Help! I am so depressed

Lcpsurry

Wondered why i feel so tired, lack of ambition. I just sit and look at my ipad. Then i realized I am depressed!

My husband has alzheimers and is becoming incontinate. Paranoid and hallucinates. December is a bad month because it would be my oldest daughter’s 50th birthday, but she died of cancer 25 yrs ago. Me middle daughter is severely autistic, mentally disabled, hyperactive and moody. She will be coming to spend christmas eve and christmas day with us. She is nervous and scared around her Dad. Worries about him and very aware of the changes in him. Scared he will die.

My youngest daughter lives 1000 miles away. She keeps in touch and visits every 3 months. She still has 2 children at home so her hands are full.

Since Covid started 2 yrs ago my husband has gotten much worse. We are stuck at home most of the time, but he is too paranoid and scared to go out. Thinks everyone is talking about us. It doesn’t help that we just got rid of his car. He hadn’t driven in a year but he still loved his car. I decided i would keep mine because it is newer and has lots of safety features i like. So it really hurt to see his go. Kind of like the end of an era.

We have someone come in once a week for 3 hrs so i can get out. We tried it twice a week, but it was too much time for me to be gone with nothing to do. Couldn’t visit friends because everyone is afraid of covid, including me.

But i am so depressed! Just needed to express myself!

sandwichone123

Lcpsurry, you have a lot on your plate. You might ask your doc about an antidepressant, but whether or not you do that you might want to find a counselor. Many are available via Zoom or similar so you don't have to leave the house, although there is certainly a degree of relief visiting with someone live, six feet apart, in a well-ventilated office. You might also find help from a support group. In my area they are meeting weekly, three weeks on Zoom and one in-person so everyone has some options they are comfortable with.

M1

Hi. All here understand, glad you reached out. Caregiving is exhausting and wearing under any circumstances, and between the holidays and covid, these are extraordinary times. And most of us have mixed feelings about the holidays I think, missing our lost loved ones as much as we anticipate the good times. Helps to be honest about it, I think.

Keep posting. I couldn't do this alone, and this virtual group is a huge help. Sending good thoughts your way. We will survive this...

Lcpsurry

I think i will call my doctor and ask about an antidepressant. If i were to do the zoom counselor, my husband would probably be right there too. He follows me around and even when he naps he will come out if he hears me talking. Thanks for advice.

Iris L.

I went through a deep depression.  A huge help in getting me through was posting and interacting with my cyber-friends here.  I posted daily and chatted.  You might think about joining us on the front porch aka Friends thread.  Feel better soon!

Iris

Crushed

Depression is a serious neurological disease that must be treated. If you are diagnosed with depression get treated.  My best friend in Germany is severely depressed
For myself I was as discouraged as you are but two psychiatrists agreed I was not depressed

My Therapist and PCP also did not think I was depressed in a medical sense 

you cannot self diagnose depression  

 Alzheimer's care taking puts enormous stress on the body, with physical responses that may be mistaken for depression   All physical symptoms i had   disappeared when DW went into memory care 4 years ago.  They were all due to stress not neurological depression.
 

Get carefully checked by an expert in depression  https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression

 

https://www.caregiver.org/resource/caregiver-depression-silent-health-crisis/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/caregiver-stress/art-20044784

markus8174

Your DH is at the horrible stage of his illness. For me, this was when I really felt the person who was my spouse slipping away.  It was when my DW began showing those behaviors, that I started seriously looking for a facility.  I wish I had good news about how to recover from the impact on you as a caregiver. IMHO I don't think what most caregivers are experiencing at this stage is truley depression. For me it was grief over the loss, bit by bit, of my beloved. I was  astonished how much worse it got after I had to place her. Without the need to care for her every day I couldn't find any reason to go on living. I have never had a sucessful interaction with a counsoler, but I did see my PCP to start an antidepressant. It took a few months to find one that I could take, but I'm no longer suicidal most of the time. My only advice is talk to your doctor NOW to start on something to help before you travel too far down that dark road. It can take a while to find the right medication, and it's a long way back if you wait too long like I did. 

PS: There are also medications that could be helpful for your DH. Some of those meds can also improve his mental clarity. Not dementia meds, but antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. If he isn't taking something already, you could talk to your doctor about something for him when you explore options for your own needs.

Ed1937

I'm sorry you are dealing with this now. My wife and I lost a son to suicide in Dec. 1998. My wife went into a deep depression, and was on anti depressants, and had therapy for quite a long time. She finally got out of it, but I'm not sure she ever would have without professional help. Whether or not you have depression, you need help. Please find something to help.

tcrosse

I am deeply saddened by my DW, the love of my life, dying by inches before my eyes, with nothing to be done about it. That's not quite the same as clinical depression. In any case, I take an anti-depressant, but that doesn't make the situation any easier or the grief any less. But they say that if you're going through Hell, keep going. That's what I'm determined to do.

Paris20

Lcpsurry, I am truly sorry for what you’re going through. I definitely understand. For the first time in my 74 years, I gave in to my doctor’s recommendation, after I told her how I was feeling, and started an antidepressant. It has made all the difference to deal with my husband’s Alzheimer’s disease. I have no side effects but I have more control over myself while handling the awful symptoms that my husband exhibits each day. His outbursts, repetitions, general cluelessness, etc. were driving me crazy. I even upped my wine dosage and got myself sick. I don’t drink wine anymore because it's a depressant, the opposite of what I needed. I was anxious, not depressed, but my doctor thought Zoloft could help. It did.

Lcpsurry

Thanks everyone for your help. Talked with a counselor today and already feel better. Will go to my doctor in a few days. It may be stress more than depression. I just feel so overwhelmed!

I am going to start spending time doing a few things i really enjoy and find relaxing. 

Buggsroo

I can imagine your feelings of sadness and grief. I sometimes think I have fallen down a nasty rabbit hole but this is very real. There are days when I hit the wall, I just hide down the basement, listen to music and lick my wounds so to speak. I take an anti depressant and it does help. 

There are days when I think I can’t do this anymore, then I recover and am ok. I know I need to get outside, walk or engage in retail therapy. However, dealing with my husband on a full time basis, Covid and working part time, I wonder why I haven’t gone crazy myself. It’s been a tough few years and I think we are all getting through it the best we can.

Lcpsurry

Am I a horrible person or is it ok to just want this over?

I love my husband. He is my best friend and partner through life. We have been married for 55 yrs. But I am hurting and see him hurting. He cannot communicate most of the time. Can’t read or focus most of the time. 

I need to keep going and outlive both him and my special needs daughter. They both need me.

I know from watching my daughter get sick, suffer and die, that there is something worse than death. And that is to suffer with no hope of getting better. 

I have a strong faith in God and look to him for hope.

M1

No, you're not a terrible person, I also have sometimes wished for death to be her release. Many of us have. It is so painful to watch your loved one deteriorate and to know that it is only going to get worse. There are many things worse than death.

I'm glad you've got someone to talk to, you are taking the right steps.

Jeff86

It’s OK to just want this over.

I imagine for most of us—at least, those of us who are well along on this journey—if we’re honest with ourselves, we have had the same thought.

My DW, late stage six, sometimes has moments where she appears to be genuinely happy.  There are many more moments where she just….is.  But it’s the peering into the future that brings such thoughts of an end to mind.  I do not want her to suffer the ravages of stage seven.

But it’s not pure selflessness alone that generates such thoughts.  It is agonizing for me to watch my brilliant beautiful wife disappear, millimeter by millimeter, day after day.

It’s OK to just want this over.

Marie58

Lcpsurry, you are NOT a horrible person! You are grieving what you're losing. God's got you! I've prayed many things during this journey...for a miracle to cure my DH, for strength and peace, for patience, for God to take DH before stage 7. Alas, here we are in late stage 7. But God HAS given me peace, strength, comfort and hope to get through the last 5 1/2 years. Like you said, there's no hope in getting better with this disease. At least other diseases often offer some hope. But my hope is in God and spending eternity with Him! It doesn't make any of this go away, but God's got me and He's got you!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Stuck in the middle

If our LOs were dogs, we would do the kind thing and feel guilty if we let them suffer.  We don't usually do that for people, but it isn't wrong to wish it was over.  It is kind.

DorisEmma

Right now I have someone coming twice a week for 4 hours each.  I use part of that time to zoom with my counselor.  The caregiver keeps my LO occupied, out for walks, lunch, whatever works so I have my time with my counselor.