Sorry I have forgotten

French

You may think I am talking about my partner who has Alzheimer ? But no, I talk about his son !

Today I had to leave at 5am for a phD defense in the south of France. Everything was organized. My son was at home this night and had to leave after 8am, the first caregiver arrives at 8am and manages the morning routine and the lunch till the arrival of the second caregiver at 2pm, who stays till 5pm. Then my partner’s  son comes at 5pm till 7:30 pm when his brother comes to take him to the restaurant. 

Exceptional day : his family is helping… they now he will go to Tunisia and seem to wake up.

Yes but when I arrived to the airport for the return flight, I called his son to know if everything was ok. It was 6:15 pm. No answer but 10 minutes later a text message « sorry I was occupied, It slipped my mind, I have forgotten « 

Difficult to accept that I am on the other side of France, and I still have to think for everybody. He helps twice a year but is always late or forget.

I didn’t know what to answer… but « That's exactly what I couldn’t do for the last four years : forget ».

There was no consequence as my son could confirm when he came back from school at 6:30.

But I am upset. They can't imagine the mental load I'm going through, working and managing everything.  He just had little to do (he is working part time, 25%) and forget.

I came back home at 9:30pm. And now, it is almost 11pm and I am waiting that they come back from the restaurant. I got up at 4:50 am, had a tiring day. I can’t go to bed because I have to manage the evening routine (pyjama, brushing teeth and even entering in the bed has become complicated). Moreover, I am sure they will have drunk some wine and this means that I will certainly have to manage a bowel accident… my fault, with everything to think to, I have forgotten to alert the brother on this. But I think that even if I had, they would have drunk wine… 

I needed to vent, thank you for listening.

M1

how frustrating French.  I know the travel day cannot come soon enough.  Please let us know how it goes--I worry that somehow the omicron variant may derail your plans.  So terrible to think--to know--that you cannot count on anyone else to do what they say they will do.

Buggsroo

Hi French,

You must be fed up with your partner’s family. I am sorry all the work, organizing and planning falls to you. I hope your partner can go to Tunisia as planned. This is so unfair. When all is sorted, I hope you can have your life back, complete with time with your sons, proper rest, seeing your friends and lastly, exercise. 

Jeff86

So sorry you had that experience, French.  It’s most unfortunate in and of itself, but it also underlines this sad truth that spouse/partner caregivers learn, painfully:  that we are alone in meeting our responsibilities.  

This beautiful passage from Virginia Woolf comes to mind:

 I am alone; I am alone! she cried, by the fountain in Regent's Park (staring at the Indian and his cross), as perhaps at midnight, when all boundaries are lost, the country reverts to its ancient shape, as the Romans saw it, lying cloudy, when they landed, and the hills had no names and rivers wound they knew not where―such was her darkness.

(The character cares for her husband, who suffers not from AD but mental illness.)

Emily 123

I'm sorry French.  A phD defense would be stressful enough without the long travel day and caregiving at the end of it.  I wish they would be more thoughtful of you.

abc123

What a shame! I'm sorry that happened. I hope the rest of the week is much better for you.

Joe C.

French, I’m sorry to hear that you did not get the support you expected at this challenging time. I can not imagine how you manage being a caregiver, working and pursuing pursing a PhD at the same time. I gave up the part time the consulting work I was doing about 3 years ago because caregiving became so time consuming.

French

Thank you, yes we learn that it is sometimes better not to count on others, but yesterday, my neighbors were there to welcome my patiner as I was late coming back from the office.

The following days were better and today I took an afternoon  off to go in the city center for some Christmas errands… but also to the notary, pharmacy…

Joe: I defended my phD in 1999, now I am on the other side, I ask questions but I still have to read a lot of phD manuscripts.

I will be on holidays on Friday and in 11 days we will be in Tunisia.