Paging Birdie...Please Update Us

feudman

I was saddened to read your now dated post. Hoping you will advise us on your current situation.

You didn't explain why mom is not allowing Hospice. Is she refusing to even talk with them? Their nurse and/or social worker might just be able to explain to her what is in store for you as a family, and how they can help (not just dad but all of you).

Is your caregiver trained in end stage care? Hospice can also advise you on your dad's current status and how best to care for him. If not actively dying, he likely is transitioning. They begin withdrawing from their surroundings, growing disinterested in contact, and later, mottled skin, Cheyne-Stokes breathing, glazed eyes, cold extremities, discolored toes, etc. are signs the body is shutting down. 

You mentioned his gurgling during feeding, and being terrified that he will choke (aspirate). My DW has been there for months now. Hospice can also advise you on the choices you must make at this point. FYI, during a recent respite stay at DW's hospice facility, they refused to feed her, so I went in daily to do so. I suppose their telling me how dangerous that is would be stopping just short of asking me not to. During active dying, they reach a point where they no longer need or can process food. But my personal feeling is that stopping before that point is starving them. I wouldn't advise that unless you have Hospice care on board to keep him comfortable and pain free. Aspiration induced pnemonia is a common cause of death, secondary to the underlying dementia, IMO, preferable to starving, but better to keep him home with Hospice care than sending him to the hospital. Would your mom do the latter?

Thinking of you and your familyand saying prayers for a peaceful outcome.