Caregiver in Memory Care

tristessa

I recently had to place both of my parents in a higher level of care.  Dad is 78 and in personal care for mostly health related issues and mom is 70 in memory care (alz officially dx last month, stage 6).

I was counting on dad being able to go live with my mom in memory care as I thought he would qualify for mild dementia.  But mental status exams show he does not meet criteria for dementia and thus can't move to memory care.  He's also telling staff he doesn't want to go live with my mom which is infuriating and heartbreaking.

Anyways, while my mom is in stage 6 she's still very mobile and her health is mostly intact.  I'm an only child with young children myself and am already seeing how just managing both of their placements has impacted my immediate family.  Visiting more than once a week or so just isn't possible right now.  So I'm considering hiring a caretaker to visit my mom once or twice a week to get her more one on one contact at least for now.

Any thoughts?  Have you done this and found it helpful/unhelpful?

I'm overwhelmed.  And the grief of this officially hit this weekend.  What a lonely process this is and I'm only at the beginning

NizhoniGrrl

Try not to be too cross with your father. He has to protect his own health, too, just as you have to continue to be responsible for your family. With your mom in MC, she will be taken care of. It does stink when all the responsibility falls on one person, and even with people in care (independent, AL or MC) there is still a ton of work, administration and monitoring that must be done, in addition to the emotional toll. If your father will visit her every day and maybe eat one meal together, I'm sure that will be meaningful. He is also adapting and probably anticipating her loss and preparing himself mentally by not following her into MC as a caregiver.

NizhoniGrrl

I forgot to add that I did hire "companion care" for my mother in Independent Living because she was lonely. It was just a 30 min. visit, but it was every day and something she could look forward to after dinner. She loved to hear about their lives and I think it was a break from complaining since this person wasn't a family member or directly responsible for her care. It was a great distraction until we moved her in with us.

harshedbuzz

Tristessa-

Unfortunately, care decisions need to be driven by care needs and your dad would be poorly served in a MCF. It's likely it would be more costly; MC here is 1/2 to 1/3 more than "personal care" in the same community. 

I can totally understand his reluctance to move to MC with mom- he's likely already served as primary caregiver to a woman with EO for 5-10 years already as their friends enjoy retirement. He'd be bored by the activities and isolated. There's also the ethical issue of a secure facility for a person who doesn't have dementia. 

I would totally hire a companion/visitor for your mom to come in a few times a week. Many of the PWD in dad's MCF had their former HHA as a paid companion in MC. 

HB

King Boo

Once a week is fine.  It's enough to get the 'vibe'of the care, check in, speak with caregivers and moniter things.

I too, had young children, and once I had confidence in the facility, and forged some relationships with good caregivers, sometimes that window had to stretch to 10 days. 

There's only so much of you to go around.  And no one can replace you as Mom.

Hiring someone to visit is a fine idea if you think Mom would benefit.  I am actually wondering if Dad would benefit more than Mom.   Physically involved, mentally fine - just food for thought.

abc123

Welcome! So sorry you have the need to be here though. It's not easy. Has your dad been her full time caregiver up until the move to the facility? If so, he's probably worn out and may need time to rest and regroup. With your mom already being at stage 6, he's been through the wringer.

robinja

Hi, I am sorry about your situation. I wanted to throw out one idea. My mom is in MC, and I would estimate she is around Stage 5. One of the local hospice organizations visits this facility and provides additional services (foot care, additional activities, etc) for at least some of the residents. I am a little foggy on the details because my brother is the primary contact, and he is not the greatest at explaining such things. But it might be worth looking into. Mom seems less anxious and more like her old self since they started providing some care to her. Part of it may be just her settling into the routine, but I think the extra attention is good for her, too. I live 3 hours away and try to get by to see her every 2-3 weeks, and I’m not certain how often other family members visit.

tristessa

Thanks for this feedback everyone!

From all of your thoughts on my dad I’m realizing that it’s just another thing to “let go of the idea of.” There’s so many “let go of the idea of” (LO getting better, that they’ll be around for X, etc) in this process. And I’m having to let go of the idea of them being together until the end.

Ugh. What a nightmare this all is.

zauberflote

Hi tristessa, another vote here for hiring somebody to come in. My mom was on hospice for 8 months before her death at 92, so the hospice RN visits were so nice for her, and then the bath aide when that came to pass. There was a geriatric PT whose company she also enjoyed for his 6-week tenure.  I also found a local organization which hired out seniors who liked to provide company for other seniors, and got three brilliant companions that way. I could rest assured that Mom was more happy with them than she was with me (always the case...) and her funds covered the price of hiring these pros. Find someone who's doing it because they like old people and can make a PWD happier, and a weight will lift from your heart. 

You might look for companionship rather than caretaking. I had a few occasions when I had to avoid treading on the facility's toes in that regard.