Uncooperative and unsafe

ChicagoDaughter

I am looking for advice for what to do when my mother will not accept in-home help but is adamant that she will not move to assisted living. I have spoken with her doctor and he agrees that she is unsafe living at home alone (not taking meds properly, abusing alcohol/OTC meds, unsafe/unsanitary living conditions). I live a few hours away and cannot move and she needs more care than I can offer her on my own in my city. I have POA and a doctor's letter deeming her incompetent but some AL facilities won't accept her because of her behavior and her dementia has not progressed enough for her to be in MC. What is the next move?

Lor2014

Assisted living is the next step. My mother living successfully in assisted living for 3 years before I moved her to a more secure, medically-assisted living arrangement. After 2 years there, I now moved her to a locked/alarm sensitized memory unit.

You might inform her vs. try to convince her. It will not be easy but with dementia patients, the parent-child roles become reversed. Good luck. You might ask some staff at the assisted living facilities your interview for advice.

abc123

Hi. Just checking in to see if you have made any decisions for your mom. This is such a difficult position to be in, I'm sorry. There are many members here who have been down this road. 

amylostinohio

    I am at my absolute wits end. I am only 23 years old, and have been helping my mom take care of her mother for 4 months, since the end of August of this year. We drove up to Ohio to see how she was, we had not seen her since before Covid. When we came up here, to our dismay, we learned that my Uncle and his wife have been pretending to be taking care of my grandma, and all the while stealing tens of thousands of dollars. This was earth shattering because we thought she was well provided for. They hid the diagnosis from us, claiming that it was only mild memory loss, but then we found the medical diagnosis from her doctor as we took power of attorney away from them. We now have to move her into an independent/ assisted living facility to take care of her better than we can, and to protect her from their influences. 

    I am shocked at the sudden lack of love and care ever since the access to money dried up, and deeply hurt that they don't even bother to try and contact her. The worst part is that she is slowly moving into the moderate stage of the disease, and is much more irritable than when we first got here. She loves my mom, and spends as time as she can with her when my mom is not working her 40 hour week. However, she cannot stand me. I just graduated and am waiting to hear back on my law school applications, so at present I do all the cooking, cleaning, packing stuff for the move, and most of the day to day chores. All of which, is ignored by grandma, and she complains constantly to my mother about small things that bother her (i.e. if my bed is not made just right, she will complain about it every few minutes and glare at me), she refuses to go anywhere with me, attacking and belittling me any time we are alone together. It used to hurt me greatly and make me cry that she would be so hate filled towards me, and not towards the ones who have ruined her financially and have emotionally manipulated her for years. I am trying so hard to not snap and freak out at her, it sometimes takes every ounce of my willpower to not say anything. I know this is a long post, but I feel so trapped and lost and angry, I hate this disease and I hate who my grandmother has become, not who she was.