Still cry everyday

Natasha Cruz-Segarra

I took care of my mom at my home for the last 3 years. She passed away with me lying in bed with her and holding her in my arms. For some reason I thought when she passed it would be a relief but it wasn’t, she was so young only 69 years old & she went so quickly, just 2 weeks before she passed (11-28-21) she was still walking having normal conversation with my husband & I, well normal for her. Then she would stop speaking for hours at a time or she would get so restless Constantly going outside saying we had to leave. She was already on hospice so of course they started the comfort pack. But I would ask her to move her eyebrows if she could hear me and she would. I figured she was being overmedicated so I reduced all the doses of medication to see if she would wake up and she did it to excruciating pain at that point we resumed her medication‘s and I knew she probably would never wake up again. It took her four days to finally pass. I’ve been a nurse for the last 20 years and work primarily with geriatric patients but it’s so much different when it’s your mother. The last 24 hours were the hardest with her temperature rising above 104. Now i am angry with my sister who only  spent 4 hours with her before she flew home but then puts on Facebook how she lost her best friend,  annoyed with my dad who tells me how much he misses her but every time she would go over there he would get mad /Frustrated  with her and I would go pick her back up usually within a couple of hours. Their lives have not really changed at all. I know this is wrong but I feel like I am keeping score & they do not get to miss her. I know i sound like a brat & I am a brat , my mom would always she rottened me because she could not remember the word spoiled. I guess I just miss her, she was everything for the last 3 years. I quit my job to take care of her, she was my purpose & now it’s hard because I can not remember what life was like before she got Alzheimer’s & I started to care for her. Well I guess I just needed to vent & be heard

Natasha Cruz-Segarra

Thank you

TessC

I'm so very sorry for your loss! I can relate, Natasha, but I know my mom wouldn't want me to harbor ill feelings towards my siblings so I spent years trying to forgive and forget. Like you, I took care of mom in our home for 15 years.  10 years being hard,  then 4 years were difficult and the last year was horrific. But I came out of it a better person and I thank my mom for the lessons she taught me even though she could not talk, feed herself, or even stand. Like you, my life was devoted to her care and when she was gone, I felt lost for awhile. But I've rebound nicely because its what my mom would have wanted. Even now, I do everything for my mom   I hope you will find your center and peace, but for now, grieve as you want, even if it means taking tally of your sister and father "help". Please come back and tell us how you are doing. Best wishes to you!

Mrs. O

Natasha,  Your words "can't remember what life was like before she got Alzheimers'" struck my heart.  I had the exact difficulty after losing my husband of almost 40 yrs. to Lewy Body Dementia.  Everyone always says "Just remember the good times."   Well, after going through years of the Hell that dementia unleashes, it's hard to get back to "the good times," and for a while I feared that I never would be able to.  My heart was so broken over the misery that he had to endure.  I couldn't stop thinking about his suffering.  Even when I dreamed about him, I saw him in distress, and I had to help him, or comfort him in my dream.  It took over a year for that to turn around.  I finally had a dream where he walked around a corner and smiled at me.  He didn't say a word, but just stood there smiling. I finally woke up happy, and took it as a sign that he was finally OK now.  It really helped me to move on with my life.  So.... be patient with yourself as you grieve.  The truth is.... you're always gonna want your mama. You will move forward only when you are ready to move forward.  Grief has to be worked through.  It never ends, but it changes. You will reconcile your feelings in time, and you will be OK.  Best Wishes to you.... Mrs. O.

Imamess

The sad thing and the best thing is...they did not have the journey you had or the time with her that you had, you have more memories. live in those. My oldest sister took over the medical etc things for my mom but truth is she did nothing much for her life before that. My kids and I were always with my mom, we stayed weekends visiting, shopping etc. But she stepped up when it counted and im thankful for that. My brothers couldn't help much when she/we needed it, trust me there were a lot of family troubles with the Alz journey. Mom was and is my everything, my grief only grows. You will get to a point that you wont resent others for their "lac of", don't let them tarnish your feelings. be happy of the time spent no matter how hard it was. big hugs.

Space within

Hello Natasha

Sending you much love.  You are so strong anf loving.  I lost my mom in september and also went through bouts of sadness , physically seeing my sibilings grieving differently than I had expected.   For my peace of mind and heart, I kept reminding myself we all grieve differently...and possibly loss and letting are involved in  Love which requires much bravery...to be with and accept   I would of never imagined this much heartache to be part of Love.   

I try also to remember the time shared with my mom before she became sick, It's difficult. When my mom passed away, one of my best friends said it best- "you are grieving two people, Your Mom before she became sick and your Mom with her illness."  

Thank you for sharing your experience. I felt much love reading the love and support you gave to your Mom. You are brave and beautiful , 

Sending love and peace.