Advice for getting started

LauraM18

My MIL is starting to get worse. Not diagnosed yet but anyone who spends more than 20 minutes around her is seriously alarmed. We live in the same building & my husband has been handling her care so far but I need to step in and help him soon so he doesn't go crazy. He is already fielding a lot of verbal abuse from her in email & texts that I have only recently found out about and it is taking a toll on him. She is also starting to overfeed her dog because she can't remember if she has already eaten.

I just can't bring myself to step in. I already have a lot of resentment & I am angry and frustrated at every interaction I have with her, she is in a state where she takes full credit for things she is not involved in & doesn't acknowledge anyone helping her (IE, it was because of her that my husband and I were able to buy a house (no, husband has been supporting her for years), her move back from the UK was 'remarkably simple' (one of the most stressful times in my husband's life, she just forgot he did everything for her). I logically know that she is incapable of seeing things as they actually are, but I can't convince my emotions with logic. I am irrationally angry but I can't get past my anger and be useful. Every time I talk to her I am stressed out. 

100% sure I am not the first person to have resentment issues, I could use advice from some of you on how you managed to work through it. Group counselling? Support groups? Mute buttons that work on humans? I know based on past similar situations that if I get involved with this level of resentment built up, it will take a big toll on my physical health. I need a way to get past it and just deal with her without triggering myself. Thanks in advance!

PickledCondiment

LauraM18- Welcome, please post often, we're here to help.  A huge Thank You and Congratulations for being honest about feelings toward your MIL, takes courage to admit caregiving isn't for you. There is not shame in that despite what society may try to tell you. 

I'm the primary caregiver for my 89 year old mother.  Caregiving is not my forte, I have to work at it daily.  However, I take good care of myself physically and mentally. The tasks I cannot do, I have someone else do.  Most importantly, I refuse to let anyone guilt trip me about any aspect of her care.  Yes, this stance does get me into hot water frequently, I simply ignore the criticism.

You're very accurate when mentioning the toll this will take on your health.  Not everyone (regardless of gender) is capable of caregiving for someone with dementia.  Perhaps counseling would help you clarify your thoughts and help your determine how best to support your husband. Caregiving is more than just caring for the individual, a team effort. 

There are many other tasks you could take on to help him care for his mother.  A quick sample:

-Research and create of lists of resources for the two of you to use: respite care, facilities, support groups.

- Do the shopping or other 'domestic' tasks, anything that will lighten the load for him. Ask your husband how you can help.

- If you're inclined, perhaps you could take over the care of the dog. Or if necessary find an organization to rehome the dog at some point in time. 

Again, you're not alone in this journey.  Breathe deeply and look for solutions.

jfkoc

The most impostant thing is to make certain that your mother is diagnosed following proper protocol. You can find lots about this online.

M1

welcome Laura.  I think you will find that this forum can help you a lot.  

You have a lot ahead of you, including getting her properly diagnosed and staged (see Tam Cummings stages of dementia, it will help you a lot in assessing her), and in getting legal and financial matters sorted (these are VERY important to do ASAP, especially durable power of attorney and POA for healthcare, as well as wills and financial planning).  The pet issues are much lower on the list--but let me tell you from personal experience with my animal-loving, stage 5 partner, that WILL be an ongoing issue.  You may need to either take over the feeding (and I mean removing the extra food from her home altogether) or rehome the dog.  Of course, that may need to happen anyway, if she gets to the point that it is not safe for her to live alone, and that is likely to come sooner than you think.

Read a lot of threads, read a lot in the solutions section, and post as much as you want/need.  Another frequent read for newbies is "understanding the dementia experience."  Many threads have a link to it but you can probably find it by googling it also.  Good luck.

LauraM18

Thanks everyone for your replies & great advice. Just writing this post helped me a lot, and I've been reading through some of the others in the Caregiver forum to start building up my knowledge.

JDancer

The things your MIL says may be lies to you, but they're her truth,. It's the disease talking. Try to get angry at dementia, not the person. It's hard. But the anger can take a toll.

Unknown By Man

In truth I do not think their is a way for a LO to get over caring for a person they are inherently annoyed or have resentment towards. I do not think that is something you should try to change. 

I care for my mother and my wide and mother do not get along at all. My wife does offer help and early on I accepted the help but I saw what he was doing to her. So I kindly asked her to not help, I know she was not a fan leaving me to handle everything alone but the reality is you cannot do what you cannot do. It is not weakness to attempt their is a task one cannot handle. 

Personally I would say from experience just being around does wonders though you can also be the voice of reason. If my wife did not tell me to choose her or my mother I currently would still be at home right now caring for my mother. If you feel the cargiving is taking a toll on your husband then speak up maybe do not go the extreme my wife did but voice your concerns for his wellbeing cause as a caregiver you often forget about yourself.

Lindsay22

You have already gotten much good advice and as you say, reading these boards will provide tons of useful info for you.  I just wanted to chime in on resentment and caregiving.  I can tell you that I spent about a year throwing what can only be called a recurrent adult temper tantrum about caring for my mother. Think whining and saying "I don't want to!" and "It's not fair!" Not my proudest moments by a long shot.  The thing is that just because someone gets sick (dementia, hit by a car, cancer whatever! ) your entire history and feelings about them don't change on a dime.  Am I obligated to her on some level because she is my mother, absolutely. Does that mean I have suddenly transformed into a sainted, selfless, caregiver? Nope.  We have a lot of history, I spent most of my young adult life trying to get out from under the dysfunctional, enmeshed, codependent bind of our relationship.  And now here I am literally changing her diapers, taking over her finances, rehoming her cat, and ultimately placing her in MC against her wishes. She is safe, and clean, and fed, and cared for.  I am doing the best I can even if the best I can do isn't what other's might do. Focus on the tasks (POA, safety, the dog, etc) and get done what needs to be done.

Iris L.

Read about anosognosia and confabulating.  PWDs will say outlandish things.  It helps if you don't take it personally.  My 95 yo relative told me she's twenty-five and can I help her find a job.  Nope, the virus has shut down all work!

Iris L.