A movie...The Father

jfkoc

One of the most insightful things I have experienced. Difficult to watch. I ended up watching it in sections.

At once stupendously effective and profoundly upsetting, “The Father” might be the first movie about dementia to give me actual chills. On its face a simple, uncomfortably familiar story about the heartbreaking mental decline of a beloved parent, this first feature from the French novelist and playwright Florian Zeller plays with perspective so cleverly that maintaining any kind of emotional distance is impossible.

The result is a picture that peers into corners many of us might prefer to leave unexplored.

       NY Times 

June45

I watched it a while back and I know I am in a small minority on this, but I thought it was just "OK".  I guess it is because Anthony Hopkins portrays a PWD who is far more mobile and capable of tasks than my husband is.  I just couldn't identify with it.

CStrope

Many years ago I read "The Notebook", and thought it was such a good book.  Just a few weeks ago, I finally watched the movie version.  I couldn't believe how much I disliked it.  The portrayal of a dementia patient was so far off I was actually angry!!  It's interesting how your viewpoint of things changes over time.

June45

CStrope, I had a similar reaction to The Father. It just didn't match up to the challenges that I have caring for my husband 24/7, and I was irritated that I spent the money to view it on  Prime.  However when others talked about this movie on the forum a few months ago, everybody raved about it. My opinion is in the minority.

abc123

I recently rented it and watched it 3 times. It was hard to follow the first time. The character with dementia was well spoken, clean and well dressed at all times. The character in The Note Book was too. At stage 5 my LO refused to bath, brush her teeth and hair. She smelled awful. She strongly disliked children. At stage 6 she starting eating with her hands and would take a bite of something and spit it out on the table and then fling the food down on the table. On a 9 hour car trip she became car sick and threw up everywhere and did not realize what had happened. When we got to my house, I had to fight with her to take off her soiled clothes and clean her. She was covered in dried vomit and would NOT let me remove her blouse. She did not remember what had happened. Now at stage 7 she is incontinent and no longer knows what feces is. She can't/won't sit up or stand up to be cleaned. She will roll from side to side with lots of prompting. Her fingernails are long and always full of feces. Some days she is capable of answering a question with a clear yes or no. Some days she will only repeat what I had said. Some days she will fixate on a certain sound and that will be her reply to everything, such as clucking like a chicken or meowing like a cat. I realize that all of our LO's are on their own personal journey. I would like to see a movie that shows what dementia is really like. I think it would help educate the public. The Note Book and The Father are a start.

June45

Yes abc123, I agree.  You describe the a picture of dementia that is reality for many of us.

Nowhere

Anthony Hopkins very expertly mirrored my husband who still has his ADLs in place, and who also dresses in a button-down shirt and sweater. The part when his eyes glaze over and he angrily demands his son-in-law and daughter get out of “his flat”, followed by, “This IS my flat, isn’t it?” was heartbreakingly spot on. Hopkins deserves an Emmy in my opinion. The movie is very easily identifiable to my British husband’s dementia path. He is still walking and talking but he cannot recognize, reason, or remember. He’s paranoid and delusional, holds onto a strong “non”sense of right and wrong, yet can be delightfully charming or exasperating indignant. 

I visit he and his memory care facility “wife” and roommate frequently now. The only way I have found to visit without triggering him to become exit seeking is by going in a wig, mask, fake name tag, and thick accent. He and his roommate are a comfort to each other and do not care to let rushed aides or house cleaners into their “home” room. They have slowly allowed me in as I bring treats. His friend is more cognizant than he and so when he answers the door I greet him with a big smile and say I’m here to visit his roommate. He opens the door for me. I’ve held his hand and feet and trimmed his nails, and cut his hair. Last week he worked with me to sweep and scrub their floor. I can see the loving manner in which they split treats and look out for one another. The staff is aware that I am his wife and play along with my plan. When I enter the facility they always know exactly where he and his friend are, and it’s usually in their room. He was always quiet and more of a loner preferring home to anywhere else.  He still paces in his room most of the time while I visit. He would walk many miles a day before placement. 

This is my reality after 48 years of marriage. I love him deeply and am very grateful that he has someone to love him in my stead. He used to call her by my name, but now he’s forgotten names and even if he has children. 

abc123

Dear Nowhere, Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration and your disguise idea will help many people get to see their LO's. Your post proves that every PWD truly has a unique journey.

Last Dance

I believe that if they made a movie about what life as a care giver is really about, and how it effects their  life and the person with Alzheimer's or dementia life nobody would watch it or worst yet, they wouldn't believe it was really that bad. Unless you been on the battle field you really don't know what war is like.

Marie58

Nowhere, thanks for the update. Your love for your DH is SO incredibly strong. I'm not sure I would handle this situation as well you are, but I'm glad it's working. I admire you. I guess we do what we have to do because we love them so much. Blessings to you!!

jfkoc

Jumping back in....the insight....I was put into the mind of the PWD. I saw life through his eyes. The craft of the movie allowed me to be the PWD. I felt confused, I felt frustrated, sad, angry. It was the little things like the change in the color of the bag with the chicken and the husband played by more than  one.

Am I alone in that?

abc123

I got those things too.

Nowhere

Yes, I believe I read that the director’s purpose was to cause viewers to experience how one with dementia might think and feel. It was powerful.,

Thank you for your support ABC123 and Marie58. I’m thankful to be able to visit, but juggle guilty feelings of deception.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m making it easier on him or me. It isn’t a totally selfless act, and so I think for both of us. If he’s forgotten me in just the moment - out-of-site - out-of-mind, I do not want to cause him any more pain then he initially suffered when placed. It was heart-breakingly traumatic. I can enter to check on him a few hours but am not there the majority of the time. I take responsibility for letting go and live with the tough choice I made. Sometimes I am thankful for the peace, maybe because I have experienced Alzheimer’s rage and faced it’s cost. Loss and grief, along with wonderfully beautiful moments is something  I must balance and carry in my consciousness.