How to not feel

ElCy

I don’t know how to not be effected by my husband’s behavior. Rationally, I know it’s the disease but I get so deeply depressed.

Last night, I came home from work. He was watching TV. He wouldn’t say hello. I made myself dinner and brought it into the living room. When I placed my plate on the glass table it made a noise. He became enraged. He picked up my plate and threw it on the kitchen counter. He grabbed my arm while I was holding a wine glass and the wine flew all over the kitchen. We did t speak the rest of the night. 

The day before, he grabbed my arm so hard, it left a bruise.

I just get so sad by this type of behavior. I can’t sleep. I feel I’m starting to hate him as the man I love disappears.

loveskitties

You need to speak to his dr. about the situation and get him some meds to tamp down his aggression or you are likely to be hurt badly.

No matter how much you love the man he used to be, you cannot allow him to do you harm.

Call 911 if he hurts you again.

ButterflyWings

EICy, I am so sorry you are experiencing such an abusive and fear-inspiring change in your DH.This is very dangerous behavior. You need help to protect yourself— feelings and physically. 

Other members will be along soon with specific recommendations and I urge you to call the Alz hotline as well as an emergency call to his Dr today. How to feel? Urgency, and fearful enough to take clear steps to protect you ASAP while getting an intervention for your DH. And please keep your distance (out of reach) in the meantime. Are there any weapons in the house? They need to be disappeared immediately. 

Sending you a big hug. Yes, our LOs change. I don’t like the guy my DH has become as his disease progresses.  If physical abuse were involved I would not be his caregiver but others have found meds and a team to correct that challenge. Until then, watch your back, can you sleep in a locked room with a cell phone & charger? Maybe he should not be home all day alone (is he?) Many PWDs go through a phase of delusions that their spouse is cheating and become very angry. Or he could just be getting aggressive with you for no reason. Either way, it has to stop. Be safe most of all.  

PS. Take pictures of the bruises for your records, and to show the Dr. 

Paris20

I can identify. Awhile back, someone on the forum wrote that she wished death would come soon, to be rid of the suffering, her suffering not just her husband’s. I don’t think my husband is suffering very much. He is oblivious to what is happening to him. Anasognosia has its benefits. As for me, I gave in and allowed my doctor to prescribe an antidepressant for me. My husband’s rages are less frequent because he is on an anti-psychotic plus the antidepressant. These drugs have made all the difference in getting through each day without losing our minds.

M1

Second everything already said.  This is a red flag situation, you need to do something now before it escalates any further.  Keep that phone with you, know which door you would lock, and call the docs now.

Buggsroo

I concur with everyone’s advice here. You need a safe place you can go and wait out your husband’s moods. I would also look into getting some meds for him.

My dad was an alcoholic and he had to go into care. He wrestled with rage all his life. In talking with my mother, she told me he used to hit her early on in the marriage. When he was in care, the staff phoned my mother and asked for advice. Her answer was succinct: ‘Medicate him.’ They did and he became a different person.  Good luck to you. Be safe.

jfkoc

The sadness is easily understood and blamed on the disease but the most important thing for you to feel right now is fear. While your husband's behavior can be blamed on the disease you must acknowledge tha the behavior can easily get out of hand a become dangerous to you.

Please talk to his Dr and take every precaution.

Jo C.

ElCy; I am so deeply sorry for what has been happening.   Sadly, there is no way "how not to feel" about such behavior.  That the dementia drives the physical attacks may be a reason it happens, but it is not excusable nor is it to be tolerated.  It is not your fault; it is dangerous and you must act.

His dementia specialist needs to be contacted at once . . . no hesitation; you need to speak to the doctor or at least his licensed nurse rather than the receptionist. If  you cannot get an early appt., if the doctor has seen him recently, perhaps he will prescribe something for him. If the risk behavior persists, your husband may need admission to a GeriPsych Unit where he can be assessed on a 24 hour basis and meds adjusted. MOST IMPORTANT:  The here and now and your safety.

What has been written by the Members is very important.  This is a dangerous situation and can easily escalate.  First and most important is for you to protect yourself.  This will involve getting all guns out of the house without him seeing you do it if there are any in the house.  You will be best served by having knives and scissors locked away where he does not have easy access to them.  Also get rid of anything that is easily used as a weapon; hammers, wrenches, other tools; baseball bats, golf clubs, etc.  This may sound dramatic, but when a rage hits it can hit in a split second and the person will act on that raging seconds whim; and there is also the possibility of him planning and making a move without your knowing he is doing that.

If there is a room with a lock on the door, that would serve you best if you cannot get outside if you need to get away from him.  Keep your cellphone charged and on your person.  When sleeping, are you in a separate room or do you share one . . . . if in a separate room, do replace the door knob with a locking one if the present one cannot be locked.

If he is attacking in a rage, please get to your locked safe room and call 911.  Let them know he has dementia, is physically attacking you and if true, that there is no gun or other weapon involved.  This is not an embarrassment; it is a true need and common sense that will help the both of you before there are horrible consequences that could have been avoided if action had been taken.

You are just as important as your husband is; you deserve and need personal safety, do not feel you must somehow tolerate such abuse by trying "not to feel" undone by this.  That is not logical or acceptable.

The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 Hour Helpline that can be reached 365 days a year at (800) 272-3900; if you call ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant and let them know it is an urgent type of situation.  There are no fees for this service.   Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics.  They are  very kind and supportive, have much information and can often assist us with our problem solving.   (This number is NOT for calling when facing an immediate incident or threat; that is for the police department.)

It can sometimes be difficult to take much needed action when such behaviors begin to surface, it is no longer a wait and see situtation; it is in a mode of, do it now.

Please let us know how you are and how things are going; we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.

J.

mrl

He sounds distraught, ask PCP about Seroquel..

LadyTexan

ElCy, You have received good advice above. 

After DH was diagnosed, he became aggressive, threatening and verbally abusive on more than one occasion. It was very scary; I was shocked the first time it happened and probably didn't think very clearly.

This post includes several lessons I learned regarding safety. Please don't wait for a crisis to implement safety practices.

The overall lesson is I cannot care for a man that is a risk to my safety.

1. Think about safety and be safe. Safety comes first. 
2. ALWAYS keep your cell phone charged and within reach.
3. Don't hesitate to leave or call 911 in the event of an aggressive explosion that puts your safety at risk. 
4. Trust the people who have endured or are enduring this rugged path. They speak from experience  
5. When people offer to help, let them. 
6. Don’t expect the social services agencies or the police to meet your expectations. But do call on them for assistance  
7. Don’t isolate. Develop and maintain a supportive network.
8. Sleep when you can. 
9. Don’t delay in handling the legal matters.  
10. Decisions should be made based on logic, not emotion. 
11. Remove, hide or lock-up potential weapons. For example, get the guns and ammo out of the house. Get the hammers and box cutters out of the house. I have minimal knives in the kitchen.
12. Identify rooms in the house can be secured with a lock. Although both the bedroom and bathroom door in our home can be locked, my plan is to leave the house. 
13. I am prepared to leave my home without hesitation, and I will stay away from my home for as long as necessary even if it means sleeping in my car.
14. Consider keeping important documents and a “go bag” in the car or off premises. I keep copies of important documents stored with a loved one.
15. The phone numbers for the crisis response center and the women's resource center are programmed into my phone. 
16. I practice gratitude no matter how hopeless. For example, I am grateful for all of you. I am grateful for the places I’ve slept. The various roofs I’ve had over my head, hot coffee, nature, my car, a cell phone charger, toothpaste, a hot bath, clean underwear, my faith in a higher power. 

DH was angry for months & months and I was his verbal punching bag. Every loss and every problem was my fault. He said the ugliest things to me. He threw me out of the house. He told several doctors that he was divorcing me which made arranging care especially difficult.

After one particularly horrible incident, DH ended up in the psych hospital. Thank goodness. The 72 hours that he was inpatient provided much need respite for me.

As a result of the hospital stay, DH connected with a geri-psychiatrist that is phenomenal. She prescribed anti-anxiety meds and emphasized to him that the meds would not work if he drank. He didn't stop drinking at that point. After several more horrible incidents, and additional meds, and follow-up visits with the geri-psych doctor, husband is now abstaining from alcohol. THAT has made a huge difference. I have quite a few alcoholics in my life, so I know what an anomaly DH's sobriety is. I credit the meds, the doctor and the grace of God.

The verbal insults still come and are still painful. I try to be my own cheerleader because DH doesn't appreciate the depth of my commitment to his well being and care. My life was often chaotic, miserable, unpredictable and a lonely place to be. Friends and family did not understand what I was going through. But the people on this forum did. They understood and cared. The caregiver heroes here provided applicable and actionable suggestions. 

I also learned to discuss what happened (my husband's aggressive outbursts) with a trusted friend or professional. Thanks goodness I was able to vent on this forum. I received excellent, NONJUDGMENTAL advice and suggestions from the caregiver heroes here.

Later, my counselor helped me process what happened. Once I shared my experience with someone I trusted, the fear and the shame had less power over me.

janeymack

Talk to his doc about chemically restraining him. That is the phrase that my husband's neuro uses. She said the first step is chemical restraints in order to avoid physical restraints. He's been on Risperidone and Trazodone since last summer and it has made all the difference. His disease is also progressing at a rapid pace, and the drugs have made the difference for me between my being a victim in danger or a caregiver. Caregiver is much easier. The drugs also help him have an early and dependable bedtime, leaving me guaranteed quiet time to myself each evening. It's a mental health saver for me. Please make that call today for your own safety and well-being.

ButterflyWings

ttt

I’ve been thinking about you EICy and hoping you are ok. Please let us know, when you can.

ElCy

Thank you all for your ideas and kind words. We’ve been snowed in and things have been okay. but as soon as we can we are headed for the doc for meds. I’m removing bullets from guns as well. I’ve already hidden knives. I do have a bag in my car in case I need to bolt. Thanks again

DrinaJGB

I have been able to pretty much compartmentalize things over these nearly dozen years. I have been able to look at things and deflect and discard. It hurts but not like it used to.

  I have built a wall of self preservation around me. I don't allow much feelings to bring me down any longer. It's been too long now.

I don't cry anymore. I have sort of adopted an I don't give a darn* attitude. I get up and get things done and take care of things that need to be taken care of. which is pretty much endless.Then I go to bed and get up and do it all over again.

Mostly what has kept my sanity is I have stopped expecting miracles.

I refuse to let this disease take me down.I will absolutely go down swinging.