guidance needed please - DH's adult son is in the hospital

LadyTexan

DH's adult son is in the hospital ICU 90 miles away. He has been intubated. He was in critical condition and is now in stable condition. DH is not yet aware of this.

Because DH can no longer use the phone, I monitor his phone and noticed 2 calls in the middle of the night. When I Returned the calls this morning, I reached the ex-wife and mother of DH's son. She gave me the few details I have. It is an illness, not an accident. 

Do I tell DH the few details I have or wait for more info. I am not a parent, but I would imagine I would want to be by my child's side. DH would definitely understand that his son is in the hospital. WHAT DO I DO?

loveskitties

Dear Lady,

Do your DH and his son communicate on a regular basis?  Will he be wondering why he has not heard from him recently?

If you tell him, do you think he would insist on going to the hospital?

I don't know about your area, but here the hospitals have a limit of 2 people who can be on the list for visits due to COVID.

Perhaps, it might be best just to let DH know that son is not well and wait for updates.  Even if DH could get in to see him, that is probably not what is best for either him or you given the current situation in hospitals.

If son improves to get to a regular room, then DH can talk to him on phone.  

I know you don't want to withhold critical info from DH in case something dire happens, but not sure that telling DH would have any positive impact for any of you.

Of course only you know what is best.  Prayers for the son's recovery.

Hugs

dayn2nite2

I don't think he'd even be able to visit the son in the hospital - all the hospitals around me are no visitors due to COVID.

So would it help or hurt your situation to tell him, knowing that he can't visit his son?

I suspect it would hurt him and cause agitation, which in turn hurts your situation.  I would opt not to tell.  As I recall, the relationship is not overly close.

Quilting brings calm

First, check in with your step-sons mother daily.  Ask her to call or text you on your phone because your spouse can’t use the phone.  Tell her that your  phone will get answered sooner.  

Does she understand your spouse’s actual situation?  Her calling his number in the middle of the night sort of sounds like she doesn’t.  Unless she didn’t have yours and assumed you’d answer his phone.  

Find out the visitation situation.  He may not be allowed more than one visitor/ his mom.  Ask her what she needs and wants in terms  of either of you being there.  It’s probable that once she understands your spouses situation, she is  not going to be able to deal with him being there. 

Given all that you’ve shared about your spouse’s situation and his recent hospital stay himself, I’m not sure what to tell you about telling him especially if he can’t go there. Would he even be able to say a few words into the phone if you got connected with a nurse to hold the phone to his son’s ear? 

It seems like when it rains, it pours.  You wonder just when it’s going to stop and if it will be before your breaking point. 

M1

LT, likelihood is that it is Covid, and they probably won't let you visit even if your husband was in his right mind.  I think I would wait on more information.

DrinaJGB

Not sure I would. ICU is a scary and surreal experience. It makes the world feel unreal for a normal person. There is no more helpless feeling than seeing your LO hooked up on a vent and knowing that nothing is in your control.

sandwichone123

I would not tell him details. If pressed or if I thought it was a good idea I would tell him his son is sick, but would imply that he was home watching game shows like we did as kids when we were home from school. I would not say anything that might imply going to check on him or that he is in the hospital.

caberr

I think you should wait for more details.  Then I would tell him.  I know it's confusing and I'm sure he will constantly ask what's happening.   If you can't get in to see his son, I would speak to his son's mother together, on speaker, so you both know what is happening. 

You are the only one who knows what would be best.  I guess trust your gut. 

Praying his son gets well.  And praying you and your DH will be ok. 

Beachfan

I agree with “sandwich”.  As little information as possible, imparted in as gentle a manner as possible.  Anything further might add to DH’s confusion and only add to your stress.  Hopefully, within days, his son will improve/recover and you can plan going forward.  If anyone can figure out how to manage this situation, LT, you can!  Good luck.

Crushed

Just a lawyer's caution .  You are of course a "stranger" to the relationship  so I would  tread very gently. 

I assume the calls came from the mother to the father.

 Assuming the mother is the "next of kin" work with her.  Remember it's her call not yours.

Rescue mom

Just as a “blended family” member…I also wondered why the mom was calling your DH,  does she know how serious his cognitive issues are? But the mom and dad are still the next-of-kin “powers”….as crushed was alluding to, I think. 

But as someone else said, ICU is an awful place even for those who are not impaired. Covid rules are making everything harder, regardless.  If DH knew, and insisted on going,  could he? How upset might he get? Could you get him there and handle him? 

I’m usually in the minority in support of telling the PWD unpleasant things—once. But this has a lot more angles and complications, and huge direct impacts on you. I’d say at least wait for more details. If it is Covid, there’ll be more restrictions he may not fully understand.

Paris20

I probably would wait to tell him. He will probably forget anything you tell him today anyway. I’d wait until your husband has to act in some way to any news. If his son fully recovers, you’ve spared DH from hearing disturbing information that he didn’t need. If there is news that DH must know and act on, then the news can be shared. My niece died 18 months ago and my husband continues to forget it happened.

ButterflyWings

(((Lady T))) it surely is one thing after another for us, it seems. The good news is he is getting the necessary care and is currently stable. I agree with the suggestions to wait until you have more information. Then you can decide what and how to share, if at all. 

If it were me, I would first want to understand:

• what happened (if he’s on a vent, sounds like COVID)
• what are the medical professionals saying about the prognosis
• what is being asked of your DH (you). He can’t sign, pay, help make decisions, or provide care. Does she know this?  
• what is the possible impact on your DH’s mental/emotional state if informed, especially if not allowed to visit (it seems unwise to expose him to that environment. Might he recall some parts his own involuntary admission?) 

Can you talk with your own counselor for a sounding board since our PWD spouses unfortunately can’t help us think through things anymore.

What is the relationship with your stepson and with his mom? My blended steps and in-laws resented and resisted my being the contact person by the time my DH was late Stage 4/5 which was simply necessary.I hope you won’t have those dynamics. I agree that your stepson’s mom is the lead regarding decisions for her son, but YOU are the decision maker for your DH regardless of any expectations she or even DH’s son may have. That’s not harsh; just reality now. 

Prayers for all...

abc123

Sending prayers for strength and wisdom for you. I am so sorry the young man is sick. I know you will make the best decision.

JoseyWales

I don't have any advice to offer, just my sincere prayers for you, your DH and his son. 

My DH also has a son from a previous marriage - I'm keeping many details about his life to myself and not sharing with my husband, but none are as serious as what you're dealing with.

extex

As I remember your  husband is pretty far along in the journey.  If you think he would forget about you telling him tomorrow, you can tell him. Otherwise, he will drive you nuts wanting to go see him and wanting you to give him status updates.  I believe I would hold off telling him anything until you get a more clear picture of the situation.  Also, the medical people will likely allow the boys mother to make all the health care calls anyway.

JJ401

What you do is your choice, but I can tell you what (I think) I would do. I would not tell my DH. It would upset him (even if he later forgets) and there is nothing that he can do. He can’t make medical decisions for his son. Even if he had the current financial means to pay, he cant risk jeopardizing future Medicaid eligibility. Most likely he cant visit, and even if the facility would let him in having him visit would not be a good idea. 

I’d apprise the ex of DH’s condition (as calling in the middle of the night implies she didn’t know) and ask to be kept informed of stepson’s progress.

If for some reason DH mentions this son, I’d just say he isn’t feeling well and can’t visit right now.

LadyTexan

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your thoughtful replies and your prayers. I have not told DH what is happening. 

I have learned that the dx is not COVID. The condition is Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA). The condition was made worse by delayed treatment. 

I have informed the son's mother that DH's Alzheimer's is severe and requested updates. She has been accommodating. 

It is very hard to keep this difficult news from DH, but I think it is best for now. There is nothing he can do.

DH loves his son. They were estranged for over a year and just recently reconnected. The son and his pregnant girlfriend recently visited us at the cottage a month or so ago.

Again thank you all for your guidance. It has been extremely helpful and comforting. God bless you all.

Ed1937

Lady, I'm sorry for your situation. But I think you are doing the right thing. Prayers coming for you and everyone involved.

M1

Glad for the update LT, what a blessing it is not covid and I hope he won't be exposed to it in the ICU.  DKA is very treatable so hopefully he will stabilize quickly.  Probably still best not to visit or discuss since there is nothing you can do for now.  Fingers crossed for you--having a LO in the hospital is never easy and at the holidays/ covid surge it just makes it more difficult.  Will be thinking of you.  I remember that they reconnected recently.

LadyTexan

I am happy to report that DH's son is off the ventilator and doing much better. He will have to stay in the hospital a few more days.

Keeping this information from DH was incredibly stressful for me. I understand why it was the best option. But it was very difficult. Now that the son is doing better, the burden is lighter. I am surprised how emotionally draining this experience was for me.

Thank you all for your support and guidance. You help me more than you know.

Ed1937

I'm glad he is doing much better. And I understand why it would be stressful keeping that info from your DH. But you did the right thing. I hope things continue to get better.

abc123

Thank you for the update! I'm so glad the young man is better, what a blessing. I'm sorry this was hard on you LT. It really is "always something". I hope you are feeling better now. 

Merry Christmas to you & DH. Hugs to Hap!