Hard way to end the year

IDrive3

My sister moved to memory care yesterday.  We almost had to delay because we had covid scare.  Luckily, we got our results quicker than they predicted and were negative.  

2 friends had helped me move some stuff to her "apartment" earlier in the week.  On the spur of the moment, I asked one of them if she'd be able to come with me if I needed her to.  I thought I needed her to help lug stuff in from the car.  I really needed her because my sister was really angry that morning.  We had been talking about the move because of her awareness of what's happening, and her ability to read my face.  (Margie was a psychologist before diagnosis.  She worked at a residential facility and did the dementia training for the staff.)  She had been upset some other times, but not like yesterday.  She glared at me, said she was going to run away.  Our friend talked her into giving it a try.  Margie chose to ride with our friend instead of me, and barely spoke to me when we were at the facility, except to complain that there were too many things in the room.  We had hung a lot of her artwork, and other favorite pieces.  They were starting lunch when we left.  Another resident said, "Don't worry!  We'll take good care of her!"  Our friend and I came back and ate brownies for lunch.  (We restrained ourselves and didn't eat the entire pan.)

I felt a little better this morning.  I got an email from a support group friend whose husband lives in the same facility.  She saw Margie at the New Year's Eve party yesterday afternoon.  She was enjoying the music and talking to people.  I stopped by this morning.  She was happy to see me!  She said the first few days were rough, but it was getting better.  She also said we picked the right place.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring.  It's Margie's birthday.  I'm taking her to Mom's for lunch.

sandwichone123

It's great to hear a story with a happy ending! OK, we know it's not the final ending and there will be good days and bad days, but it sounds like she's settling in very nicely.

harshedbuzz

I Drive-

This is difficult stuff. As painful as it is to place a spouse or parent, I think there is a unique pain to making these kinds of decisions for a sibling. My own sister had a form of dementia in the last months before she died from complications of AIDS in the early 90s; in many respects it was harder for us than when dad developed dementia in his 70's. 

Early on, my dad was aware of some aspects of his cognitive shift and became quite wary, but overtime anosognosia set in and he became "easier" to be with as he wasn't constantly hypervigilant. With progression, dad reverted to happier times in his life mentally and believed himself a teacher again; I wonder if your sister will come to think of herself as "working" in the facility in time. It's a pretty common thing. One of the men in dad's "neighborhood" (a hall of 8-12 residents in the MCF) believed the dining area was his restaurant- he would lay tables, show residents to their seats, check on his "guests" and bus the tables at the end of the meal. There was a woman who'd comfort other women who were in distress; for a time; I believed she worked there as she was always beautifully groomed and work cute pantsuits. Nope, she'd be a psychiatric NP in her career. 

I know you didn't ask, but I can't not say something. I would not take your sister out of the facility until she's had a chance to settle in and come to consider it as her "home". (FTR, I didn't take dad out into the community until about 5 weeks after placement and I hired medical transport so I'd have a hand if he got any ideas about not going back to MC. Taking her out now would just give her the opportunity to become angry and uncooperative when it's time to return which could lead to you finishing the brownies.

HB

IDrive3

Thank you for your concern, Harshed Buzz.  After seeing your reply, I did ask our friend to be on standby, but went ahead as planned.  I wouldn't consider bringing her "home" so soon, but I had a hunch that it would be ok to take her to Mom's.  I think I mentioned in another post that Mom broke her hip in June and then had a pressure sore, and Margie and I spent 2 months visiting her nearly daily in the hospital and 2 rehabs.  That was followed by about 4 trips to Mom's apartment per week to do wound care for her (down to 1-2 trips at this time).  Margie was not able to tolerate long visits there, so I suspected that's not a place she'd choose to stay.

When I went to pick her up this morning, she was having coffee with a new friend in the dining room of the other neighborhood on her floor.  Lunch with Mom went fine.  Shortly after we finished our cake, she asked me when she was expected back.  Shortly after that we returned to MC.  She pretty much dismissed me after I helped with her coat.  She was happy to see us, and enjoyed the "party", but then she was done.  Hallelujah!

GothicGremlin

Hey there IDrive3 -- I'm glad things are going well for Margie (I love your new photo!) at memory care.  You never know how it's going to go, and I think you handled it well. Brownies are good insurance.  

I'm going to think good thoughts for her continued acclimatization to memory care.  One of my tricks to keep Peggy in a good mood is to bring her a favorite chocolate (Ritter Sport). If I see a potential meltdown, out comes the Ritter Sport.  Does Margie have any favorite treats like that?

IDrive3

Thanks, GothicGremlin!  Your photo made me think of this one.  It took me a while to have time to find it!  

I don't expect it to stay this way, but I'm so happy that she seems happy after how awful Friday was!  Margie does have a favorite treat - dark chocolate, the darker the better.  She has been know to eat my baking chocolate.  I got her some of the Deeper Dark Chocolate Dove squares (available only at Target).  Her friend got her some Ghiradelli squares that are 92% cacao.  She has them there, but will not overindulge like I will!  And now I have leftover birthday cake besides the brownies!  I've got to put some of that in the freezer.

Is Peggy still doing well?

GothicGremlin

It's definitely been a bit of a roller coaster, IDrive3. Peggy's doing pretty well, but then she remembers she can't have her cat in memory care, and the tears flow.  That, and sometimes she gets into an "everything sucks" mode, and it's hard to redirect her. So far those have been rare --  thankfully.  She's said to me a couple of times that she should have moved to memory care sooner.