Helping out mom's friend

OK2Overwhelmed

I'm my mom's caregiver (she has vascular dementia and is on waiting list to move into AL) and she has a friend who is in AL (the same one she will hopefully move to). His daughter lives about an hour away, and comes to visit about once a month. my mom's friend keeps asking my mom to pick up things for him – basic toiletries, etc. I don't mind (mostly) picking them up for him (my mom can't – I don't think he thinks it through, or he thinks I'll do it). I don't understand why his daughter either doesn't go up to his room when she visits and takes an inventory of what he might need (or I have a list of things my mom uses and I call her before I come over and ask her specifically what's on the list to see if she needs). It's bugging me that she controls his funds and doesn't get him what he needs. Earlier today, I emailed her and told her I'd pick the items up, but could she transfer the funds to my mom's account after I let her know the amount. Hopefully, she'll get back to me within the week. How else can I handle this? I don't want him to go without things like underwear or deodorant, but he's not my dad, and I'm taking care of my mom, her house, and working full time. His daughter does, too, so I get it. I'm also not sure what kind of a relationship they had in the past. But I see this as sort of neglect. He doesn't have any walking-around money, so even if I or another friend were to take him to the store, he can't pay for his things. Thanks for any suggestions.

JJ401

My first thought was to wonder if the man is actually without the items he is asking for. (The request for underwear made me wonder. It’s not what one usually runs out of during the month.) 

When my MIL was in memory care, one resident would always be asking for things. He’d say his money was taken away and while he really hated to beg, he really needed this. With that in my mind, I’d talk to the daughter first before I bought anything. Or if you don’t want to talk to the daughter, talk to whoever is in charge at the AL.  Be sure what you are hearing from him is actually happening before you buy. I’m concerned you might find that he needs a higher level of care.

King Boo

"It's bugging me that she controls his funds and doesn't get him what he needs."

 Why do you assume that?  I dropped the ball on a few basics for my LO simply because there was always so much to do and get; so many medical bills to pay; so much to coordinate plus my own life.

I would not choose to get involved here.  You have your own Mom to deal with.  

Most AL/MC have a 'store' on the 'campus' or personal care items can be provided by the facility and posted to the monthly bill.

It's also entirely possible the gentleman is starting to slip in memory.  My LO went through a phase where he insisted he needed more this and that - despite the pile of them in the corner of his room.  Fixations can be common. 

You can also deflect the inquiry to the social worker and let her deal with it.

BassetHoundAnn

What JJ401 said. Before I moved my mom to memory care she was constantly asking me to buy things for her like, well, underwear. I'd find she had 24 pairs of underwear stashed in cupboards and drawers. She would ask me to buy groceries for her like cereal and soda. I would, then a few days later I'd find she'd tossed it all in the trash while meanwhile asking me to buy her more cereal and soda. She'd ask me to buy her lipsticks, claiming someone stole all her lipsticks, and I'd find five tubes in her purse and more in the bathroom. Prior to my becoming head of procurement she was asking neighbors to buy her things. In fact not too long ago an old neighbor visited my mom. She took her to Walgreen's and bought her things my mom insisted she needed but she really didn't. 

So I would speak with his daughter and ask her whether her dad truly needs these items he is requesting you buy for him. She may be afraid of insulting your kindness by speaking up and saying 'hey, dad doesn't really need that stuff' as I was when my mom's neighbors bought her things. I would reimburse them, say thank you and hint that they didn't need to be shopping for my mom although I appreciated their helping her.  

The4thOne

I suggest letting her know that due to the challenges in taking care of your mother, he has asked your mom to pick up items for him, that in turn means you are doing it.  Let her know you have asked the AL facility to make sure he has what he needs and if he is in need to contact her directly.  This will let her know - politely - that you are no longer willing to do all of his running, as well as get her on board with dealing with his situation, because the AL facility will be contacting her and save you the discomfort of having to confront her directly.  She may not know he is making these requests.  If she comes to you directly if there is a real need and she can't take care of it, you can then discuss how she will send you the funds, before you pick up his items. Hopefully she will become more diligent in inventorying his items on her visits, and talking to him that if he needs something to let her know, because let's be honest, it's a little embarrassing if someone calls you to say your dad says he doesn't have any underwear or deodorant.   True or not, we really don't want others to hear or know that.

She needs to see, and feel the challenge of meeting his needs or the reality of dealing with the idiosyncrasies of how much energy this takes- especially from you and your mom. 

loveskitties

I would pass on the friend's request to the head of the AL so they can determine if the need is real, and then they can inform the daughter. 

I know you have a kind heart and want to help, however, the daughter needs a wake up call from the AL if the needs are real.

OK2Overwhelmed

Thanks for all your replies. About the underwear – he is asking my mom, so I don't think he was embarrassed. I did go up to his room, and what I could find was in the hamper, and I didn't know if he/his daughter was paying for laundry service (now they are – he can't do it himself). She did buy him a lot of underwear before he moved there, but a lot have gone missing (which is weird – but now he has 12 more pair). I also saw that he was out of the things he was asking for. I have to go and pick up stuff for my mom, so I just picked up the items for him. I think his daughter is only coming up once a month, and don't know if she's doing an inventory when she's there.

She's talked about moving him closer to her (an hour away) but will keep him there if/when my mom moves there. So I guess it will be on me still somewhat. I am just annoyed with his daughter – she still doesn't really get that he has dementia – she thinks he's playing games or is just forgetful.

He can't remember to tell the front desk, and the one time he did, they told me about it! I told them they need to contact his daughter. If it was urgent, I can pick up what he needs, but even if she can't get up there, she could order through Target and have them deliver.

Rescue mom

First, you should not need to be doing this, not at all—barring some kind of emergency, or helping a good friend. .

My first thought was the daughter is just hugely clueless about what he needs. My second thought was, does he really need them, as others said?  maybe he just wants to see your mom, or others, for company, and asking them to bring stuff gets people  there (??) or at least breaks up his day.

Is he capable of handling any walking-around money? Often residents  *don’t* have much at all, because they’ll lose it, give it away, flush it, etc., and they really don’t need much b/c somebody else provides what they need. Those who can handle it usually so have some for errands, tho, IME. But a couple little things can cost a lot now. Maybe get a delivery service on board?

I bet his daughter is mortified…I wonder if she even knew he was asking, or if he had asked her?  She may be embarrassed he did not ask her, much less that he actually ran out of necessities. 

Maybe, if you wanted,  you could offer to help her figure out what personal items her dad needs, how often. I know that was hard for me, when my mom first went in AL, and I lived nearby.

I’d also check with the AL staff; they might have some insight into some of the things he says he needs. He may just be bored and it’s his way of getting more company or something different. Or the staff may realize the daughter needs a refresher course on ops, to be brought into the loop better, so to speak.

Unrelated, but I used to often think that family members of facility residents need to get together more. Share ideas, what’s going on, just some shared insights….I know when my mom was in one, it helped a lot to know more families.