Keeping Family Engaged - Advice Needed

FTDCaregiver

Hi all - first time post for me, just joined.  My DW has FTD, we both are in our fifties, no children. She's in the moderate stage and I recently retired to stay home and care for her 24/7.  She's Greek, both her parents have passed and she has two nieces and a nephew that live near us.  Unfortunately, her sister (in Greece) took advantage of my wife's condition, sold her property and kept the money though I had POA at the time she did it.  Anyway, I'm going after her legally to recover the funds and charge in her criminal court with fraud, sickened that there are people that see an opportunity to steal from their own family in situations like ours.  Of concern here, and what I need some advice on is that her sister is mother to the two nieces that live near us and they have chosen to cut off any contact with her because of the action I took.  My wife used to love seeing her nieces.  Last fall, they let me know they weren't coming anymore, though they didn't mention the reason, I knew it was because of me charging their mother in Greek Court.  I let them both know that our door is always open for them to come visit her without any judgement and that their aunt would love to see them.  I love them too.  As of today, no response.  I really want to keep my DW connected to what remains of her family.  I get depressed seeing her without these visits, but fortunately she seems not to miss them or ask for them anymore.  I feel guilty, did I do right, what else can I do to bring them over to see her?  Anyone else dealing with similar situations like ours?

loveskitties

You cannot control the actions of others.

Your actions appear to be an effort to safeguard your wife and that is all that matters.

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who see no harm in defrauding a family member when they cannot take care of themselves.

Those funds you are attempting to recover may be critical to your wife's future care.

CaringMate

Please don't feel guilty regarding the situation you faced with your wife's family.   I too was a 24/7 caregiver for my husband and when he was diagnosed with FTD they pulled a similar stunt.  They were 1500 miles away and took advantage of his share of property that was located where they were.  People can be so cruel and unfair and they chose to "disown" him when they found out about his diagnosis.  They never called or came to see him even when he asked.  FTD is a totally different "animal" than Alzheimer's dementia and in time your wife will not even remember that she had family.  Out of sight, out of mind when it comes to FTD.  You did what you needed to do and guilt for trying to protect yourselves has no place in this situation.

DrinaJGB

In 2010 my DH was comatose on life support after a rare but deadly viral infection of his brain. He spent weeks in a coma and months in facilities.We had been married 29 years at the time.

  During the frightening time that he was literally fighting for his life, 2 of his sisters engaged in a scheme to hijack his inheritance portion of the family trust. I found out about it through the other sisters while dealing with a very sick husband after discharge and caring for him by myself which at times was maddening and confusing and exhausting.

After learning of their predatory antics,  I subsequently informed them that they could either change back what they did and we could all walk away with what his parents wanted originally, or I could hire a lawyer and fight them for what may be many years-- keeping all the siblings from their rightful and fair inheritances.Their choice.

  They thought I was bluffing. I wasn't. I hired the best lawyer I could find. They have been through 4 to date---the last being the most corrupt and ruthless---just like their clients.

  We are still in litigation. It will be 10 years this February. A complete and total nightmare resulting from 2 greedy people adding insult to injury of their brother. Talk about kicking a man while he is down.

 We have had no contact with any of them and don't plan to.Ever.

Good luck. It's a long and arduous journey indeed. You will need every ounce of courage and determination you can muster and then some, and be ready to be in this for the long haul.

mommyandme (m&m)

In reading your post I thought of some things…

You shouldn’t feel bad about doing things to protect your wife, ever. 

Maybe your nieces would visit your wife on neutral ground, without your presence. Not sure what that looks like or if that’s even safe.  Often times, you know, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” 

Your nieces have loyalty to their own mother, I suppose.  Maybe they cannot visit their aunt because she’s part of you and the legal action.  If your sister-in-law can be so heartless in the first place… I imagine there are many unkind words spewed towards you and yours.

In time, your wife will not remember this or her nieces.  I know the socialization is important and fun, maybe you can replace it with some other type of stimulation or socialization.

I’m so sorry for this loss and all the others you’ve had and will have.  

ButterflyWings

FTD - welcome to a wonderful, caring, wise group -- though I am sorry you need to be here with us.

I think you are doing a great job of looking out for your DW's interests and your own important duty to protect assets that will be needed for her care, including your own security should you outlive her after providing free dementia caregiving which is valuable (but brutal on the caregiver...all 24/7 CG's, but especially spouses I believe).

The stories here are just the tip of the iceberg, and it seems like you already have the answers. Your LO does not miss or ask for the nieces. They have already taken sides. If they did visit begrudgingly, I agree with m&m's "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" caution. Would be terrible if they visited and helped agitate your DW against you, or worse, got her to sign something without your knowledge that might complicate the court action.

I am reminded of the times I have learned (and periodically relearning as we speak): that its best to believe someone the first time they tell you who they are. (The punch line of the popular joke is, "you knew I was a snake when you picked me up!").  

Maybe it is best to just let sleeping dogs lie right now. I definitely would. If they have a change of heart, and reach out voluntarily, you can always weigh your feelings and the pros/cons at that time. 

harshedbuzz

FTD caregiver-

I am so sorry your DW has been swindled and abandoned by her own kin. But if that's who they are, you and she are well and truly better off with them in the rearview mirror.

Taking appropriate legal action against her sister was the nuclear option in this situation (fwiw, I would have done the same) and there is no coming back from it. It's likely the sister told her daughters some explanation of why she acted as she did that puts her in a positive light- perhaps protecting a family property against you inheriting it on your wife's death. Or maybe the girls are just following the money and no longer need to suck up to their childless auntie for an inheritance and have lost interest.

If there is anything positive about dementia, it is that she'll forget them and that you can offer a substitute. If she enjoys the company of other women, you could hire a caregiver whose primary responsibility is to socialize with your DW as companion. We went through a roster of caregivers for dad until we landed on a pretty, warm, soft spoken young woman who kind of resembled a younger version of my mom. As much as dad bristled over having someone in the house, he enjoyed her visits. LOL, he typically showtimed through them, so there wasn't much in the way of hands-on care although he would eat lunch with her. 

HB