placement doubts

June45

There are so many threads about loved ones who have recently been placed and those caregivers who are considering placement in the near future. I am placing my husband mid January and my emotions are all over the place.

After signing the contract for placement, but before placement, did any of you caregivers experience serious "buyer's remorse".  Did you have doubts about your decision, worry about loved one's care, feelings of profound sadness, etc, etc?  Did you want to pick up the phone and cancel the contract (several times a day)?

terei

You are doing something FOR your LO, not TO your LO.   Step back + analyze why you 

made the decision in the first place. Make a list of why this needs to be done for him as well

as YOURSELF.

Remember this is not an irreversible decision.  If, after a few months, it did not work out for

you, there is no reason why you cannot bring your H home again.  Quit questioning yourself + 

start planning how you will be a wife again instead of a caretaker

Beachfan

Hi June,

I’m pretty sure you’ve read my posts as you have commented occasionally.  That being said, as week 7 of placement approaches (tomorrow), maybe I can offer some comfort.  I ditzed around a long time before actual placement. I considered 10 day respite, 30 day respite, used COVID as an excuse and since DH was such a (seemingly) “easy” patient, I couldn’t justify the expense.  I don’t know which straw broke the camel’s back, but in one week’s time I went from plans for respite to permanent placement.  There was a good deal of pressure exerted by the kids as well as support and encouragement. 

Upon my first visit, one week in, I found him seated on his bed, half dressed in a tee shirt and Depends, in need of a shave, and his dresser drawers in disarray.   I was a little shaken, mainly because he never used Depends at home, was always up and fully dressed and fed by 10 AM and was always clean shaven and spiffy.  My initial thought was, “I’m paying for this!!! He was better off at home!”  A sweet caregiver, when I inquired about the Depends, said, “Of course you always kept him perfect. You anticipated every need and pre-empted any issues!”  Then she added, “And I bet that’s all you did, all day long!”  Truer words were never spoken.  

As the weeks pass, I can see that he is well cared for, clean, well fed, and well loved by the staff.  If he sleeps late, so be it; he gets a shave later in the day.  He will use the toilet with full physical assistance; in between, the Depends are a safety net.  He doesn’t know me, doesn’t seem to miss me, seems content to sit quietly between activities as he did at home, and paces and chatters during his late afternoon “sundowning “ time.  He is there; I am here. 

I would encourage you to proceed with placement as planned.  You can always rescind your decision.  I am more at peace as each day passes. I no longer worry about him all day long, although my heart aches with what might have been.  I am happier, the kids and grandkids are happier; he is safe and life goes on.  I’m thinking of you.  Stay strong.  

Tfreedz

Beachfan,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! I’m sure I’m not the only one that felt better after reading your experience with placement. It’s such a hard and personal decision and the excessive guilt is soul crushing. Hearing a mostly positive outcome helps push me over the edge towards placing my mom. Hope things continue to go well for you and your loved ones new environment!

June45

Thanks Beachfan, I have indeed been keeping up with your husband's placement. My husband is also a relatively easy Alz patient to care for compared to many on this forum. But that said, it is still a lot of work, back breaking at times...and the isolation is bad.  My main decision to place him is the lack of sleep, night after night. (Now I understand how preventing someone to sleep is a torture technique.) Even on the rare nights that he sleeps through the night, I am on high alert and I don't sleep well in anticipation of his getting up. We have tried meds, but they didn't work and one even made it worse. The other thing that haunts me is that he knows me and is always thanking me for everything I do for him.  That is the part that is breaking my heart. Thanks for the support!

And terei, what you say is true.  But my heart keeps arguing with my mind.  And like you and Beachfan said, I can always bring him back home.

June45

Tfreedz wrote:

Beachfan,

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! I’m sure I’m not the only one that felt better after reading your experience with placement. It’s such a hard and personal decision and the excessive guilt is soul crushing. Hearing a mostly positive outcome helps push me over the edge towards placing my mom. Hope things continue to go well for you and your loved ones new environment!

I agree!

Ernie123

June: In addition to the comments above I would suggest you distinguish between your emotional thoughts, which can be overwhelming, and your rational decision about the need for placement. Today marks the beginning of my DW’s third year in care. I remember vividly the stress and anguish I endured at the time of her move. My brain was a snow globe.  But in my rational brain I understood it was best for us both  as I could no longer provide the care she needed on my own. My experience was the move was far harder for me than for her. In many ways it still is as living alone still feels strange and I grieve the loss of our close marriage companionship as we mark our 54th anniversary this weekend. So I see your doubts, guilt, sadness and confusion as normal and indeed expected given the impending transition you face. But I also expect you will find your way through the next few months and refocus your life away from 24/7 caregiving. I wish you the strength and courage you need. Please let us know how things go. You will always find understanding and support here.

June45

Ernie123 wrote:

June: In addition to the comments above I would suggest you distinguish between your emotional thoughts, which can be overwhelming, and your rational decision about the need for placement. 

 

Thanks Ernie, great advice!!  And your brain being a snow globe is a good way to express all the colliding emotions. Thanks for sharing your experience.  I hate what this disease does to us.

Jo C.

There has been much good input from those who have had such an experience.  Ernie's Post illuminates the difference between logic and emotion which each live on a different plane of existence, but manage to tap dance in our heads when making such a decision.

A valuable piece of advice came to me from another Member here; instead of thinking of myslf in terms of "guilt," change that from guilt to, "regret."  It really helped; and it was indeed deep, deep regret.

May you soon find acceptance and peace in your necessary decision.

J.

Ed1937

June, my wife is still at home, but what you describe is exactly how I think I will feel if that time comes for us before something else gets us. I'm sorry it's so darn hard.

billS

June I am in exactly the same place. Placement is looming, I've filled out the paperwork and started ordering extra clothes and furniture for her room in the facility. All my friends and family tell me it is the right thing to do for both of us. This evening I am exhausted and irritated as usual from another day of having to deal with my wife's demented mumbling, shadowing, moving things around, all made worse by her night time wandering leaving me sleep deprived. 

But there are the times the sweet smiling woman I married shines through. She has been endangering both our lives lately with cook stove and wood stove near-fires, so I know placement is necessary. I will do it, it won't be easy, but I look forward to less stress and better sleep knowing my wife is now safe, well fed and in a more stimulating environment than I can provide.

June45

Thanks billS for sharing your experience.  This morning I am feeling more positive about my decision to place. I had another night where I had only 2 hours sleep. (Most of the time I can get around 4 hours).  Last night, my husband got up 5 times between 12:30 am and 5:30 am. His constant popping out of bed was like a kid playing with his  jack-in-the-box all night long.  (What an irritating toy!)

And thanks to all the others who posted.