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New here; crazy holiday

Hello, I have been taking care of my 84 yo, undiagnosed dad for 3 months now. Things have been declining quickly. As the summer turned to fall we noticed some cogitation changes in my dad. Forgetting he had just called us, angry out bursts, behavior not like him. I decided to go with him to his doc apt. His doc poo-poo’d everything. 

The end of Oct his wife got COVID and went in the hospital. My dad ended up testing positive but was asymptomatic. Thank goodness!  At this point his wife informed us ( her kids and my two brothers and me) she was leaving him. She did not want to care for him. This shocked all of us!

I moved my dad in to my home with my two 26 yo sons. At this point my dad had declined to the point he can no longer drive, play cards, speak complete clear sentences. His sentences are words all jumbled and crazy. He cannot shave or zip his pants. I haven’t been able to get a doc apt until end of Jan!

We have taken care of all of the legalities, we think but medically and safety are a huge concern  My third son and his girlfriend came home for a week at Christmas and my dad thinks the girlfriend is evil and useless. I hadn’t seen my son in two years and I am heartbroken. My dad keeps being mean to them!  Any advice?

Comments

  • terei
    terei Member Posts: 582
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Insightfuls Reactions 100 Likes
    Member

    It probably is best if they are just not in each other’s presence.  Frequently PWD have such

    delusions about others + I have never heard of them being dissuaded from their beliefs about

    others.  Sometimes the delusions spontaneously disappear, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

    I assume you have explained to your son + GF that it is the disease causing him to behave this way, but truly, I don’t think there is much you can do about it.

  • PickledCondiment
    PickledCondiment Member Posts: 56
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments
    Member

    Welcome to the rollercoaster.  First, congratulations for getting the legalities out of the way. Now you'll need to deal with the medical and safety issues.  Get on the schedule of a neurologist ASAP, geriatric psych specialist as well if possible.  These folks are busy so you'll need to be a pest, squeaky wheel, don't be afraid to stay on them relentlessly to schedule an appointment. 

    Share with your kids and anyone in the house, dad isn't the guy he used to be and things will be worse from here.  His brain is broken and he's coping the best he can. Ask them to be bigger minded and learn from the situation.  We're all going to age.  Ask them to be kind and find gentle humor where possible. 

    My mother has declined rapidly in six months. She's decided I worship the devil, I have no idea where the thought came from.  Tomorrow will be something different. If I took her seriously, I'd need to be sedated

    Please keep checking in and posting, we all learn from each other and support each other. 

  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 2,487
    500 Likes 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    Welcome to the forum.  We are sorry about the situation that brought you here.  

    This is a great place for support.  Read  as many pages back in this and the spouse forum as you have time for.  You will find lots of good advice, mentions of reading material etc. 

    Since you don’t mention how old or healthy the wife was or how long the marriage lasted, we don’t have a clear picture of what she thought.  But she may not have been able to physically, mentally or emotionally cope.  It’s very hard on spouses particularly. 

    Your dad probably will never be polite to the girlfriend.  May begin being the same to his grandsons as his mind deteriorates and he forgets who they are.

    He sounds pretty far along for his doctor not to recognize the symptoms. But then patients are capable of acting almost normal at the doctors office. At this stage, and on, you really need to decide if you can actually take care of your dad 24/7 or if he would be better in memory care.  There is no shame or evil in admitting that memory care would be appropriate.  You will find a variety of care situations on this forum. Home, facility, and so forth. 

  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 1,150
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Likes 25 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    Hi Hjc - welcome to 'here'

    I totally agree that you probably will not be able to change his mind. Just a thought, though... sometimes a PWD will project a past person onto someone present.  Tell the girlfriend NOT to take it personally (I know, easier said than done).

    And yes, if you read other posts, you will find that some of the closest relatives can be the most disappointing.  ~sigh~  Sorry you are having to go through all of this, but know that he is blessed to have you to watch out for him.  It is hard!

    Check out the 'solutions' tab above.  Check the '36-Hour Day' book.

    and do keep in the forums.  I have found much advice and support here.

  • abc123
    abc123 Member Posts: 1,171
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Care Reactions 5 Likes
    Member
    Please make sure the wife did not empty his bank accounts and take steps to ensure she can’t in the future. He will need his money to pay for his care.
  • Unknown By Man
    Unknown By Man Member Posts: 98
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    Member

    Unfortunately not much can be done expect keep them separated which does unfortunately blow. My mother hates my wife calls her horrible names, and I defended my wife tooth and nail but we found the best solution is to keep them away from one another. Out of sight out of mind, as time went on my mom created doubles of people so the version of my wife my mother likes is mar-mar and the version he hates is the girl. 

    We spent the holidays together this year cause it was the first holiday without my dad and my mom was telling my MIL how much she hates the girl over there pointing at my wife. It was fairly awkward to say the least. From what I have found once a person with A/D hates a person that hatred rarely goes away. Correcting the behavior is useless it will not stick. 

  • Hjc101
    Hjc101 Member Posts: 4
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Member

    Thank you for all your advice, very helpful!

    My dad was married for about 29 years. His wife is 83 and is totally “with it”. During the Spring and summer she began leaving the house and keeping busy all day. I believe in hindsight to stay away from him.  I have a feeling my dad was a bit neglected, not eating or taking meds. He lost a lot of weight over the summer. Another of the reasons I stepped in to go to his doc with him. 

    Now that she has kept him and he lives with me, I have only seen a few bouts of aggression. That doesn’t mean he was nice to her. She hasn’t shared any info with us.  

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more