Struggling with placement?

Ed1937

Here is a video that I think you will find helpful. Struggling with your decision to put your loved one in a dementia nursing home? Watch this

June45

Thanks Ed for posting the video. She makes many good points.  Fortunately one of the reasons why caregivers don't want to place their LO's is not even an issue for me -- I have absolutely no concern about what others will think of me for placing my husband. What would friends think?- What friends?  Neighbors? - They could care less what I do. And my family is amazed that I have been able to keep him home as long as I have. My sisters have already told me they would have already placed their husbands.  And strangely enough, guilt is at the bottom of my emotions.  But I do feel a profound sadness that it has come to this; anxiety about his care at the MC facility and worry that he will be happy or at least content.  He no longer recognizes our home of 30 yrs as being his home, so maybe it won't be a big adjustment for him.

Beachfan

Thanks, Ed!  Even though I am past the decision making process, the video was validating in many ways.  

And June, I am thinking of you often as your DH’s placement date looms.  Like you, I couldn’t care less what others thought of me.  I have heard nothing but encouragement, approval and good wishes from family, extended family, friends, neighbors and even passing acquaintances; that has been comforting.  I. too, worried about DH’s care at a MCF, and his “happiness”.  He is clean, well fed, well loved and content at 7 weeks in.  Those anxieties are behind me for the most part.  But the profound sadness lingers, not constant, but unexpectedly in the middle of the night or upon waking alone.   Each day gets a little better; I feel a little lighter.  I have a friend from childhood who I don’t get to see too often, but we’re still thick as thieves and chat and text regularly.  Soon after DH’s placement we were talking on the phone and she said, “I’m so sorry about DH, but you even sound 100% better.” I know I made the right decision at the right time. You will also.  Stay strong. 

June45

Thanks Beachfan for your encouraging words!

Joe C.

June, I had all the same concerns about how DW would adjust to placement, would be cared for, ect. Like your husband DW no longer recognizes our home and at times even me. When placement came DW transitioned like she had always been then and formed a friendship with another female resident. Yesterday when my stepdaughter went to visit she found DW and her friend “laughing & giggling like two little kids up to no good”. My stepdaughter was so happy to see her enjoying herself with her friend, This is the type of stimulation I could no longer provide at home. I wish you the best as you move forward with your placement decision.

June45

Thanks Joe for the good wishes.  I was wondering about how your wife was doing.  I know it is a big relief for you that she has adjusted so well and has a "partner in crime"!  I would love that for my husband. At least he will be around other people which I think will be good for him.

billS

Ed, thank you for that link. I had already watched it some months ago but as things have declined, books and videos like this are more relevant to my own situation than they were when my wife was at an earlier stage.

billS

The next Caregiver video is a great sequel and describes exactly where I am now, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfjARly-TsY

I've been anxious about how I will explain to my wife why I am moving her into memory care. This video has some great suggestions.

Ed1937

Bill, thank you. I have it bookmarked for later viewing. We need all the help we can get.

Tdrinker46

After researching facilities, I placed my DH of 56 years on November 30th.  He takes only seroquel 50.  Has no other health issues just Alzheimer's.  After 10 days he wandered into another patient's room (no one witnessed the encounter) but DH ended up with bent glasses, black eye, scratches on arms and legs, and a 2 inch abrasion on his arm.  I was called and assured it was all minor.  Visited on Monday and was shocked at his demeanor and black eye.  He tested negative for UTI.  During the next 10 days he had at least 3 instances where he wandered into female patients rooms (once he took off wet underwear and put in her closet, the other instances I have asked for reports but not received them).  On the anniversary of his third WEEK he was sent to hospital ER because of an altercation with an aide. Diagnosed with UTI. He has been in outpatient care in a hospital room for 2 weeks.  All this is so unlike him. He is the last person who would resort to violence much less expose himself to women.   

I spent 1 hour on phone with Alzheimer's care line.  I love him but can't watch him myself 24/7.The social worker at hospital is attempting to get him placed but when his history at MC is revealed he is declined.

Do I bring him home and just deal with it?  I can afford some in home care.  I am so tired of crying. I have an action plan from Alzheimer's to contact ombudsman (again) and will visit another facility tomorrow but it is so difficult to try to explain without crying.

Thanks for reading this. 

JJAz

TDrinker46,

My husband's decline was similar.  Nicest guy in the world became dangerous to be around.  Hospital stay and then MC wouldn't accept him.  I hired a Senior Placement Specialist and she found a facility that would work with us.  The specialist was amazing and knew all of the facilities and their strengths and weaknesses.  With the help of the MC group home (10 residents) we brought in a Geriatric Psychiatrist who continued to tweak his meds to keep him stabilized.  Good luck.