Just don't know what to do(2)

Sad Niece

I have an aunt who passed away several months ago and I am the trustee of her estate.  Her sister lives in the adjacent apartment and has undiagnosed dementia of some sort.  She has had this for years now but I am having to deal with it regularly since I need to take care of my deceased aunt's estate, which ultimately benefits my surviving aunt and allows her to stay in her home as long as she wants (and can).  To that end, I have been visiting my deceased aunt's house and organizing and cleaning so I can get her possessions sold.  My surviving aunt has accused me from the start of closing her out and stealing.  I hired an estate attorney to help me navigate my duties, but I'm having challenges working with my surviving aunt.  She routinely accuses me of things, most recently leaving a back door open in the garage.  I included her in a visit we had to work on organizing things in the garage and spent about an hour and half going through things with her.  My son specifically remember closing the back door and her remarking about the lock and how well it works.  She and I even had a conversation about how there was a rock in the deadbolt hole and that was causing the door to not stay locked.  It was a nice interaction with her and I was so happy it went so well.  The next  day she called, angry, accusing me of not letting her know that I was there.  She called again today accusing me of leaving the door open and I tried to explain that we closed the door and tried to explain how we worked together in the garage.  She completely doesn't remember the entire time we spent together and is confused that things are no in the same place they were before (they are actually cleaner and more organized).  She gets angrier if anyone even alludes to the fact that she may not have remembered something.  I can't win - she gets mad if I include her (and she forgets) and mad if I don't include her.  This is a pretty complicated situation and I really don't know how to help her understand what's going on and how it is all to benefit her.  She only sees that she's not in charge and is angry about that and feels I am the bad guy in all of this.

I still need to manger her when I have people come to take things to the auction house and am not sure how to approach that with her.    Any ideas on how I can manage my interactions with her to minimize conflict would be appreciated.

M1

Welcome to the forum. I think a first order of business is to realize that you cannot reason with a broken brain, and you will be less frustrated if you quit trying to do so. You are the trustee for a reason, not her, and the less you involve her the better off you will be. Perhaps if other family members can distract her/take her offsite, that would work better. You have first hand experience that she won’t remember what happens. Another option might be to just bow out and name another trustee, if that’s possible, an objective professional with no emotional involvement. Just a thought. Good luck, none of this is easy.

Sad Niece

Thank you. I have been trying to not involve her at all and that may be the way to continue for now.  I don't have anyone who can take her out or run interference.  My dad (her brother) has no patience and her other brother lives in Michigan.  He and his wife have been trying to talk to her and such and it has worked (as much as things can truly "work").  It was just a rough day today with her and I am truly sad that I can't make things right for her (whatever that might be).  Unfortunately, there is no one else to take this on and I am the best person to handle it.  I just need to learn not to take anything negative she says personally.

Thank you!

Sball

Can her friends or a neighbor take her out for an outings?  Her involvement will only escalate her anger.  They tend to remember and hang-on to events that trigger the anger.

I experienced similar situation with my mom.  She got so mad I thought she was going to have a heart attack.  Due to her reaction, I was not able to going my father's belonging after his passing.  I was fortunate to have siblings whom she allows to go through his belongings. 

What is then plan on removing items from the house?  If she continues to see you going through things, she will most likely claim and possibly report that you have stolen the items. 

As a last resort, consider taking pictures/ videos and have a mover remove the items to a temporary storage area where you can go through the items.  If she has not seen you at the house for awhile, she may believe "burglary".

Sad Niece

Thank you.  Unfortunately, she really doesn't have any friends and is alienating the one friend I know has reached out to her.  I may be able to see if her roommate will take her out to lunch or something when the movers come.

I have an attorney that represents the trust and all the documentation showing that I have the right to do what I'm doing with the stuff.   She has been given copies of the trust and this has been explained to her numerous times, but still refuses to believe it.  I am in the process of having an auction house remove items and take them to their storage to inventory and get them ready to sell.  Unfortunately, that will still be a multi-stage process and will take several months to do.  We are then faced with dealing with the garage and its contents.  A bit more problematic in that she has some of her own stuff in there so I need to include her in that process so she can't claim I stole or threw something of hers out.   I've done that, only to have her forget and accuse me of doing exactly the opposite - can't win.

I wish there were something I could do for her, but I'm overwhelmed with the task at hand (on top of a full-time job I have) and she thinks she just is getting old and forgetting little things here and there (it's way more than that).  I have my out-of-state uncle on notice that he will need to come here to take care of anything with my aunt if (and when) it comes to that point.  For now, she has a roommate who is fine with living with her, gets along with her, and keeps an eye out for her.  I just need to keep my distance and put others between me and her as a buffer.

Marching on...and learning every step of the way!

Daughter80

Do you know who has POA for her? Who would help care for her if needed? Maybe discussing these things and getting her in the best place for her would help?

Iris L.

Sad Niece wrote:

  I just need to learn not to take anything negative she says personally.

Yes, you do.  She will say many outlandish things.  

Is anyone handling her medical care? There are medical mimics of dementia that might be treatable if caught in time. Also, plans need to be made for her future.  How long can she live alone? Already it doesn't sound safe.  Please read about anosognosia.  PWDs (persons with dementia) don't know they have dementia.  If you confront them with reality they will resist and become upset.  So don't do this.

When you move things around, even if they are more organized, she cannot remember where anything is, so she becomes more upset.  This is part of the disease.  You will have to learn how to communicate with a PWD.  Learn from the members here.

Iris L.

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LLSK

I need guidance on how to handle two different kinds of behavior that I see with my sister who is in a nursing home and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.

First situation:  Ugly, nasty anger. This week I experienced the worst day of visiting her.  Be aware that her husband shared the room up until mid-November when he passed away.  This week she started her diatribe as soon as I walked into the room.  My kids never come to see me.  My response: "They are here quite frequently through the week."  "BullS*it," she says.  She said they took all her stuff and are all living in her house.  She had 7 children and they and their families are certainly not living in the small rancher she and her husband lived in.

She made nasty faces, such an angry voice when she wished something so horrible on all her kids, I couldn't stop crying.  I left the room and called a nurse.  We both returned to the room.  My sister saw me pulling my mask down and wiping my eyes and heard the nurse's concern and her whole demeanor changed.  Concern, sympathy and compassion ... I sat beside her on the bed and she put her arm around me and that made me cry even more.  

It takes a lot for me to cry and it surprised me.  I cried all the way home.  So not like me.  

The next day I "got back on the horse that threw me and took coffee and a doughnut to have mid-morning "breakfast" with her.  Then we sat and put together a cute jigsaw puzzle together.  She was pretty good at matching up the pieces!  At the end of the visit she became very weepy and asked if she had to stay there all by herself.  She wanted me to either stay with her or take her home with me.  She covered her face with both hands and just cried for all she was worth.  Same bedside, only my arm around her trying to console her.  In a nut shell, I think she's beside herself being so lonely.  She doesn't remember visits from ANYONE, doesn't recall a phone conversation.  There is nothing I can do to console her.  

Two totally different situations within days of each other with totally different moods.  I'd like to hear from folks who have experienced something similar and how they handled it, and thank you so much for any input.