Do you give your LO greeting cards?

Vitruvius

As the new year dawns I am coming up on a number of events that used to warrant giving cards, birthday, valentine’s, anniversary, etc. My DW however has past the point where she understands these events and last year when I gave her cards she didn’t really seem to know what to make of them.  She does “collect” greeting cards and rummage through them as objects, but rubber bands them together with say, Christmas cards we’ve received.  They are little different from her collections of other objects, like pens, magazines, or costume jewelry.

I’m not sure what would depress me the most. Having cards I give her treated this way or not giving her cards at all.

What do you do?

Joydean

This is just my opinion, if you have always given her cards and she has kept them, why stop now? It will make you feel good and who knows when one just might stand out to her! It might and it might not, but what will it hurt! You know it’s a birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversary and she doesn’t, but you still keep showing your love! My husband hasn’t remembered my birthday, our anniversary (52 years this year) in 3 years, but I still give him cards for his birthday and ect. He just holds them for a while! That’s enough!

Lynne D

My husband and I have both kept cards we’ve given one another over the years. I cull through each of our boxes and get out cards for the appropriate occasion and we look at them together.

Jeff86

There is no right answer to this good question—there’s just what each of us does.  

My DW no longer understands Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, New Year’s Eve, and so on.  And she can no longer read, even simple printed messages.  I still buy her gifts for these occasions, but I have given up the cards.

DW’s birthday was three days ago.  In the past, I would always give her a few birthday cards, including a couple of humorous ones that usually depend on puns.  Now, she wouldn’t understand them.  She couldn’t enjoy them, and doesn’t miss them…and it would pain me further to mark the loss.

You may well choose to continue the card-giving tradition, but know that you’re doing it for yourself.

Gig Harbor

If she enjoys sorting them and bundling them and it occupies her time give her 3 for each holiday. The type of enjoyment changes but if there is any there encourage it.

LadyTexan

Historically I showered DH with cards for most occasions, e.g., bday, valentines, Halloween, St. Patty's. It was fun for me to find the perfect card.

Now DH cannot open the envelope. DH cannot read the card. I give him fewer cards, reserved for the most special days: birthday, anniversary and Christmas. The cards are plain. What I write inside is simple. I read the card to him. He sometimes seems uninterested. I know that I do it for me, not for him. I want there to be some evidence of my expression of love for him, which I know sounds very very sad.

DrinaJGB

 Yes, I still give DH cards. He loves nature cards and I also give him a wildlife calendar each new year.

  This Christmas Eve we were at our daughter's and DH walked over to our granddaughter to give her something. It was an index card he had written Merry Christmas and her name and had colored it with many colors.It nearly made me cry.

  I did not even know he had been working on it. He used to give me hand made cards, and will still do that on my birthday and Valentine's Day.

Rescue mom

If she shows any sort of interest in them, and it’s easy for you, why not continue? If not, then don’t. It just depends on each person.

I used to be a big card-giver for DH, but now he doesn’t understand or comprehend them, doesn’t know what they “are” or mean. I just ended up throwing them away, or they increased the paper clutter. So now I don’t. 

Jo C.

When my LO was alive, I did give greeting cards even though there was no ability to realize a special day.   My LO for a time enjoyed seeing the colors of the cards and noticed the pictures on the cards even though there was no relevance as to who had provided them.  After placement, I continued to provide cards at intervals and encouraged family to send a card now and then. The colors gave a few seconds attention, and then I would place them on the bulletin board and taped them to the closet door.  I had not initially realized that it also seemed to make a subtle difference to the NH staff.  They often commented on how pretty some of the cards were, and I think in a way, it gave them grounding about my LO in that there was caring present and somehow, I do think that made small differences for my LO in the care and attention that was received.

I also decorated the room at the NH for each holiday and season.  Even when my LO no longer recognized me except as a friendly face and then later not at all, it made me feel still a presence for my LO.

When my mother developed dementia and it advanaced, (FTD), I communicated with her five sisters and her adult grandchildren and others by computer with occasional phone calls.   She was still able to know who everyone was and "birthday" still had relevance. When she had a very special birthday coming up, I let everyone know by computer of the approaching birthday and how she loved receiving cards; she did not get them often.   The polite reminder was several weeks before her birthday; then a week before, I lightly mentioned it again.  When the birthday had arrived - not a single card had come - not a single one. 

My poor mother.  What I did was to go to the Hallmark store and buy a stack of cards.  I signed each one from someone else in the family.  When I gave her the cards, she was SO delighted and kept looking and looking at them.  Didn't matter how they got there; what mattered was how she felt and the pleasure it gave her.

This reminds me how in earlier years on AlzConnected, about 2007 or 2008, the Membership was small.   We got to to know one another fairly well.  We decided to start a card sending group with cards for our LOs.  One very trustworthy person had a confidential list of addresses for those who wanted to belong to the group.  We sent cards to each others LOs.  It was a huge success.  Some of the LOs would wait each day for the mailman. One elderly lady with Alz's lived on a farm with her daughter and SIL. The daughter said each day, her mother would go outside and walk to the mailbox to see if the mail had come yet; her mother was happy as a lark whenever she got a card . . . . it was smile worthy - the elderly lady did not save the cards after she saw them; instead, she saved the empty envelopes carrying them with her in a plastic bag.  It did not matter; it was about the smiles and feelings.

Cards can carry a certain amount of meaning in a variety of ways not just for LOs but also for us.

J.

J.

White Crane

Yes, I still give my husband greeting cards...birthday, anniversary, Valentines Day.  He reads them and smiles.  Sometimes he keeps them beside his chair and looks at them over and over again.