Navigating unchartered territory with dementia Mom

Grauntiebb

I am the youngest in my family, also unmarried, and in a job (self-employed) that could be done anywhere. So when my parents got older, my dad and I talked, and I moved back to their community. COVID-19 hit and my work from home job seemed perfect. 

We love our lives, and live simply and basically, though we have other family, it is just us. But we are good. We have hobbies, we do, and we believe in God.

Dad is 88, and he is in good shape. Mom ... I love my mom ... there are days when dementia just makes me want to lock myself in a closet or send her to her room ... she can be very sweet and very obstinate. 

There are days that I forget, and I argue back with her. There are days that my patience is thin. My dad has been overseeing the remodeling of our old home for sale, so he has not been home a lot during the day. It seems like she is more aggravated when he is gone. We have good minutes, then it is like Boom. And I don't help matters.

I get a little bossy with her, and try to correct her - not so I am right, it is like maybe I am trying to fix her, make her back to who she used to be. I know she can't help this. And I feel really rotten when I do fuss, but sometimes that is the only way she will listen. I would never hit or get that angry with my mom or anyone. 

I feel so guilty. Dad said, if we look at it as this is not hard, just different and give it to God, and put self away, it works - it being the caregiving. He is right, but also I think God told us life wouldn't be easy and it is through the hard stuff that we learn and grow more dependent on Him. (Sorry, not trying to preach) I apologize a lot. But she has already forgotten. I feel sorry for her because I know her mind is just so unsettled and she used to be a woman who had it all together. I think when all this started happening we had some other stuff going on, and everything came down in one full swoop. Instead of dealing with it, crying, etc, and talking it through, I decided I had to be the strong one, and then BOOM i crashed, and now I am back here, and there is a reason, i am sure. I am blessed to be here though. 

My siblings all live away, my aunts live away. They do the minimal, and that is OK. We all love each other. IT is just unchartered territory. I am a writer so I write, and I quit writing but now I think  iam going to start writing this story.  Anyway...

Anyone else?? 

Grauntiebb

I have anxiety issues as a result of just stuff, and I have thyroid disease. I only take my thyroid medicines and I do exercises. I am overweight, but a healthy overweight. I quit caffiene recently and most sweets - will drink a Spirte though. 

Saying all that to say, I know the things we need to do for self care and I try them. But what I do not know is how to steer this boat to help be the best caregiver I need to be - just being here is all i know to do.

Emily 123

You can only do what you can do, right?  You're handling this with a lot more grace than I did.  I struggled a lot to be more accepting of who my mom is in the moment. It was hard for me to do when she was living here with me--she resented the 'switch' in our relationship, I was working 50 hour weeks after coming back from being furloughed. I'd go to bed and feel my heart pounding out of my chest, I was so stressed.  I feel like I could have written this...''I get a little bossy with her, and try to correct her - not so I am right, it is like maybe I am trying to fix her, make her back to who she used to be. I know she can't help this. And I feel really rotten when I do fuss, ''

RanchersWife

Grauntiebb,

Your dad is wise! The right attitude can get you a long way down this road. You and your dad will come to rely on each other. I started this caregiving journey with a good attitude and a trust in the blessings we would receive for what we do. My husband and I care for his mother. We still trust God but we are weary. We are almost 4 years into this and she’s started falling regularly. We are nearing the end. We have two sayings. “It is what it is.” And “No regrets.” 

Rely on your Dad and be there for him too. Appreciate each other. Often our LO doesn’t appreciate us. Having someone who does helps. Trust in God and keep the good attitude. 

De nice

My mother lives with my husband and I. She moved in prior to a vascular dementia diagnosis. I also have a difficult time remembering that she can’t help things. I also want to fix her or challenge her forcing her recall. It has now been a year since diagnosis and I see my mom slipping further and further away. It is very difficult for me because my life has always been my mom and I. I am an only child with no relatives around. I have obtained health care POA. I know there is a lot I probably need to do but I don’t know where to get started.