Just thinking out loud

1934

I have often thought and wished I would be the one going through this terrible disease rather than my DW. Seeing her deteriorate is so depressing. Then I consider that if it was the other way around and I had the disease she would have to spend her whole time taking care of me. I certainly would not want that. Of course, neither would be the best. Just curious if you had a choice, which would you choose.

jbrown13

Unfortunately we don’t have a choice. I would not want to put DW through this. As I know she doesn’t want me to go through this. If I had a choice and we had to go through this I would like both to have the same problem. Then maybe we could live together in another world.

Paris20

No, I would not want to be the one with AD. If my husband weren’t protected by his anasognosia, he’d have been devastated. He earned a PhD in accounting & finance, taught at a major research university, served as academic dean, and was justifiably proud of his accomplishments. He could fix anything…plumbing, electrical, carpentry. Now he is a shell of his former self. He can’t put a thought together, cannot even use a landline phone. No, I wouldn’t trade. If I had a wish it would be that neither of us would be facing this scourge.

Jeff86

Tough question.  I would not want to be the one with AD.  I would hate to be so confused, so foggy, so unaware of and disengaged from the world.   But more than that, I wouldn’t want my DW to have to care for me and experience the endless ongoing loss that is the lot of a caregiver.

It’s hard to say how much my wife is experiencing suffering.  She seems content much of the time, even if she can no longer do many of the things she used to enjoy.  But I experience grief and sadness every day—this may be ambiguous loss but it’s also unambiguous pain and sorrow.  My choice would be to spare my DW this woeful caregiving experience.  Not that it is my choice.  It’s just my fate.

Rick4407

My DW has anosognosia and so has no idea what she's lost.  She remains fairly happy.  I can see what she's lost and continues to lose.  I've now spent 5+ years being the caretaker, for me its OK, I can do this.  I am not sure she could.  Household chores, finances, decisions are all areas where she would be very challenged to keep up.  I manage those and her fairly well, it's best she has the disease.  Rick

Ed1937

Not sure how to answer this question. It doesn't seem to bother my wife if I do everything. The only times she is on edge is when she can't get through to me what she is saying, or when I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, even if it's something that is not optional. She is not depressed.

If I were the one with dementia, and we just switched places, I'm sure I would be in a nursing home by now. She never did have any mechanical ability, so if something needed to be fixed, she would have already spent down enough for me to get medicaid.

I wouldn't want her to be my caregiver, but I also don't want her to bear this disease.