How to cope?(1)

HerDaughterMissy

Simply put… I feel extremely sad. I’ve literally been crying for days. I’m a mess. I’m exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. My mom was diagnosed with dementia approx 7-8 yrs ago and has been living in assisted living for 6 years so it’s not something new but as life goes on there’s moments when I think to myself “ I need my mom”.  I’m grateful to still have my mom and I do what I can to spend time with her and to help keep her active. We go to Target often and to the library at least once a week. I’ve adjusted and accepted this new norm. The issues with her memory, anger at times, and fall risk. But with all of that I find myself at times going to my mom with expectation of her being mom prior to the dementia. And the roller coaster ride of emotions starts all over again. I started therapy but I more so feel like I’m venting instead of getting tips on how to cope. I want to be able to enjoy the time I have with my mom instead of being distracted by this cloud of grief and sadness.

Cobalt

I get what you are saying.  It comes in waves and you can't really tell the timing.  And when my son has a "good day" I keep thinking that he's not so bad and maybe he will go back to being a pleasant sort with a sense of humor and having enjoyment in simple things.

I feel driven to distraction so many times, I have a hard time sorting my own self out.  Am pretty sure I really need to leave the house at least for a few hours a day.  We do have caregivers in the home, so that's not an issue.  But in these Covid pandemic days, there just are not very many places safe I can think to go, let alone coming up with something to do.

I will be hoping others can share their thoughts here too.

BassetHoundAnn

I'm going through the same gut-wrenching grieving for my mom. I don't think one ever gets through grief easily. I've considered counseling, but I doubt a counselor could give me any advice for how to get through it. There are no shortcuts for grief. There is nothing to mitigate it. 

I did buy myself one of those lightboxes for SAD because I find that this time of year, when the days are short and the light gray, I always struggle acutely with grief for those I love and whom I miss dearly. I sit in front of it for 30 minutes every morning. Maybe it helps, I don't know. I'll try anything to get past the soul-crushing burden of sadness. 

Just want you to know that you are not alone. There are others struggling with the same grief. Hugs to you! 

ninalu

Hi HerDaughterMissy,

I so understand what you are expressing. My grief comes like a thunderstorm sometimes; one moment things are sunny and fine, the next moment it's a deluge. Other times it settles in like a low pressure system; with days or weeks of cloudy skies, low-level sadness and physical and emotional exhaustion.... like I'll never feel changed or rejuvenated again. 

So many things that I tried failed to prepare me for what losing my mom would be like, would feel like. And on top of that, Alzheimer's. Counseling helped a bit but the words still felt pretty removed from what it was like to live this way. I could talk and talk and talk but at some point the words were just words. I wondered if I was depressed. 

A couple things recently have helped me feel more accepting of the process and, dare I say it, grounded. 

1. A book by Meghan O'Rourke about losing her mom ("The Long Goodbye")

2. Reading about the concepts of Ambiguous Loss and Complicated Grief, which the kind people here have suggested to me when I've posted about my own feelings of confusion and loss. 

Sending you many warm thoughts. 

jfkoc

As posted above, you are experiencing grief and I have no suggestions for coping other than understanding what it is and that it has a life of its' own. 

Everyone here travels with grief by their side so please do come here  and share. It helps.

DrinaJGB

That relentless grief  is my biggest enemy and the thing that hurts the most. It is a trickster---waning at times to make life okay as you carry on with your day and tasks; then all of the sudden the grief jumps out of nowhere and hits you like a brick. It just will not let you forget what you have lost.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m sorry for all of your losses.

You must go through grief… to get through it.  

Denying it, wishing it would just go away is futile.  Just gotta feel it, live it, as uncomfortable as it is.  

I just hate all that we must wander in due to dementia.  

Gisel

I've been mom's full time caregiver since dad passed in early 2019. She was first diagnosed in 2018 after dad had been in the hospital over Christmas. Her medical facility wanted to do a full psychiatric study, I was not impressed. They never suggested doing CT scans or an MRI to determine how badly her brain was affected.  There was only one doctor doing all of the geriatric evaluations. Fortunately her primary care physician agreed to sign her up for hospice after she had dropped to 108 lbs but 6 mos later she gained the weight back. She had already reach the point where she could not maintain a full conversation. She was at home with a caregiver using the Walker I was still working full-time but unfortunately she had a few Falls. When Dad passed we had to move because the house was too expensive. Fortunately I had spent a yearly vacation with Mom over the past 15 years so I got to know her as an adult when she was still able to walk on her own get dressed and drive if necessary. But she was doing less and less after she stopped driving, she didn't have easy access to her friends, and she had less and less contact with the outside world. So I started to realize she was no longer the same but only living out physical existence. So I was able to realize that I could no longer discuss day-to-day things with her. I had to think of her as a child or someone who wasn't able to walk, dress, cook, read or watch television and understand what's going around her. I think this helped me to switch my approach. It was fairly easy to just knuckle down and care for her needs and stop wondering whether or not she was going to return to any normal life.

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Lovegeneration

Hello!  I could relate to your post for sure.  I think you are grieving the loss of your mom as you knew her. The mom who you could call and have a normal conversation.  The mom who was there for you.  And I also think you are grieving your own loss.... possibly your youth or empty-nester etc.  Or maybe your own fear of  getting old or sick?  Does this make sense?  Sending you a big hug!

mehabird

Hi, HerDaughterMissy, 

Believe it or not, I am also her daughter Missy, so I had to connect with you. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I struggle with the same thing and have found myself saying, "I miss my mom" a lot lately. She is at an assisted living facility memory unit and has been for 5 months. We never had a great relationship, but still, right now, there is a sometimes overwhelming feeling of, "I miss my mom." So I understand a version of what you are feeling, and it's terrible. 

I hope you can allow yourself to feel all the feelings, and take it easy if you celebrate a winter holiday--the stress we put ourselves through is bananas. In the words of Tara Isis Gerris:" Sis, breathe...there is no award for overstressed woman of the year." Process your feelings on your timeline!

Hugs!

Missy

​fesk

Just chiming in to say I'm struggling with the same issues - depression, grief, acceptance. So many times lately the tears just come. It's been overwhelming this past year.

abc123

Dear Daughter Missy, I understand how you are feeling. My mom's journey with Alz began over 8 years ago and I still find myself incredibly sad, especially recently. I think I have gotten over the anger, I hope so. The sadness follows me everywhere. I would give anything to have a conversation with my mother, I miss the sound of her voice. Sometimes I sit next to her bed and try to remember the last time I heard her speaking to me or to anyone. I'm sorry this is happening to you too. Judith said that grief has a life of it's own, I agree. Drina's comment, "It just will not let you forget what you have lost". That really hit home with me. The only two things dementia can not steal away from us are our memories and the love we have in our hearts.