Grandx, Drina, grief, anger, fear, tender hearts

storycrafter

I was touched by Grandx's thread, "Grieving stages on this rough road."  I'm especially moved tonight by Drina's reply where she shares about not wanting to attend a large gathering and her daughter's response of anger, accusing her of "wasting/not living life." Oh that hurts. I don't want to derail Grandx's topic, so I'm opening this thread to share what's coming up for me, trying to reason things out and put it into words for more clarity. I process things as I write and thank you for "listening."

I've heard and also experienced that frustrated/angry message from others, in varied forms, and have been trying to sort out my confusion. I want to respond kindly, even while I disagree in some cases, in order to protect myself and my loved ones. A couple examples: I have a sibling who thinks we're "silly" because my husband insists that anyone coming into our house who hasn't been vaccinated must wear a mask. "Too many people just live in fear!" she said in frustration.

Second example: I have a friend who got very angry when I told her I wasn't hugging anyone for now. "Why live in fear?" she protested. (I have also had someone hug me and THEN tell me they had a bad cold. Talk about anger. Perhaps she is having mental decline?) I love hugs. In the current climate I have to steel myself not to hug. But I live with an incurable auto-immune disease that takes a constant toll; support my FTD husband; take care of my toddler grandson. I'm saddened by it, but it's become prudent for me to avoid hugs, especially with someone I know is not vaccinated. It's a simple way to protect both self and others, to increase the odds of good health. (I was glad when my friend got over her anger.)

My highly educated, experienced doctor has told me to avoid crowds and to hold off re-joining the choirs I used to sing in. "There are an awful lot of people who are sick right now," he said. I respect his knowledgeable opinion and it validates my instinct to protect and care for my loved ones. I want to contribute to our lives, so I take responsibility to do what I can for their well being and my own. When I'm trying my best to do the right thing day after day, it adds to caregiving stress when others direct unhelpful anger at me. I wonder what's behind their anger? (I know there's some fatigue behind mine!)

I'm figuring this out as I write.... To say someone is "not living life" because they choose caution, or to label it as "living in fear," sounds to me like a dismissive form of black and white thinking. There is one thing I know for sure - life is not black and white, and never will be. Gray areas abound and they span the entire continuum of fear and safety. Without fear we wouldn't be alive in the first place. Without fear we wouldn't learn to not touch a hot stove. We wouldn't learn how to keep ourselves safe by not walking out into the middle of traffic on a rough road.

A mature healthy adult - and caregivers most of all - would be irresponsible if they didn't practice caution. The pandemic is not over, it's not going away, and it'll take time for us to learn to live with it beside us. The freely mutating virus is currently rampaging through the population worse than before; it ravages even healthy vaccinated younger people. This isn't fear. It is fact. This isn't happening someplace else to someone else. It's happening right next door, and to us.

Even though I may not agree with someone else's opinion about something, I respect their humanity, their diversity, and their right to a unique point of view. At the same time I need to honor my particular needs and circumstances and those of my loved ones. I need to preserve life and choose to raise the odds of good health through responsible action and avoiding foolish decisions for my situation.

In interactions with others it's so hurtful, so hard, when we don't feel respected and accepted, especially when we could really use support with difficult caregiving situations. It's harder for everyone when we forget that anger is part of grief; underneath our anger is fear; underneath our fear, if we take time to let it rise, (paraphrased from something I read, perhaps on a gratitude site)... underneath our fear is a profound and tender love that runs deep. May we all get in touch with that tender heart and allow it to help heal our grief.

Mint

(((Storycrafter))),  Thank you for sharing this.  You said beautifully what I feel but could not put into words as you have.  Thank you.

Have experienced most of the same things you have, mostly from some of my direct family and it has been so disappointing. The people who I thought would be there for me.  Have learned that is not true.  Like you I’m still trying to be kind but not be deterred from what im comfortable with.  

As I was reading this something came to me.  Fear is the beginning of wisdom.  In the Bible this was talking about spiritually.  Believe this also applies naturally.  My fear is not overwhelming as they try to say.  I have respectful fear for the disease as I have for other things that can be harmful as you mentioned.   I have been given the wisdom , I feel, to deal with it and thankful for that.

Hugging is probably the thing I miss the most. 

You take care

loveskitties

Respect for another's opinion and choices seems to be what is lacking in those who disparage your actions.

Each person makes decisions on how they feel about this pandemic.  Just because you or I make different decisions does not make either of us wrong.

To me it is like being presented with 2 boxes.  In one is gold, in the other is possible severe sickness or death.  I choose not to pick either.  There is nothing that I am "giving up" that can be bought with the gold and everything to loose from the other.

Being cautious and careful in these trying times may have its drawbacks, but none so bad that I would risk my health or that of my loved ones.

DrinaJGB

I believe. it was Hemingway who said the world breaks everyone, and those it does not break it kills.

jfkoc

Is it fear or wisdom that keeps us from standing in the middle of I40?

It has got to be both...we know what can/will likely happen so we choose not to.

This idea of "I am going to live" has no argument if that means the person's "living" has no effect on others. 

Is that even possible? I think not but how about when those who are "living" spread disease to other and how about when they need medical care? Are theygoing to just go home to bed and hope for the best. Ha!

Harsh but honestly wouldn't that be fair?????

Quilting brings calm

Yes, I am tired of people telling me that people like me are too fearful.  It’s not fearful to walk on the sidewalk rather than the street, to lock your doors, etc.  it’s exhibiting caution and wisdom and concern for those around you.   I look at people through a lens of ‘what in the heck are you drinking or smoking ’ these days.  It’s very sad and there are people I will never be able to interact with the same again.

sandwichone123

I see it as selfishness: a desire to see the world as simple and comprehensible. Either you're with us or agin' us. People don't want to hear the complexity of your situation, and even if they know it they don't want to have to change their behavior. They see themselves as totally right, so anyone who disagrees in any detail is totally wrong.

We have become a culture of largely selfish people who see their wants as paramount, surpassing even the clear needs of others.

I've also noticed that people who make a different decision are often labeled as fearful. Reason is discounted so fear is all that is left.