Mom obsessed with true crime shows

*Ollie*

My 80 year old mom, who is losing her memory and has moderate cognitive decline, moved in with my husband and I a few months ago bc she can't live alone anymore.   There are many challenges as you all know but this post is about one in particular.   I've searched the message boards a bit but couldn't find anything regarding what we are dealing with.  My mom watches true crime 6 am - 10 pm (we don't allow her to watch tv 10 pm - 6 am ,which she would).  Her social skills have withered and she only wants to talk to us about these horrible situations, which we have zero interest in.  Telling her I'm not interested doesn't help and she will interrupt anything to tell us about what she is watching.  

What is this obsession about?   

She's not interested in doing anything independent other than this.  We've tried adult coloring books, easy crosswords, books on cd, books with large print, puzzles....she isn't interested.  The ONLY thing she will do independently is watch these shows.  I took her to one adult day center but she wasn't into it.  She doesn't like any of the activities they do.  

We have busy lives:  full-time jobs, two almost adult daughters, and various other commitments/interests.   

Is there a way to help her be more independent in activities that are actually good for her? 

Stuck in the middle

True crime shows are like HGTV, every show is pretty much alike.  I suspect some PWD like the repetition of seeing essentially the same show over and over.  My wife loves the NCIS series and has seen every episode dozens of times. She is watching NCIS at this moment.

Some people have success persuading their LOs that they are going to day care as volunteers.  This would be a good thing if you and the day care staff can pull it off, because she will need more help as time passes and it is not too soon to start the process of familiarization.

Unknown By Man

Tbh I say count your blessing she is still able to do something independent. With that said, my mom also did not like day care, but when I asked the staff to farm it like she works at the daycare she was far more welcoming to the idea. They allowed her to hand out meals, clean, distribute the activities they were doing. 

I do mot know if that helps, but maybe you can try that with your mon. I have also learned that adjusting to the interests of your parent does lessen the burden to a degree especially if they are interested in the topic. My mom is mostly into gardening and plat based cooking shows, she also does watch YouTube channels like lockpickinglawyer and stuff, So I have tied to pick up those interests with her, I will cook a meal I saw her watching with her help, or even make it while we watch if I have the ingredients on hand, or would ask her to show me how to pick a lock, explain to me what is going on in the video.

That said I get these are rather tame interests compared to your mother but maybe it might be worth a try. 

Tancloer

Thank you for posting Ollie! I am in a similar situation with my mom-in-law. Fortunately she still lives in her own home, mostly because she refuses to consider moving anywhere and still has most of her cognitive skills. She is beginning to show signs of dementia, but I don't know if it is enough to get a diagnosis yet. 

Her favorite television is QVC and the Home Shopping Network. She also spends time watching the news - which tells her how horrible the world is. I have tried to get her interested in other activities, but much like your mom, she is not interested in anything. 

Hope there is a solution here for both of us.

harshedbuzz

*Ollie* wrote:

My 80 year old mom, who is losing her memory and has moderate cognitive decline, moved in with my husband and I a few months ago bc she can't live alone anymore.   There are many challenges as you all know but this post is about one in particular.   I've searched the message boards a bit but couldn't find anything regarding what we are dealing with. 

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reasn to be here, but happy you found us.

I'm not surprised you didn't come across this topic using the search feature- this site is something of a klunker. Similar topics come up a lot and I know I have personally written volumes on crime drama addiction. 

My mom watches true crime 6 am - 10 pm (we don't allow her to watch tv 10 pm - 6 am ,which she would).  Her social skills have withered and she only wants to talk to us about these horrible situations, which we have zero interest in.  Telling her I'm not interested doesn't help and she will interrupt anything to tell us about what she is watching.  

Dementia comes with many losses we take for granted. One that disappears fairly early on for most is empathy which is not quite the same skill as sympathy. Being able to intuitively sense how another person feels and acting accordingly evaporates pretty early on which can lend a "childlike" quality to their behavior. 

What is this obsession about?   

It's an easy way to fill time and ease boredom in a household where no one is available to engage her 24/7. With her social filters mostly gone, she's basically a "Looky Lou" staring at a bad accident. As SITM pointed out, they're very formulamatic and would feel reassuring and be easy to follow. 

She's not interested in doing anything independent other than this.  We've tried adult coloring books, easy crosswords, books on cd, books with large print, puzzles....she isn't interested.

She likely doesn't have the short term memory to watch more engaging TV or do puzzles. She seems to crave more human interaction than you can offer given where you are in life. Perhaps you could try repetitive activities like folding towels or matching socks to fill her time and make her feel useful.

My dad went through a phase in the mid-stages where the characters on "Bluebloods" became a kind of surrogate family for him. I think he thought he was Tom Selleck character. He'd often relate stories about their family dinners as if he were participating. Around this time he developed an unseemly interest in the ladies who populate Fox News which was just creepy.   

The ONLY thing she will do independently is watch these shows.  I took her to one adult day center but she wasn't into it.  She doesn't like any of the activities they do.  

Unless you gave it a couple of weeks, it's not really a fair trial. I would try again. Perhaps if you or one of the grands stayed the first day or two and helped her engage with others she'd enjoy it more. Or maybe the ruse of working or volunteering there would appeal. I'd try again or consider a companion to take her out if that is feasible once COVID numbers cool off a bit. A companion caregiver could take her out for a hair or nail appointment, to Silver Sneakers, to walk around the mall or lunch. 

We have busy lives:  full-time jobs, two almost adult daughters, and various other commitments/interests.   

It's hard.

Is there a way to help her be more independent in activities that are actually good for her? 

I wouldn't sweat the "good for her" stuff. The brain is not a muscle that can be exercised into shape so it performs better in a dementia situation. I know it's the advice given and considered best practices but it can be an unrealistic goal that only serves to make the caregiver feel as though they're not doing enough.

I personally emptied a 12' long closet of paper bags stuffed- ceiling to floor- with cut-out NYT crossword puzzles from my aunt when she went into MC. She would color for a time. I bought her those Dover coloring books of historical and vintage fashion (she was very into clothing) which she enjoyed for a time. 

That said, the crime shows are a problem. My mom (my dad had dementia) was a crime drama addict; she watched several hours each night. Over time, dad became increasing confused about the shows. I asked mom to stop watching them, but they were her guilty pleasure after a day of putting up with dad's craziness (he was not the pleasantly befuddled PWD) and she sort of refused. One day I came for a visit and dad was all worked up about having been kidnapped the night before by thugs, so I put parental blocks on the channels that air mom's shows. I also blocked the 24 hour news channels and weather because dad believed whatever horrible weather event was happening in the world was right outside his door. The month before I put parental controls on pay-per-views after dad signed up for premium packages of NHL and NBA seasons, Guardians of the Galaxy and Stingray Karaoke. He found other stuff to watch- a lot of documentaries, some childrens shows, the auto auction. A lot of folks have success with the old sitcoms and westerns from the 1960s. 

HB

ninalu

Ollie,
My mom went through a similar fixation that bridged her pre- and post-dementia diagnosis. For her it was World War II documentaries and stories. Since mom lived through the war, it was initially easy to explain it as a fascination with history - her own history - which of course it was to some degree. She watched the same stories over and over and over (she had DVDs of all of this.) Early on, I was surprised that she could watch the same thing over and over and over again. She did the same with a couple novels; read them over and over again. This was when she was more independent and one of the early signs to me that something was up. 

As her dementia progressed, I noticed that the war stories were showing up in her discussion of people and places familiar to her. She started to speak of bombs in the neighborhood, or angry / violent people that wanted to hurt her, smash glass in her face, etc.  Similar to others, I had to remove access to these stories and narratives that seemed to be feeding her brain with fearful scenes that became interwoven with her present-day reality. To be honest, I think that mom's present-day reality was too dull for her at that point. I say more about this below.

For a period, we successfully replaced the war stories with outdoor adventure videos. She related to this - as this was stuff she did herself in her younger years - and it seemed to provide the thrill and emotional stimulation she was looking for. Her talk about bad people and violence declined and was replaced by talk of being in the mountains and nighttime dreams of skiing, hiking, etc. This seemed positive to me. I wonder if there's anything similarly thrilling that could help you fill the gap for your mom? At this stage, FYI, my mom hated her adult day care. She thought everything they did there was beneath her. Eventually, the skill of caregivers there helped us bridge the divide. We helped Mom believe that Adult Day Care was her job - she was volunteering her time to help others that needed help. Since mom had a lively career focused on others, this was how we "solved" the conundrum. She wanted to be actively engaged and it connected her to her real life. It also allowed her to feel as though she contributed something valuable and gave her a sense of purpose. I'd pick her up from daycare and she'd tell me stories of the good she did that day to help others and how busy she was and how tired she is now - ready for a good night's sleep. In reality, her day care job stories were actually stories about her former real-life job. She was living in the reality of her former career and manifesting the sense of purpose and esteem she got from that. We were really lucky to have hit upon this bridge in my mom's case. Daycare helped Mom ease into the eventual reality where she would need to be with others 24/7 for safety and calm/positive engagement. 
 
I don't know if any of my mom's story could help you with your own mom's transition. I hope so.

*Ollie*

Thanks for sharing your stories and experiences.   I hadn't thought about the fact that the storylines being predictable as a reason she would be drawn to them.  She even says that the shows follow a pattern so somewhere in her mind she even recognizes that.  I would have thought that would lessen her interest but clearly I am still learning about dementia.  We will look into putting in parental controls and see if that helps.   My husband and I will occasionally watch a show with her and we mostly tolerate her sudden need to tell us about the horrible people in the world.   But I have my limits and express them when necessary.   Just because she has dementia she doesn't get a free pass!  

 I love the idea of telling my mom she will be helping out at the daycare as a way to get her buy in.   I certainly would have given the place we visited a couple of weeks but she wasn't having it.  There were several people there that had severe cognitive decline and it made my mom really uncomfortable.  And, because we are still dealing with the pandemic here, these facilities aren't operating at full capacity.  There are less people going and therefore less activities offered.  My mom did express interest in going to an exercise class but unfortunately all the places that offer them for seniors are still remote at this time.   

I can see going to daycare as a natural transition to 24/7 care to help build the familiarity.  

Wilted Daughter

Short answer...maybe not. Your mom sounds like she has fixated on certain interests and that's that. My mom watches mostly news and reads the daily 'nothing to see here' local news while staring out the window all day until dark. It used to drive me around in circles, then I realized she is not hurting anyone and it makes her less anxious.

We all like what we like and do what we do to bring comfort, relaxation, eliminate boredom, etc. It could be worst she could want to go out or wander all the time. Pick and choose your battles and let her be if she is not causing damage to safety or health. You'll have to be more flexible than her...they will likely not change but we can learn to adapt/over look some things.

Hope this helps.

Unknown By Man

*Ollie* wrote:

Thanks for sharing your stories and experiences.   I hadn't thought about the fact that the storylines being predictable as a reason she would be drawn to them.  She even says that the shows follow a pattern so somewhere in her mind she even recognizes that.  I would have thought that would lessen her interest but clearly I am still learning about dementia.  We will look into putting in parental controls and see if that helps.   My husband and I will occasionally watch a show with her and we mostly tolerate her sudden need to tell us about the horrible people in the world.   But I have my limits and express them when necessary.   Just because she has dementia she doesn't get a free pass!  

 I love the idea of telling my mom she will be helping out at the daycare as a way to get her buy in.   I certainly would have given the place we visited a couple of weeks but she wasn't having it.  There were several people there that had severe cognitive decline and it made my mom really uncomfortable.  And, because we are still dealing with the pandemic here, these facilities aren't operating at full capacity.  There are less people going and therefore less activities offered.  My mom did express interest in going to an exercise class but unfortunately all the places that offer them for seniors are still remote at this time.   

I can see going to daycare as a natural transition to 24/7 care to help build the familiarity.  

One thing I will just say from experience when it comes to some PWD they do not care or understand what limits / boundaries are. While, I am still new to this as others have said it is about picking your battles. Generally speaking it appears the common practice is those with A/D do get a free pass if their behavior is not causing harm to themselves or those around them.

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harshedbuzz

*Ollie* wrote:

But I have my limits and express them when necessary.   Just because she has dementia she doesn't get a free pass!  

I agree with Victoria here. The damage to your mom's diseased brain will cause more than mere forgetfulness. She will lose abilities around empathy (understanding/caring this topic upsets you), executive function (understanding cause and effect) as well as her social filters. She doesn't have the skills needed to rein it in. 

Many refer to caring for their parentWD as "parenting the parent" which is a way of saying the tables are turned and you find yourself using many of the tricks that helped you survive the toddler and preschool years. In this situation, removing the trigger proactively makes more sense- it's a bit like not taking your kid down the candy aisle if he's going to tantrum when you say no. Make the shows unavailable and if/when she notices, create a fiblet where they're between seasons or the cable provider doesn't offer them anymore. 

 I love the idea of telling my mom she will be helping out at the daycare as a way to get her buy in.   I certainly would have given the place we visited a couple of weeks but she wasn't having it.  There were several people there that had severe cognitive decline and it made my mom really uncomfortable.  And, because we are still dealing with the pandemic here, these facilities aren't operating at full capacity.  There are less people going and therefore less activities offered.  My mom did express interest in going to an exercise class but unfortunately all the places that offer them for seniors are still remote at this time.   

I can see going to daycare as a natural transition to 24/7 care to help build the familiarity.  

Do you have a line in the sand for when you would transition your mom to a MCF given that that is your plan for care? Would it be when she reaches a stage where she'd be unsafe alone and would restrict your family's ability to come and go as you like without arranging care? Would it be when incontinence sets in and/or personal hygiene requires hands on assistance with toileting and bathing? Would it be when wandering or disturbed sleep become disruptive to the rest of the family?

Have you consulted with a CELA to discuss financial strategies for her future care? Does she have the money for memory care and for how long? Will her assets provide for the rest of her life or will she require Medicaid as a safety net? Will your state fund MC or would she need to be eligible for a SNF?

There are pluses to making a placement earlier when your LO has more bandwidth to make the transition and take advantage of the activity programming and social opportunities. Some PWD do quite well in a care facility where staff can be more attentive than an adult child who is trying to work a fulltime career and raise children.

IME, using a day program as a transition to FT care works only when the PWD attends a day program in the facility in which they will be living with the same residents, routines, physical space and staff. My aunt's CCRC had adult daycare in their PC and MC units for people who weren't safe home alone while their caregivers worked- they mixed with the general MC population during the day and some even took part in appointments with the in-house podiatrist, barber/stylist/mobile dentist, manicurists, mobile optometrist which meant the caregivers didn't have to schedule this on their own time. They also gave showers for some clients. We met a couple families who did this for a time before placement. A few folks at mom's support group tried something similar attending a more traditional day program that was separate from their MC residents which didn't seem to help transition at all. 

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m not obsessed with true crime shows but I enjoy them… a lot. Yep I’m one of those…

Nevertheless, I would never watch them with my mom.  She can’t even watch the news as any bad news or violence in the news scares her.  She has expressed fear that they are coming for her and she’s not safe.  She always watched the news before and in the early stages of dementia. 

I wonder if your LO will get to a point where she no longer tolerates the violence. 

*Ollie*

So many good points.

I hope she gets to the point where she's not interested in true crime anymore.  It doesn't scare her.  She finds it fascinating - how the crimes are solved as well as how horrible people can be.  Not my cup of tea but it sounds like the best course of action at this point is to let her be.  

Has anyone had any luck reteaching their LO social skills?  I'm thinking about the social stories used in schools to help teach kids with autism.   This aspect of dementia is currently my biggest challenge.   Reminding myself that she can't help it is useful but it is still very hard to witness.  

As I'm getting to know my mom in this new state of being (I didn't realize how much she had declined), I certainly see how anticipating potential issues is the way to go.    

ladyzetta

When my DH was home with dementia, he loved westerns. I kept the TV on all day so he could watch his westerns, why would I not want something to keep his mind occupied? When I had to place him in MC I knew he would not want to play the games with the balloons and bouncy balls, they were fun games for many of the residents but not him, so I made sure his TV was on in his room to the western channel. He was content and I was content knowing he had his westerns to watch.

I am also a true crime watcher, and please I hope my family would never put my TV on anything else. And I know they would not.  Even if I see the same things over and over I think things like that would keep a person comfortable.  Do what you can do to keep your LO comfortable.  Hope this helps. 

ladyzetta

Dear Ollie,

She is 80 years old I don't think you will be able to change her social skills. Just let her watch what she wants and keep her comfortable. 

*Ollie*

Great to hear your perspective, Ladyzetta.   We are definitely keeping her comfortable, warm, safe and well fed.   It doesn't feel enough somehow.  We feel like we should be doing more to help her be the best version of herself that she can at this time.  Then we are reminded that she is 80 years old and the odds of changing anything about what she does are slim to none.  Looks like true crime is the winner here.

Stuck in the middle

*Ollie* wrote:

   It doesn't feel enough somehow.  We feel like we should be doing more to help her be the best version of herself that she can at this time.  

I hear that.  I hate it that my wife can no longer follow the stories on Masterpiece and Mystery, and that she can no longer tutor children who read poorly.  Nothing I can do about it.

There came a time when my mother was happy holding my hand and looking out the window.  She couldn't form a sentence and couldn't hear, so there was no conversation, but we took what we could get.

Caretaking, like politics, is an exercise of the possible.

ladyzetta

Ollie.... You are doing the best you can you're caring for her and are concerned for her. Please don't think any different. I had to place my DH in MC he was 90 years old, I felt really bad I knew I did the best for him, but it never seems like enough. Please continue reading and learning from all these wonderful post from people who have been there and done that. It has been very helpful for me. Hugs Zetta