I moved my husband into Memory Care...

Sheila Dalton

And I naively thought that would be the hardest part!  I moved him 8 months ago.  My biggest challenge is letting go of the dozen little things about the facility that drive me crazy.  

I see that generally he is doing fine.  Shouldn't that be enough?  I think when I poke my nose into the details of how the place operates it's out of a need to be needed.  His need for me was greatly altered when I moved him.  

So.  Anyone else struggling with this?

Marie58

Sheila, welcome to the forum. You found a great place for support, learning and sharing your experiences.

My DH has been in MC for about 16 months now. I think I know what you mean. I moved him in knowing they wouldn't do things the same way I did things at home and I knew he wouldn't get one on one care either. That's just the reality of it. They have their routines that DH (and I) had to adjust to. So I think some of it was my attitude that I went into his placement with, and understanding that things will be different. If they're little things, sometimes we just have to let it go. Having said that though, there have been a few things that haven't been little things to me and I wasn't going to just look the other way. Fortunately, every time I brought something up, it has been addressed and things changed. I think you have to decide what can slide and what can't and then address it with thankfulness for all they do and with respect in your request.

Blessings!

June45

Marie, you have given very good advice...something I need to remember as I try to get up the courage to place my husband knowing that things will be different for him.  In reality the only way a loved one will get one-on-one care in a facility is if you are extremely wealthy and can hire an extra caregiver. But I would say that most of us are in the 99+- percentile who can't.

sunshine5

I would like to know how people afford the Mc expenses! Here in Va the cost is enormous, like $10,000. Per month, no way I could afford that if there comes a time when DH needs it. He is in early stages dementia  now. 

Sometimes it feels like I am standing at the bottom of the mountain and I have a long climb up. I get frustrated at times already with his daily behavior!

Beachfan

Welcome, Shelia! 

I agree with Marie.  My DH has only been in MC for 6 weeks and although I am not “struggling” with the subtle changes between my care for him and their care for him, I can empathize with you 100%.  We dropped DH off on a Friday and one week later, my daughter-in-law and I visited for the first time.  My daughter-in-law wigged out to find his bed unmade, his clothing in disarray in his drawers, slippers on his feet, and he was wearing Depends and needed a shave.  I had to talk her in off the ledge and do a complete 360 where my own thought processes were concerned.   I considered him “continent” prior to admission without totally realizing that I had never left his side for several years so he never had the opportunity to be incontinent.  

With each visit, as the staff got to know him and he settled in, I became  less anxious and more accepting of their methods and am able to let go.  As June pointed out,  one-to-one care in a facility is not sustainable under normal circumstances.  I know he is clean, well fed and well cared for.  I visit him at least once a week; sadly, he does not know me and there is little meaningful interaction between us.  I chatter away while I re-arrange clothing in his drawers and closet (I’m a little OCD in that department), he is clean shaven or I give him a once over with an electric shaver, I help him eat lunch and walk him a few laps around his cottage.  I understand the need for Depends as he is only “continent” as long as someone is constantly monitoring him. It’s been a learning curve, but fortunately there have been no issues, minor or otherwise. 

The biggest change has been for me.  I am spending quality time with family, especially the grandkids; I am able to relax and go places and do things without the constant underlying worry I had for so many years.  It’s not the carefree retirement we had planned and the monthly bill is an eye opener, but the kids helped me understand that continuing on as DH’s sole caregiver was not going to end well.  I miss him but with each day, I realize that I made the right decision for both of us.  Good luck, poke your nose into the day-to-day operations, but pick your battles.  

Sheila Dalton

Thank you all for your input.  I suspect that everyone with a loved one in a facility has something about which to complain.  

I’m keeping pretty busy, exercising daily, seeing friends when I can.  I guess except for my cranky attitude I’m doing well!  

Lorita

Hi Sheila,

 I can empathize with your concerns.  I was lucky enough to be able to keep Charles at home but did have to place both of my parents.  It was hard to see the little things that didn't always get done.  Daddy was just down the hill from the hospital where I worked so I could drop in either before or after work and at noon.  I always went at different times.  I got to know the personnel and that made a big difference.  That's something you might try and also visit at different times.

 I had complaints that were dealt with but the last straw was when they lost the foot pieces for daddy's wheelchair.  I moved him to another NH in town (these were nursing homes, not memory care).  This was a home where Charles had been for a short time and where my mother was when she passed away.  I did the same thing there as at the other home. 

 They'll never be cared for exactly the way we cared for them - there's just too many patients and too few personnel.  Placement is a hard thing for us and for them.  When my sister was in MC I didn't have the opportunity to visit her but her granddaughter and her husband did and they seemed satisfied with her care.  Good luck to you - I know it isn't easy.

Bill_2001

Sunshine5 - I ask the same question about cost, and rarely get a response. It is a mystery to me how so many people discuss placement, with nary a mention of the ridiculous cost.

I am past the six year mark with caregiving, and have been at my wits end more times than I can remember. Each time I consider placement, I envision the invoice every month, and make the snap decision to soldier on myself.

One would think that at 10 grand a month, the ratio of caregivers/patients would be close to 1:1, or at least 1:2. But it seems to be more like 1:8 or even 1:12. Sheesh. At 1:8, do these places really need eighty thousand dollars every month (one million dollars a year) to meet expenses taking care of 8 people? Seems like a cash cow to me.

And for personal reasons, I am not even considering Medicaid. "Last resort" is an understatement. Sorry, but I do not need the state micromanaging my retirement savings. As I have always said, I don't need the government to help me go broke. I can manage that on my own with this god-awful disease.

No one can plan for this horrible ordeal. As you have discovered, Medicare (which we have paid into our entire working lives) is useless for dementia care. Surprise!