so is in a position to at least help him. 

I am confused and need guidance on what to do, how to do, where to do what is needed to protect my mother and get her the help she is desperately needing. I have contacted an attorney in Palm Beach County, but she says they need at $4000 retainer to start the process of guardianship, and this could take time? My sister cannot stay there much longer and I am afraid of what will happen when she leaves. My mother is becoming increasingly hostile, starting to spew conspiracy theories around family member and how people are taking things from her (like "missing" shoes).

How do I get my mother the care she needs now and get my sister relief where she can go back to her life? Could I even get her to commit to a POA if she has already been diagnosed? How to I protect her from herself and from the dangers she can face while having this affliction?

Any help will be greatly welcomed. I am at my wits-end.

Iris L.

Welcome Sable.  I cannot address the other issues but I can tell you something that may help you with them.  You mention denial.  PWDs (persons with dementia) exhibit anosognosia, which is a characteristic of the dementias that causes them to be unaware of having dementia and their limitations.  If you try to confront them to make them see reality they will resist and become upset.  It is better to avoid confrontation and to learn work-arounds to get things done.  Learn work-arounds from the members.  

Also learn validation.  "My daughter stole my purse!"  You don't have to say daughter would never steal your purse.  Instead, say something like, "I'm sorry your purse is missing.  Let's look for it together."  Know that PWDs put things away and then forget where they are.  This happens all the time.  Put valuables in a safe place proactively.  Keep reading and keep posting.

Iris L

sable86

Yes, she is constantly looking for things, organizing things, putting things away that she was just looking for then looking for them again. Then the frustration that comes out of her? It is just not something I ever seen from my mother before. It is heart-breaking...

Lor2014

It's so hard when you become a parent to your parents. Can you consult with a few elder law attorneys? Some lawyers provide a first-time free consultation. That retainer seems high, but I could be wrong. Can you contact the alz.org support line and ask for some advice? Your matters seem legal, and that will vary state to state. {{{hugs}}}

abc123

Welcome Sable, I'm glad you found us! Iris shared some excellent info with you. Hopefully others will come along with more good advice. Many people here have been exactly where you are now! My best suggestion is to see a CELA asap. Certified Elder Law Attorney. Some offer a free consultation. You could speak with two of them and decide from there. Please do not give the other attorney any money yet. We have members here who have been in your shoes, hopefully they will see your post.

sable86

Thank you for the welcome. I don't have 4K right now anyway. Trying to see where it is going to come from. I am just becoming increasingly worried about how much longer my sister can stay and then the 2 of them fending for themselves...

I want to thank everyone here for taking the time to respond. I truly appreciate you.

PickledCondiment

To add to the wise comments already posted, first order of business is to contact a certified elder lawyer, nelf.org, there are a number of them in FL.  (IMO $4000.00 retainer for the documents you'll require is preposterous). In preparation for the lawyer meeting, you will need to gather all the financial documents: bank statements (checking, savings, etc) any type of assets that may be available.  More documentation is better, easier to have and not need than the reverse. The lawyer can then help you determine the documents you'll for your specific situation. 

Also helpful, create lists of medications, providers (doctors, etc) anyone and anything that your mother is using, taking, etc.  I realize these are big tasks and you're overwhelmed at this point.  However, having all the information organized and readily available will help with the stress. 

Iris L.

Sable, while awaiting more advice from members, be aware that there is a free Helpline for one-on-one personalized advice.  Call the Helpline at 1-800-272-3900 and ask to speak with a Care Consultant, who is a social worker with special expertise in dementia care and family dynamics.  Note the Care Consultants do not give legal advice.  But they would be a personal resource for you, also Sister.  A Care Consultant is available 24 hours a day at the Helpline.

Iris

sable86

Does anyone know why the 800 number is telling me to "try again later"?  I was trying the last suggestion, getting in contact with ALZ Care Consultant. My mother seems to be getting worse. My sister will have to leave by the end of the week and I am afraid of leaving her alone with her sick partner who has Parkinson's. I am afraid of her getting hurt, or him getting hurt and unable to do anything about it.

Iris L.

I don't know why, that is the correct number.  It is good 24 hours a day.  Keep trying.

Iris

harshedbuzz

I am sorry you are both seeing changes in your DM and dealing with a particularly tricky set of circumstances in getting her cared for.

It's not uncommon for the elderly to not remarry as it can impact income from pensions and such. That said, even in a state like Florida that does not recognize common-law marriage, he may enjoy some rights as a tenant if he's lived in her home. If it's not her house, I would bring her to NC "for a visit" and stall on returning her until you have obtained guardianship. From there you could keep her at home or find placement in a nice local MCF.

When my aunt obtained guardianship for an older sister, she was reimbursed by my aunt's estate after the fact in both states. She obtained emergency and permanent in ME and then permanent in MA. The older sister was undiagnosed, so part of the process was subjecting her to a court-ordered neuropsych eval to show that she needed someone to act on her behalf. You would still want a medical exam to rule out any conditions that mimic dementia but are treatable. 

Another option would be to go home, wait until things hit the fan, call for a well check and APS involvement and go for emergency guardianship. This is a gamble because 1) something terrible could happen or 2) a professional guardian could get there first and take over. This is quite an industry in some places. They would pay themselves a salary out of your mom's assets, sell off her things and place her in the first place that will accept her. 

Good lunch going forward.

HB

MN Chickadee

You might try a second opinion from a different attorney. Some elder law attorneys are skilled at coaxing folks into signing the necessary documents to protect them and avoid the guardianship process. If she is still capable of signing papers this would be the easiest route, hundreds of dollars in legal fees instead of thousands. Sometimes the family says hey I'm doing getting my own affairs in order, the attorney said he could do your paperwork at the same time or let's get this taken care of to "protect your assets" or whatever lingo might fly and convince her. The attorney would be the one to ask if she is still competent to sign, he or she would likely determine this after speaking with your mom to see what she does and doesn't understand.  If she can no longer sign a POA then guardianship might be your only option. If you succeed you may get the costs reimbursed from the estate, the attorney can advise. Adult Protective Services can be a last resort if there is no other way and no one can care for her, but you risk losing control of the situation, her care, where she goes etc.