Another sensitive subject

Paris20

My husband was diagnosed with AD in 2015. In addition to the loss of all short term memory, repetition of comments or questions, and inability to follow any program or movie on TV, are the rages. The sundowning can become so vicious, hurtful, and out-of-control that it’s scary. It also enrages me to be treated so badly, even though I don’t express my anger because I know it’s the AD talking and not the man I married.

Nevertheless, the rages have created an additional problem. When he’s calm and relaxed, my husband becomes affectionate. He wants kisses and hugs and sometimes more. I cannot respond as I used to. I pretend all is well and give him a kiss and a hug, no more than that, but even doing that fills me with anger. Is it because of what he has become or what I have become? I’m OK with the fiblets and the atmosphere that I’m trying to create for him at home but I hate what I’m feeling…resentment, guilt, hypocrisy. Have any of you dealt with this? How? I love the man my husband used to be but that man is gone.

Buggsroo

Hi Paris,

I can really relate to your post. One fight I had with my husband, he called me a douchebag, honestly, I saw red big time. Then a few minutes later comes the ‘I love you’. I can’t make the mental jump because I am still angry from the insults. I just keep my voice neutral as much as I can and remind myself that he is mentally ill.

However, that said, my feelings have really changed. Sadly they are bound to. If you are being abused and insulted, you can’t feel too good towards the person doing the abuse, human nature I guess. One has to protect themselves. I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I understand your feelings/ambivalence towards your husband.

Whyzit

Dear Paris, I understand because the same thing has happened with my feelings towards my DH. He went through a long angry period where he wanted a divorce and said hurtful things. Fortunately the anger has passed at least for now. Now he tells me daily how much he loves me. Unfortunately I have become numb to his comments. I don’t trust him anymore. I’m anxious that the other shoe will drop and the anger will return. We live in a senior condo complex and the women think DH is sweet and that I am so lucky to still have my husband. We didn’t live here when he was so angry. At age 80 with 57 years of marriage  and 11 years of dealing with Alzheimer’s behind me, I wish my feelings were different than they are. So sad for all of us who have “lost that lovin feeling”. Hmmm I think that is a line from an old song.

Best wishes to you during this struggle.

Joydean

Hi Paris, I can sooo relate to this. My husband had been in a really bad accident years ago, head injury with a lot of broken bones in most of his body. I stayed in the hospital for over a month with him. Did everything taking care of him for over 3 years. Ended up having to leave my career that I worked so hard to achieve. He became very mean and so very hateful. He did get better but those feelings were still with me. Fast forward to the past 4 years, I knew something was not right with him, finally he was tested and Alzheimer’s. He understands he needs me to take care of him. If I get sick, his main concern is who will take care of him. All about him. And yes there are times he wants more than a hug or a kiss! There is just no way I could ever do what he wants! It is my body and my heart that I have to guard. As he once told me, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore.” That’s the way I now feel.

Crushed

As DW got psychotic she would rage at wall decorations, Kitchen appliances and pieces of furniture. If she was uncomfortable she could be resistant .   But to people she was the same kind gentle soul she had always been. She liked affection and for a long time sex or sexual contact even after she lost speech.  But there came a day when she seemed  confused and no longer recognized me.  Summer of 2018.   

DrinaJGB

Going on 12 years now no intimacy. Just a goodnight kiss.

  Frankly, I cannot imagine now being intimate with someone I have cared for and done absolutely everything for who has no insight into what his disease has done to our relationship, and who has changed so profoundly from the man I married over 40 years ago.

  I fear it would feel rather incestuous.