I need to place DH

Yorklady53

My husband had been showing mild symptoms of dementia for years. In 2019 it started to be noticeable to friends and by last year I knew that it was more than mild dementia. I finally was able to make an appointment for him with a gerontologist. In February he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and aphasia dementia.

I had a lot on my plate after his diagnosis. We had a large 4 bedroom 3 bath house on acreage with several large garages and numerous outbuildings. My hope was to stay there but we had a hard winter and I just couldn’t handle the snow and ice removal with a large property so started planning to move us into a property that we owned that was smaller and close to our daughter.

During this time his dementia progressed rapidly. I then had the difficult task of renovating a home, selling many of our household goods, his car collection, and we are moved into our forever home. I truly thought that living in a one level easy to manage home close to my daughter and amenities would make the caregiving more bearable but I was so wrong.

I’ve finally admitted to myself that I am failing at this. I don’t experience a single moment of joy in a day and I’m not living, I’m surviving. I know it’s time to place him so I can have some peace in my life.

We have excellent long term health insurance and several months ago I called to get the ball rolling. She verified our benefits and told me to start looking at facilities but assured me that they would also pay for in home care also.

I know that DH would prefer in home care. My problem is that he follows me around all day and at night, though he doesn’t try to leave our home, he gets up many times during the night. Like others here this means I’m doing all the caregiving while being sleep deprived. I’m at the point where I can barely function.

I know that the right thing for me is to place him. Even though I know he wants to be at home, because of the type of person he is, he would be better off in a facility with long halls to wander, people to observe, three good meals a day plus snacks, and the companionship that I can’t give him because my days are filled with chores. I just want to be his wife again and not the sad and angry lady who unsuccessfully meets his needs.

Once I start visiting facilities what exactly do I look for? I would like for him to be close distance wise but the quality of the facility has to take precedence. I’m just feeling lost as to know what to look for in a good facility. 

More than anything I know I just needed to vent and if you got to the end of this long whine session thank you for taking your time to read it.

Ed1937

Yorklady, I'm sorry it's so hard. Here is a thread that should interest you. There is a ton of good information in it. https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147552810  

Yorklady53

Ed, thank you so much. It makes me feel less alone knowing someone cares enough to answer. I appreciate your time.

jfkoc

Not reviewing the link I would suggest doing research before looking at facilities. Over the phone you can get

Training program used both initially and ongoing..get the name...do not settle for "we have our own training"

Staff/patient ratio

Have them send a copy of their state license and placement contract.

Take a look on line at a facility like Abe's Place and https://www.thehearthstoneinstitute.org/

This will give you an idea of the care you are looking for.

Yorklady53

Ed,

Thank you so much for that link. I have a small notebook page filled with questions to ask to help determine suitability of the facility. It’s exactly the type of info I was looking for.

Yorklady53

Thank you jfkoc. Any and all info is much appreciated. I’m so grateful for the experience of others to help with the process.