Today it became clear, I need to place her in MC

billS

An event today made clear the need to place my wife in memory care sooner rather than later. Her walking out the gate and wandering up the road I solved by keeping it locked whenever she is out of my sight. Her turning on stove burners I solved by removing the knobs whenever I am not cooking. Her night time urinary incontinence I am dealing with via incontinence underwear. Her night time wandering and waking me is difficult but some nights are not so bad. So I've been struggling with the question of when to place her - can't I deal with this? Can't I be more patient? Am I wanting to place her just for my own convenience? How much stress on my part is justified? 

Anyway, today she set a cardboard box on top of the wood stove, right after I had stoked it up with a roaring fire easily visible through the glass stove door. Luckily I was inside and smelled smoke before it burst into flames. Suddenly it is clear to me that I have to place her for safety reasons. I had already chosen a place I like, paid a deposit and started the paperwork, but have been second guessing myself as to when is the right time to pull the trigger. Now I see the time is here and I will likely do it in the next few weeks. This has eased the burden of uncertainty but brought forward the heartache of this dreaded milestone of placement in this sad journey that is dementia caregiving. Here's hoping the transition goes smoothly.

ButterflyWings

OMG billS - I am so glad you all are OK! That sounds like a close one and yes, it sounds like the clearest wake up call one can imagine.  

This disease leads to such super scary times - that's why we are truly "line of sight" caregivers when it gets to this stage. And not everyone can do that without the rest of their life and livelihood falling by the wayside. I understand exactly what you are dealing with.

It feels like we don't have any "good" choices on this journey, because even when we do the next right thing, it still hurts so much. But we have to focus on the positives in every situation and I will say, what a life-saving blessing that you discovered that in time! 

It sure sounds like your decision and planning are just in time. Even though you are dreading the next steps, you can do it. There are so many here who have been where you are, and are healing and moving forward. Wishing you well. Be safe.

Ed1937

I'm sorry the time has come for you, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Nobody can watch every move they make, and it has become dangerous for both of you. Having a place already picked out will take some of the stress away. Don't forget that we're here for you anytime.

Lp57$

Bills, I feel your pain. I think you have commented on my situation and gave me some encouragement that it is time for me to do the same. Last night my DH ran across the road to the neighbors house just like a kid and me trying to chase him he started trying to lift the car hood on the man car because he knew he had car trouble and he used to could help with stuff like that. So since he has been doing stuff like that I know now it is time for me to make the adjustments. I wish you the best and hope everything goes well.

jfkoc

While it is not the choice we want to make as the result of a journey we do not want to be on it can become clear that it is the right one.,,,the best one.

"Now you go forward with the most positive attitude you can muster" said Pollyanna.

Marie58

Such a hard decision to make, but it sounds like the right one. Blessings as you move forward with this.

Ray94903

So sorry that the time has finally arrived. Do you or others have any suggestions as to how to persuade the person to move? How is that going to happen?

billS

Ray94903 wrote:

So sorry that the time has finally arrived. Do you or others have any suggestions as to how to persuade the person to move? How is that going to happen?

Hello Ray, I have asked that exact question in another thread here, and also asked the director of the MC facility that I have chosen. It seems that when the person is probably not onboard with placement a convenient lie can be told, such as "I have to have an operation and will be hospitalized for a couple of weeks, so I've found this great place with good food and friends where you can stay." Or make up some story about the house needing repairs that will take a few weeks. I'm still pondering what my story will be.

Joe C.

Bill, I certainly know how difficult you decision is and hope for the best during this transition. My thoughts are with you.

loveskitties

Dear Bill,

I am so glad that you and your DW are ok, and can imagine the scare it gave you.

I hope that the transition to another place will go smoothly for you both.

Arrowhead

When it comes time to put my wife in MC, I pray that it will be as clear to me as it was to you. Thank you for sharing.

billS

Arrowhead wrote:

When it comes time to put my wife in MC, I pray that it will be as clear to me as it was to you. Thank you for sharing.

And if I was not already sure of the timing, today underlined it further. First she set a plastic dental floss dispenser down on the hot wood stove. Luckily I saw it before it melted. OK, no big deal. Then a nice neighbor came over to entertain my wife and give me some respite. I suggested they make a batch of muffins. And like a fool I turned on the oven to preheat without first checking inside. The friend went outside and found me and said the oven is smoking and smells bad. Uh oh, I ran into the house to find my wife had put a LARGE plastic cutting board and a dish towel in the oven. (No wonder I could not find the cutting board this morning). Melted plastic was dripping down on the lower racks and oven bottom, and acrid smoke filled the house. I'm just not able to keep up with all the possible disaster scenarios.

Ray94903

Hi Bill, thanks for the response. We're still a way from coming to moving to MC but it's good to know.  Of course, lining up a place that has an opening (especially in the SF Bay Area) and timing the move will be a whole other logistics challenge.  Thanks again and good luck. - Ray