Mom hating me and Nursing Home

Rodrigo

My mom is 62, was diagnosed with Alzheimer recently, and I've been struggling dealing with her for the last 2 years. I never thought that her problems was from alzheimer because of her early age, but the moment she just couldn't turn on the TV or go to the bathroom properly I had a doctor see her, and than was the time the bad news came. 

I am 24 years old, have to live my life and the constant worries of my mom not eating properly, nor even answering her phone as I tried to check if she was ok, made me feel stressed everyday. Seeing that I just wasn't good enough to take care of her, I sought help and now she is in a nursing home near me. I go there everyday and at first it was a blast, she said she was loving the place and the company of the other residents (at home with just me, she often spent her time looking to the ground, literally) . But now she is paranoid, thinking everyone is against her, and that I put her there because I don't love her. 

I know that it's probably the disease speaking, and that I should probably talk to the doctor to maybe change or adjust the medication, but it breaks my heart every time I go there, and she just get angry at me for "abandoning" her, and I always wonder "am I doing the right thing?", "is this the best for her?"

Is there a moment where she is going to get used to the place she is in? Or is she going to complain and hate me for the rest of her life?

Unknown By Man

I cannot speak for the nursing home, I am currently looking for placement for my mom. Though just the mere suggestion does lead to my mom calling me a horrible son and that she hates me. 

My therapist has told me that this reaction is normal for the progression of A/D when it comes to asking questions so I can only assume your mother's reactions are also normal for someone with A/D. That said I have been told that as time goes on many do find their placement to be comfortable and becomes their home. It is just about making them as comfortable as possible.

I was told when that happens at that point you can go back to being the child instead of parent and enjoy each other's company once again without stress.

This is at the very least what I have been told to expect when I find placement placement.

Rodrigo

Thank you for the reply that meant a lot! I always doubt my decision, but the fact that there are qualified personal taking care of her all day makes me feel relieved, and that by itself is really worth it.

Quilting brings calm

This is normal.  My step dad hates the assisted living facility.  He refuses to believe they need to be there. There is nothing wrong with the place,  it’s very nice and the staff care about their residents. They are safe and secure there.  My parents doctor told me to stop worrying about them being happy or unhappy.  Nothing is going to make them happy.  It doesn’t matter where they live. At this point, our responsibility is to make sure they are safe and cared for.  Without destroying our own lives. That advice came straight from their doctor.

Rodrigo

Yes, same with the place my mom is in right now. Staff always smiling and being nice with her, and even when they are being nice she thinks they are mocking here, because deep down she doesn't understand clearly what's going on. It's a very sad disease and it takes a lot of patience for us that are their family.

Wilted Daughter

When my mom was hospitalized and discharged to short-time rehab. I was the enemy...but it had to be done. She complained about almost everything, which I was told was normal. When she came home all she talked about was the hospital/short-term care (they gave me snacks, etc.) 

I'm planning placement for respite, she's not going to like it but again it needs to be done (I need a break). I feel that just like before she will adapt, she's not alone, and will be safe, clean and feed. We all have to do what is in the best interest of everyone involved. 

Emily 123

It's not at all a case of your not being good enough to care for her, but it's a 24/7 job and you're just one person, who needs to be moving down your own life track.  If your mom wasn't affected by the disease I'm sure that's what she'd tell you as well.   Definitely talk with the administrators and her provider to make them aware--maybe they can step up her engagement in some activities if she's up for it, and/or adjust her meds if the paranoia is stressing her out. Part of the disease is often an inability to recognize that the losses of dementia are occurring, and the person thinks they can still able to live independently and don't 'belong' in a care facility. 

She can't remember all the kind things you've been doing for her--maybe put up a some reminders that she can see?  A big valentine or poster?   I was lucky in that my mom wanted to have her own place, so she wanted to move, but even then it took her about 3 months to kind of settle in enough to get a routine and have things start looking familiar to her. Remember that without a working memory everything's going to seem new to her, every day, for quite a while. It really stinks to be on the receiving end of a conversation loop when the person with dementia isn't happy with you.   Don't beat yourself up, and reduce the visits if it's stressing you both out.  It's ok.

Carmella Lee

I can relate. My mom made me her durable power of attorney back in May of this year, but we did not get the diagnosis of early onset Dementia until late August. She knew something wasn’t right and started making a list of her personal items and who to give them to.

After she called 911, she was admitted to the hospital and began accusing the staff of trying to poison her food. She even took a swing at the doctor and it was that which prompted further testing. Ultimately we had two options…in home care or 24/7 care at a facility which specializes in memory loss. I opted for the later but for weeks second guessed myself.

Some days when I visit she is great. Like you have experienced initially she enjoyed it, but after two weeks she began accusing me of tricking her. The last four visits she turned me away and she always hangs up when anyone tries to call her. 

Feels like I’m the parent now. Although she may not understand I know she is better off there than home alone where she could hurt herself or others. Doing the right thing is not always easy but when you love someone you have to make tough decisions on their behalf.

Thanks for sharing. Praying for God to give you strength.

nikopapp

I am going through the exact same thing currently.

It's been 5 months now since I placed her at the home, and she is getting worse about wanting to go home and leave.

My stepfather can't even go to visit her over the last couple of weeks, for fear she will try to hurt him if he goes there (he is disabled and she has been physical with him in the past.)

All she does is complain now that "people are stealing her stuff" and that she just needs to get a few things from the house and the store and wants to get out.

She tells me she doesn't want me to talk to stepfather, and tells him she doesn't want him to talk to me (we are her only immediate family that is around).

Always thinks we are colluding against her.

So we both have been backing off from her a bit, because we just don't have any other options at the moment.

You can't reason with them, and every time we talk it's a battle.

Sucks.