Stressful couple of weeks

White Crane

The last time I wrote it was about what a great day we had on Thanksgiving.  Unfortunately, that was the last great day we've had.  We have four children.  The two older sons are mine and the youngest son and daughter are ours.  DH has never gotten along with my oldest son.  He seems to have always seen him as a rival even though he raised him from a small child.  This son wasn't here for Thanksgiving but came for a ten day visit the week after.  He just left yesterday.  First, DH didn't recognize my son and resented him being here.  DS and I both tried to help DH understand who he was but it didn't register until maybe the night before DS left.  During my son's visit, DH regularly turned the lights out on him while he was sitting and reading or working on his computer.  Refused to talk to him.  Glared at him.  Ignored him at the dinner table.  And complained about him being here.  Our daughter was also here for part of that time.  She is DH's favorite and it shows.  All this was so very stressful...for all of us!  DS was hurt, of course, but tried very hard to be nice and made a point to call DH Dad whenever he tried to talk to him.  He even took DH out for ice cream...DH did enjoy that part.  It only lasted a few minutes though and he was back to being mean.  I spent most of my time trying to keep DH calm...at one point I thought he was going to hit my son because he wouldn't turn off a lamp that he was going to use to read by.  The rest of my time was spent talking to DS about our situation and about what may need to be done in the future.  He wants to help and set up a document of Google docs for me to explore the memory care facilities in our area.  It looks like if DH needs memory care in the future, it will have to be in an out of town facility.  DS also did several odd jobs for me while he was here.  He fixed a traverse rod for me and also put a new hose on the dryer and fixed a light.  I appreciated all of that.

Now that my son has gone home, DH has calmed down but his memory has gotten so much worse over the last couple of months that it is getting harder for him...and for me.  I think the appendectomy in late September, having Covid in October, and having lots of company for Thanksgiving and after has really affected him.  And I am not coping well with it.  He has also started following me from room to room at times.  He comes into the kitchen when I am trying to fix dinner and stands right next to me.  If I turn around, I run into him.  It makes me very nervous!  There is a part of me that just wants to run away!  I am tired and need a break but no break is in sight.  I try to focus on just this one day.  It I think about the future, it is too bleak and I don't want that future. 

M1

So sorry White Crane, that it a lot to have happen in a short time frame.  I have been sick since Thanksgiving (not Covid), and my son and his girlfriend are here from Seattle next week, though staying with my daughter not us.  Nonetheless, I'm not sure which is worse, the company or the winter boredom.   My partner is pretty much staying in bed all day to watch TV.  The shadowing is getting bad here too though, she follows me around and wants so much to help, but can't.

Hang in there.  Glad your son was support to you, but I know these things are always fraught.  

Beachfan

I’m sorry, White Crane.  My DH was never mean or intolerant to me, our 3 kids, their spouses and our 9 grands, but just his indifference towards them was hurtful, even though they tried to understand and accept the reason.   He is in a MCF 5 weeks today and although  I miss him, the atmosphere here and at the kids’ homes is vastly different. There is a heightened level of happiness and “back to normal” that’s been missing for the past several years.   DH is 38 miles away, does not know us or miss us; we visit at least once a week and he remains indifferent towards our presence.  I am satisfied that I made the right decision for all of us, but I wish our golden years had turned out differently.

Ed1937

Brenda, you have had more than your share of problems lately. I'm sorry. Is there any way for you to get a break for a week or two? It sounds like you're past due for respite.

David J

I’m sorry it has been so stressful for you. We don’t have children. So I can only imagine what he pain of witnessing your husband’s abuse of your son. It is abuse, even though it’s not his fault. Your son is obviously understanding, but I can imagine how hurt he was. 

I remember well stepping on my wife every time I turned around. I called her Visa, because she was “everywhere you want to be.” (Old Visa ad)  If it wasn’t my wife, it was the dog, and I admit to blaspheming one or the other while trying to cook or clean. They both followed me around the house constantly. 

As she moved further down the dementia road, other difficult behaviors developed, like telling the aide that she hated her and even trying to hurt her. Incontinence, psychosis, exit seeking, and an inability to communicate made daily living very stressful. When I needed a minor surgical procedure, I placed her for a respite stay. For a lot of reasons, the respite did not relieve me of all daily care duties, but my stress level went way down. My wife was getting better care at the MCF than I had been giving her all by myself, and I decided to make the arrangement permanent. I had been worried that it was too early, and that no one could know her needs like I did. I worried that she would be miserable and would be anxious to go home, and I was worried about the expense. After three months and med adjustments, all my worries, except the cost, proved unfounded. 

You need respite, and maybe your husband does too. If you can swing it, you might try a trial stay at that MCF 38 miles away. 

All of this is my opinion based on my experience. Your experience may be different. Stay strong, you have been a loving caregiver and strong partner so far. Keep up with he good work. 

Dave

GA-Mom

I understand your situation, having been there with my DH. I went to put him in MC for respite, and it also turned out to be permanent. The first night he was away, there was a wonderful peace in the house. My stress level went way down. He actually passed away about 2 months after being in the MC. Afib made his heart go awry, and then he couldn't swallow, and the final cause of death was aspiration pneumonia. That was in late September. Funeral was in October. I've still been busy with the resulting paperwork and then all the holidays. But with the wonderful support of friends and family and a local support group, I am much happier than I was when DH was home with me. I just try to remember all the wonderful holidays we had before this insidious disease claimed him.

As someone else on this forum has probably said, it's almost never too early to get respite care for yourself, either temporarily or permanently. And don't feel guilty about it. 

LadyTexan

(((White Crane)))

Marie58

I'm sorry it's so hard...for all of us. It sounds as if you and your son handled it the best you could. He sounds like a great 'kid'. I hope today is going better and I hope you can get a rest soon. I'm also glad you're looking into MC. The time is probably near.