Support needed

amylostinohio

I am at my absolute wits end. I am only 23 years old, and have been helping my mom take care of her mother for 4 months, since the end of August of this year. We drove up to Ohio to see how she was, we had not seen her since before Covid. When we came up here, to our dismay, we learned that my Uncle and his wife have been pretending to be taking care of my grandma, and all the while stealing tens of thousands of dollars. This was earth shattering because we thought she was well provided for. They hid the diagnosis from us, claiming that it was only mild memory loss, but then we found the medical diagnosis from her doctor as we took power of attorney away from them. We now have to move her into an independent/ assisted living facility to take care of her better than we can, and to protect her from their influences.

    I am shocked at the sudden lack of love and care ever since the access to money dried up, and deeply hurt that they don't even bother to try and contact her. The worst part is that she is slowly moving into the moderate stage of the disease, and is much more irritable than when we first got here. She loves my mom, and spends as time as she can with her when my mom is not working her 40 hour week. However, she cannot stand me. I just graduated and am waiting to hear back on my law school applications, so at present I do all the cooking, cleaning, packing stuff for the move, and most of the day to day chores. All of which, is ignored by grandma, and she complains constantly to my mother about small things that bother her (i.e. if my bed is not made just right, she will complain about it every few minutes and glare at me), she refuses to go anywhere with me, attacking and belittling me any time we are alone together. It used to hurt me greatly and make me cry that she would be so hate filled towards me, and not towards the ones who have ruined her financially and have emotionally manipulated her for years. I am trying so hard to not snap and freak out at her, it sometimes takes every ounce of my willpower to not say anything. I know this is a long post, but I feel so trapped and lost and angry, I hate this disease and I hate who my grandmother has become, not who she was.

SusanB-dil

Hi Amy - so sorry you and your mom are going through all this.  yeah, I hate 'this thing', too! as do probably all the folks here...

and yes, easy to say "don't let it get to you", but dealing with it and hearing hurtful words is so hard. Not nearly to the same extent, but sometimes i just seem to agitate my MIL.  When this happens, I try to stay more out of the way, best i can under the circumstances.

There is no telling why some evil people will take such advantage.  And as we have also found out the hard way, family is no exception!!!

DrinaJGB

Financial abuse of the elderly and disabled is a felony.

  You could possibly reminds the predatory looters of that fact, and stress the part about if they don't pay back her money by such and such date your family will file charges with the DA.

  Take it from someone who knows--family members are most often the ones covered in evil.

As far as the stress of your new founded situation regarding care of a dementia relative--it would help immensely to grow a thicker skin. She cannot help what she says and/or does.

  This is a new world now. I have learned this after 12 years. I am no longer the person I used to be and in fact--can barely recall my former self or life anymore.

Best of luck to you.

PickledCondiment

Hardened, realistic caregiver here. Factually you cannot change the behaviors exhibited by any of these people: grandma's brain is broken and will not get better, relatives are greedy, lie and look out for their own best interests.

That said, time for you to focus, move on, plan for the future. You mentioned waiting on law school applications, why not use your intellect, research skills, etc to seek solutions for this situation?  Does grandma have all her legal documents in order; POA, will, trust, et al?  Does she have any assets? What if any potential legal remedies are available to recover stolen funds from the relatives? Does grandma have an elder lawyer?  If not, you need one now. The research you do will help the lawyer more expediently deal with your issues.  (This research exercise will be useful in your legal career -- called discovery.)  

Annat

My 80 yr old MIL (moderate stage) started hating my daughter after she turned 12 years, because she feels she steals her underwear. My daughter is 14 now, and she hates her grandma who constantly body shames her, the way she sits or even eats. Basically she is criticized all the time. She does not have the issue with my 9 yr old son. Maybe because he is a boy and not a threat to her, in terms of stealing her clothes and stuff. And also probably because some old people in certain cultures have an affinity for sons rather than daughters. My MIL also hates me because again I am an outsider, and she thinks I am stealing her stuff, money etc., I cannot explain the mental stress that I go through when she is with us (she lives with us 6 months of the year). I noticed she doesnt complain the same about her own daughters. However, she did complain about her daughters daughter in law because again shes an outsider. Yes, this is a weird strange disease and it makes the caregivers go nuts. So you need to have a strong will to put up with this temporarily and understand that this is the disease that is making her act this way. And also as soon as possible try to find an exit from this situation, by finding board at your law college.

abc123

Dear Amy, It's absolutely terrible that you are in this situation. While it's true that your grandmother is not responsible for her words/actions, I think it sucks that young people/children/teenagers have to deal with this. That's just the way I feel, we are all different. You seem to be a wise and caring young woman. My best advice is for you and your mom to see a CELA as soon as possible. It is on the expensive side but worth every cent! A good CELA will help your mom put together a plan for long term care and help her deal with what's going on now with the relatives. A CELA will explain all the legal in's and out's, which is very important. It will protect your grandmother and mother. I'm very sorry this is happening to all of you! I wish you the best.

FTDCaregiver

Dear Amy - Thank you and your mom for stepping in, brave heroes are rare as diamonds.  Unfortunately, when heroes emerge, villains also can crawl out.  I had this experience when my wife's sister sold her property and kept the money. I had POA at the time, I've pursued legal action on her to get justice for my wife who can't defend herself anymore.  For me, as her caregiver and my soulmate, I'll bite back to protect my DW if any villain seeks to take advantage....grrrrrr.

I'm so sorry for the pain and hurt you feel.  Pray you're not damaged as you move forward in life.  I echo others as well in saying the anger you receive is not directed at you but coming from a loved one suffering from a horrible brain disease which robs them of their identify and inflicts pain and suffering on those most-closest to them.  Blame the disease not the mouth uttering the painful words.  This disease has changed me too....like to believe I'm a better person for it, weird to say...but feel I'm a better listener...more patient...empathetic..God bless you and your mom, we need more like you out there.

Love&Light

Hey Lost

I'm so sorry you're going through this, you've absolutely come to the right place for understanding and support. A lot of us have gone through the very painful experience of a family member taking advantage of our LO. I echo everyone else's comments in that if there is legal recourse, pursue it so that you have the peace of mind that you did all that you could. And whatever course you take,  if it doesn't pan out, then you need to let it go because you'll need your strength for your grandma and mom. (Karma has a way of coming back to folks in these situations)

I can share one piece of advice that proved so helpful when I was at my lowest point in this journey. My friend told me... this is terrible and what you're feeling is absolutely valid and may be all consuming, BUT you will not always feel this way.

Try and anchor on that through this hard time. You're on a path to move grandma into a place that can best support her. You have you law school ahead of you. This is hard, but you're doing the best you can. And it will get better.