Do you send Christmas cards??

Marie58

The thread All I Want For Christmas prompted this thread. We always sent cards, sometimes with a carefully worded letter that we always hoped was informing and not bragging. After becoming empty nesters and then grandparents, we sent picture cards. (Yeah, guess we were bragging on the grandkids!) DH went to MC last year in August. I didn't send cards. What would I say or what pictures would I include?? This year I bought simple cards with the Christmas message on it. I intended on signing our names and sending them out. Then DH had a big decline and is in end stage dementia. Not sure if I'll send them or not.

So, my question is, if you always sent cards, do you still? Do you update what's going on in your life? Do you just sign them? What do you do?

Rescue mom

I didn’t for a while (mostly a time issue) but I did the last couple years and will this year.

Virtually all are  to people I’m in touch with, just because I know they like getting holiday cards. 

I don’t say much, if anything, about DH b/c they already know, and no need to get into depressing details. Few people want to hear it, anyway. I’ll always say *something* though; just a few sentences.

jfkoc

Just a few now.

DrinaJGB

Just a handful now with no updates. Just signed. The ones who get them from us now sort of know what the deal is. I don't include any news. I figure if they wanted an update on DH/us they would ask. But for the most part they do not. Don't want to spoil their day.

  I realize that sounds snarky, but this entire journey has made me not very nice anymore. I just wait for the holidays to be over.

LadyTexan

The last couple of years, I have sent gratitude letters on Thanksgiving. It was generally a one page letter (including pics) updating the family/close friends. For example, last year, I talked about DH's diagnosis, the cottage rehab, my retirement and our move from Austin. 

I have been dragging my feet on the gratitude letter this year. What would I say? DH Is not dead yet. DH still has Alzheimer's. DH continues to decline. Caregiving is hard and lonely. I am grateful when the poop goes into the toilet and not across the living room floor and walls. Best wishes for a Merry Christmas!

You all know I am grateful for many things. Folks on this path understand, Others don't. My humor has changed and usually revolves around poop. DH's appearance has changed, so has mine. His face is usually blank and emotionless, I rarely wear makeup. That doesn't make for a cheerful holiday greeting.

So I ask myself, "what is the purpose of the holiday card?" For me the answer is to stay connected with family and close friends. To let them know they are loved and special to me. To let them know that I am thinking of them. 

Ours is not a life depicted by Norman Rockwell. I can't sugarcoat what is happening to us. 

I am not sure how I will proceed this year.

Lynne D

Absolutely!

We sent cards with a photo of us. Many will recognize the change in my HWD. They say “Grateful…Now more than ever.” This reflects how we live.

I addressed them and my HWD (between stages 5 and 6) put the stamps on. With every card he would read the address and say “(so and so) is going to sh$# their pants when they see this.” He was delighted.

Now that cards are coming in, he is so happy to hear from friends.

If someone is close enough to us, they already know about his diagnosis and our situation. If not, they can call and ask. I really don’t let that bother me.

It may seem Pollyanna of me, but so what if he has lost so much? So what if I am frustrated, feel cheated, and exhausted. I still want to keep in touch, for both of us. This is where we are.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Jo C.

Great card, Lynne! 

I now send out far fewer cards.  I send to the very elderly, those who are ill, and those few who I am close to.  (My active, altogether smart and living independently aunt is 101 and two other aunts are in their mid-90's.) 

I do not write any updating letters; if someone wanted to know they would have called or emailed.  I do write a short warm sentence above the signature and that is it.

HOWEVER:  I was ordering my cards through Hallmark online, and saw something I knew would delight recipients.  It is a taller "card" that opens up into a rectangle; inside of the depth of the rectangle are a pop-up tree and pop-up Santa Claus in a living room . . . . it is old fashioned and very cool . . . when one presses a button in the corner, the tree actually lights up and music plays, "Oh Christmas Tree . . . "  I loved it.  So, I am sending one to my brother who is alone and who is like a kid at Christmas, as well as to each of my adult children and each grown grandchild.  I know how tickled they will be when they receive it. (Well; in all honesty, I am tickled sending them!)

That is the extent of my card sending.

J.

Lills

Just call me Scrooge...

I think there is a stage for caregivers re sending Christmas cards--at least for me.  I used to send them and include my DH.  I tried so hard to try to keep the Christmas spirit alive for him (and me).  I would sign both our names and include a cheery note to include how we're doing.

Now that DH is in late stage 7, I won't send out cards.  Nope, not going to do it.  I still decorate the house for DH but that's all.  It's all I can do...  Sorry for the downer.

A. Marie

Here's my solution to the holiday card dilemma: I'm sending cards (or hand-delivering them whenever I can, since the USPS has temporarily jacked up its rates until Dec. 26) to all those who have hung with us on this journey. I've dropped several folks from the list who haven't bothered to keep in touch--or, in a few cases, have been actively avoiding it. And I will write brief notes to two or three friends from long ago that I don't want to lose. 

Thanks to Marie58 for raising this question. It's a tough one. (But then, aren't they all tough ones for everyone here?)

sandwichone123

Last year, mid-COVID and pre-diagnosis, I sent out actual cards, the first in many years. I included a Christmas letter with all the news that's fit to print (kids doing great, etc.). People were so happy to have physical contact, even a card. Then after the holidays I sent out to my own small family an email with "all the news that's not fit to print" updating them on the situation here. DH updated his own small family when he got a diagnosis, and I have briefly updated them a time or two since. I may send cards again, but no letter this time.

Stuck in the middle

Yes.  DW enjoys it but isn't able to do it without help.

Ed1937

In a word, "No".

CStrope

Nope.  Not any more.  I don't feel I have any joy to spread or news to give.

Mint

No

Donr

I send out maybe 4 cards

shardy

Absolutely, but we no longer send a letter. Only the card signed with wishing you a Merry  Christmas and our name and sometimes a random note like" hope you are enjoying sunny Arizona, we got 5 feet of snow last week. "... I don't think anyone would want to hear the reality of how Jim is.

When Mom was still here but in memory card and unable to read and write we sent return cards to her friends saying we know if she was able she would wish them the merriest Christmas ever.

Jo C.

Have to smile; some time ago, I used to send cards to a very large number of people we knew.   When I regained holiday sanity, I cut my list WAY, WAY down; well . . . . the "telling" thing was that we received far fewer cards too.   Folks sending cards in some sort of "obligation" to those who had sent one to them.   Silly.

Now, one box of cards will do for those who are elderly who I am close to, or very special in relationship.  Sure do save a lot of money on postage!

J.

Kenzie56

I just want the holidays to be over. I feel like I am in a Twilite Zone bubble and everyone outside of it is happy and having a great time.  I guess I am jealous of their lives...maybe this will change when I am not so exhausted one day. I am just so tired of trying to please everyone.

Jo C.

It is difficult when heavy change and high stress is forced upon us through dynamics that cannot be controlled.  I have always been a Christmas season person to the max and it has been especially my gift to my husband who never really had a decent Christmas as a child, and to our own four children and then grandchildren, and in a way to our extended families and in the process, to myself too.    Our house became the place for all holiday celebrations; Christmas being the biggest and the "bestest" one of all.

Dementia when it came out of lurking from behind the corners made a difference; but later on that one.

DH would put up colored lights around the eaves of the house and also decorated the wrought iron fence on the front courtyard as well as the bay window and the walk up to the front porch to welcome family and other visitors. 

One pre-Christmas gathering party was always for my way extended family members; another pre-Christmas gathering for DHs way extended family members; Christmas Eve dinner with just our family and then Christmas Day dinner with our family, parents, grandparents and other very close folks if a few were in town.  It was a labor of love that did not feel like labor. My joy and fun was to put it together.  Laughter, lots and lots of scrumptious really good made from scratch food and games and a huge punch bowl filled to the brim and then re-filled.   So much pleasure to watch everyone enjoying themselves and eating and laughing. 

For me; I have loved to the depths of my soul, decorating our house and the large tree which I did well in advance of Christmas to give me time; I really especially was delighted within myself in delighting my husband and children.  So; the family room, living room and even some of  the dining room has always been decorated with beloved items that became beloved through tradition.  Famous for the tree and the wrappings on gifts - I LOVED doing it.  The large tree decorated with old fashioned colorful ornaments; you know the kind.  Some made long ago, some "old fashioned" but made in recent years; also placed on the tree the homemade ornaments the kids had made when small children  - each  ornament really unique; popcorn strings added last and it all just so dear to the heart.  Loved wrapping gifts and making beautful ribbons and bows; stockings hung, fireplace decorated, AND . . . baking; and boy, do I mean baking tons of different types of cookies; enough for the "now" and enough to wrap and have last through the season.

I worked fulltime, so I usually took vacation days at Christmas but also got up to wrap and bake in wee hours or stayed up later at night doing it.  Again; a happy pleasure doing it in anticipation of the days to come. 

Then dementia came - both my mother with FTD and my step-dad, her husband, at the same time with AD ..  it was a time of grief at the rapidly moving losses; FTD was like AD on steroids.  Sadness in realizing my LO was far past the realization of much of anything.  No recognition of the tree, not knowing family members, unable to tolerate any activity around them that was not the usual rhythm of their day to day.  When giving a gift, mother could not understand what it was, but she stroked the pretty paper and ribbon; I opened the packages for her, but she was not able to understand what was in the boxes.  Tree, food, anything . . . . no relevance, but there was much in the way of problem issues. One thing she enjoyed;  she loved receiving colorful Christmas cards which she enjoyed looking at and touching.  Exhausting and so many families out there seeming to be happily carefree while we were in our own unique bubble.

We continued to have our own one family Christmas and this continued on after our LOs deaths, but it was not in the same gatherings and framework.  So many deaths from terminal disease and age as well as loved family moving far distances.  Still; we enjoyed the sweetness of the holiday and decorations and baking continued.    Until . . .

More changes . . . . as time passed, our LOs gone; I developed arthritis in both knees and they cannot be replaced . . . it is limiting.  This is the second year I cannot do what I used to do; not even the decorations or even baking; even in a much smaller way with no guests. 

Due to the knees, cannot  even do our tree . . . . my heart is still in it, but alas and rather pulls at the heartstrings.  The joyful noise is now part of the echoes of the past.  I miss it. Tried to find people who decorate and un-decorate trees, etc. for a fee; but found nothing.  Adult kids now out of state or out of area.  No more color; no more joyful noise of gatherings.

However; I really do realize that we have been so very, very blessed to have had all of that in our lives; and to have all those marvelous memories for all those years when we were able to do all we loved, and have our house resounding with all the joyful noise of our Loved Ones gathered together which was the "before."  We have those wonderful memories and the sweet echoes of what once was, not all that long ago and I am deeply thankful that we had that and I do remember to say "thank-you" quite often from my heart. 

Remembering my mother's smiles at receiving cards, I continue to send cards to the very elderly and the ill.  If it brightens a moment in a day, that is rewarding and I hope it does.

When the bad days are pulling at the caregivers, and when the whole world seems to be moving except for the carers, when we are "stuck" in the midst of intense problems and caring for others; it helps to remember if we did have better holidays that were experienced and some day; when one is recovered, "after," and I do think overall, recovery is necessary whether we think of that or not, that once again though we may be changed in some ways, we still have other years in front of us to make or not make them as we wish with a little bit of work when joy once again can enter our lives if we recognize it and let it.

Soft hugs to all; you are all so very special and if I could only find that elusive magic wand to wave, we would all be restored whole again and everyone would be feeling the peace and joy so deserved; especially at this time of the year.

J.

P.S. Anyone got an extra Christmas cookie?

Last Dance

Linda always sent cards and would write a personal note in most of them, so when she could no longer do them I started doing them. However I would only write a note for a few special people mostly those that either called or stopped by to see us. I still send them out but only 6get a special hand written note the rest just get the card.     I Wish You A Very Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year.        God's Blessings to you all Richard

Joydean

This year, only to a couple elderly friends! That’s it. Christmas is still special, the purpose of Christmas is not just for one day, has nothing to do with cards, and I know I can not make it through a single day with out Christ!

CaregiverHelen

Your post is so beautiful and heartfelt. I saw some of my story in it, too. Thank you so much for sharing. I am sending you many warm holiday wishes!!! Despite everything, I still hope you find a new version of simpler joy this season. God Bless!!

Jo C.

Thank you Marie 58; this Thread really started me thinking about greeting cards and how their place seems to have changed so much.

 Guess I should confess . . . . I love cards; just not Christmas cards so much.  Used to buy greeting cards and send them to my grandmother to let her know I was thinking of her when I was old enough to earn money babysitting.

Today, I have a file box where I keep an assortment of nice cards. While it is not many, I send one from time to time to the elderly, to those who are not well or who are lonely or those who are celebrating something significant. 

I love to get mail - real mail; not email.  Since email is now the big communication deal, rarely, rarely does a letter or card ever enter the mailbox.   So . . . I continue to send cards.  Not a lot, and just from time to time; BUT cards also need a little note in them too.  Our children will rarely if ever know the simple grace of writing a letter to a relative or other person.  Wonder if they would they even know how. 

Sending Christmas cards to masses of people is just not what I find a positive, so as said; only to the elderly, the ill and those few we have a close relationship to.

NOTE:  Yesterday, we received our first Christmas card . . . it was from my 101 year old aunt!    She always gets her cards out early.  She is as sharp as a tack as the saying goes; lives independently, is the person running activity games at her senior center, does her own housework and walks every single day.  Puts me to shame.    I had to smile at her written note inside the card telling me that people tell her she looks SO young, (and she does), but she said in her note; when she looks in the mirror, she thinks, "Yech!"

So; today I think I will send her one of the special cards I purchased that opens up into a 3D rectangle with the pop-up Santa and pop-up Christmas tree that lights up when a button is pressed, and "Oh Christmas Tree" music plays. It is a pretty card. I do that because I know she will laugh and be truly delighted and will enjoy showing it to her friends. My little tiny gift to her so far away in another state. Why not.

I think when we do a heart sent card or letter, it is because of a special reason, so we do it better and it really is about delighting someone and letting them know we are thinking about them and care.  To mindlessly send out scores and scores of cards simply because it is a holiday with nothing felt; well for me, it is, "why bother," instead of, "why not."

Just one person's opinion which will vary from others.  Vive la difference!

Rescue mom

I got a card yesterday from a friend, younger than I, who hasn’t  been in touch since DH Dx of Alzheimer’s.

It was one of those Shutterfly cards people make with photos. All beautiful, they did a lot of exotic travel and events, all pictured.

But the dominant element was the type. In fancy script, big colorful letters: “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Ouch.

Jo, I used to send those pop-up 3D cutout cards, and people loved them. Those cards are so great. You are so good to plan and get them ahead of time. And I think older people especially like getting nice cards.

Jo C.

Oh gads; OUCH indeed!   

J.

June45

Rescue Mom, if I received a Christmas card like that, I would hang it up and throw darts at it every time I get frustrated with caregiving (which is several times a day.)

Jo C.

Omigosh June, you have me laughing.  Great answer.

J.

Kenzie56

June, best response of the day. It gave me a much needed laugh.  Thank you!

Joydean

June, thanks for the best laugh I’ve had all week! I truly love and need this site!