How do you deal with the delusions?

linuxhitman

My wife was retired by her employer in 2005 at the age of 63.  She is now 80 and insists she was hired back and wants me to take her to "work" every morning.  I called the HR department and they have no record of her currently working there.  I didn't expect they would -- if they didn't want her at 63 they sure as heck don't want her at 80 -- but I had to be as sure as I could be.

She even has this fantasy that she went there and worked for about six hours one day. I, supposedly, came and took her home: Sometimes forcibly; sometimes not. Neither event happened. She is unclear what day it was or how she got there. Her license expired in 2018 and I have her car keys for safe keeping.

I know there is no logic in her story but this GD disease has robbed her of the ability to reason. It is trying to rob me of my sanity.

The hallucinations are bad enough but the worst that caused was her crank-calling 911. This is worse.

--
If you are listening Santa, I want my wife to get her mind back for Christmas.

Just Ro

My husband is 78 and retired many years ago, also.  He is in Memory Care now, but he is constantly under the delusion that he still has a job and he needs to get there no matter what.  That delusion caused him to awaken in the middle of the night, every night, grab a makeshift tool kit, and head out the door. He would always try to get into my locked car, but also left our property on foot to be found by the police about a mile away on a very busy main street by the railroad tracks. Even now in Memory Care, he still believes he has a job and gets up in the middle of the night trying to escape there.  When he would become agitated, I would tell him his shift was cancelled and he had to go back to bed.  They tell him the same thing at Memory Care.  They say the boss called and his shift has been cancelled. It usually works for the time being, but the next night, it’s the same thing.  Good luck to you.  I know how maddening this is.

Arrowhead

She probably won’t accept anything you say unless it plays into her delusions. Try telling her that she retired the day before; she doesn’t work today because it Saturday or Sunday; she’s taking vacation time or sick time. You’ve got to play along with her, or you’ll never get anywhere with her. My wife believes that her parents are still alive. Once I took her to her father’s grave. She read the tombstone and admitted that her father was buried there. She then insisted that he is still alive. You can’t win.

Paris20

I am so grateful for the advice I’ve received on these forums. One of the best is to go along with the delusion as well as you can. If you need to take your wife for a car ride and tell her you just picked her up at work, that should get you through the moment. Every day, my husband asks me when we’re going home. Occasionally he asks me if we’re going to work (retired for a decade). If we see an ominous weather report, he asks if the storm (which could be 2,000 miles away) will affect our flight. Fiblets are the answer here. I use simple statements with the goal of eliminating the negative feelings my husband is expressing. For example, I’ll say we’re going home tomorrow. I’ll tell him not to worry about our flight because the storm will be gone when we leave.

The key is forget about reasoning. That ability of our loved one is gone. Nothing will bring it back. Go into their world of the present, alleviate the anxiety with a fiblet, and then move on. They do not remember what we’ve said so the lie-story can change or be modified to fit variations on the dementia theme of the day. There are times when I desperately miss the intelligent conversations my husband and I shared. I told my best friend that my husband now sounds like a complete dufus. I felt guilty for having said that but my friend understood. In fact, understanding is probably the most important factor in dealing with the horrors we face.

Stuck in the middle

Procrastination helps me.  When DW wants me to do something unreasonable I put it on my to do list and let it age there.  Is it possible that her workplace is closed due to Covid or for Christmas or for storm cleanup and she can go back next week?  As any procrastinator knows, next week never comes.

MN Chickadee

When my mom was at this phase Adult Daycare became so valuable. It helped fill her days and give her some routine and purpose. It seemed to scratch that work itch, so to speak. We coaxed her into starting the program by saying she was "volunteering" there and after some time she came to think she worked there and developed a narrative about her job there. Many of the other clients thought they worked there. If that is an option near you it may help. As others have said, all you can do is go along with it and use therapeutic fibs and distraction. Work is closed for the holidays or cleaning or covid, maybe you can go back in a few weeks. Distract to something else like a treat or activity. Repeat constantly.

PaigeA

Wow this whole time I didn’t even think my mom asking or starting she had been at work was a delusion. I thought she was creating a story to justify a situation she was in. This disease is terrible. The last 2 days I have seen a change in her condition. The stories are becoming more outlandish and quite surreal. I didn’t realize all the aspects of dementia and have been learning as I go. I joined this group as I have had a very overwhelming week with her and am feeling very alone as No one else gets it. Reading your post helped thank you. Everyone keeps telling me to deflect or just agree with her story but after a while it gets very difficult

Robin Hess

I joined this message board this week looking for support from those who are experiencing the challenges of taking care of a loved one. My mother has been living in a memory care facility for three years now. I am the only one who goes to visit her. My father has passed away and my brother lives far away and has not come to see her since my dad passed away three years ago. The pandemic took a toll on my mom with the lockdowns and the window visits. She is so confused now and creates wild stories. I have learned to go along with her scenarios and always try to redirect her, but her stories about people gossiping about her riding around  naked on top of a horse and her other stories about the police coming to get her and take her away are becoming her conversational topics during our visits. She quite often goes into detail about a woman who climbs into her bed and”poops”!  Her fixations on “bathroom” and sexually related topics are  so upsetting to me. I can handle her questions about where my babies are and her desire to move to a new house, but not the disgusting filth. I have been googling for information on why her brain is doing this to her, but I find no answers. I am a widow myself and my poor friends, while very supportive, are getting tired of hearing about my frustrations. I’m sure there are others who are experiencing these behaviors in their loved ones. How do I clear my head?

Cobalt

Teepa Snow has a very good video on YouTube that explains why fixations and swearing comes up often in dementia.  Has to do with "bad words" that everyone learns socially to avoid and filter out when in public.  When those social filters break down in dementia, people actually remember the "bad words" far longer than others!  When you witness the amazing vocabulary of formerly polite folks become very explicit in vulgar words, it is quite a surprise.  My grandmother became quite the salty sailor and no one could even figure out how she ever learned those words.

My son who has early onset Alzheimer's curses and is quite nasty at times.  Where did the sweet guy go?  You get used to it and try not to react or draw attention to this if at all possible. It mostly comes out when he is sundowning very early in the afternoon and his brain is wiped out for the day. There are definitely odd delusions and yes, fixations on bodily functions.  Sex words and thoughts break through too.  I've learned how to ignore it and just go on, hopefully changing the activity or distracting.