Why it is so hard to get anything done

LovingAwareness

Why can't I make headway on this pages-long to-do list? So behind on my own medical appointments, Dad's dentist stuff, maintenance/repairs on the house, paying bills, filing, taxes, haircuts, doing something about that growing pile of his shirts that need a button or something, getting those CPAP supplies, new mattress, new computer, circling back to friends - mine and Dad's - who have emailed that they want to come for a visit - "just 10 minutes to see him" - but how do I explain that I can't invite anyone into the house until I have a chance to clean it and also get that toilet fixed in case the visitor needs to use it. Can't have them being socially horrified when I tell them, "you just grab this watering can and fill it in the sink and dump it into the tank before you flush, sorry, just haven't had a chance to get that fixed!" - and then they call adult protective services... - but hey, maybe all those helpful friends would want to come over and wait for and deal with the plumber? Now that would be helpful. 

Is it depression/need for medication, or is it me? Do I just need to get more organized to stay on top of thing...must be my fault? 

I think I finally figured it out - it's the natural inertia of avoiding mundane, joyless tasks - yes, I have always dealt with that, even in my earlier life when my time belonged to me - but now to get anything done, it's not just that I have to be motivated to do it... I have to be motivated to do it at the precise moment that Dad is napping or at daycare and I am caught up with my job work enough to not be in crisis with that... in short, very rare windows when I have both the opportunity and the motivation to perform a mundane, joyless but necessary task. I don't just have to motivate myself, but I have to navigate around the needs of a father who can't sit alone in a room by himself doing nothing, but is only satisfied when I'm sitting there doing nothing along with him. 

No. Wonder.

dayn2nite2

It is also the fact that one person cannot do the job of caregiving and maintaining a household and their own life at the same time.  In a facility, there are multiple people performing cleaning and environment maintenance services and multiple people providing caregiving services.  The person who cleans the room and bathroom is not the same person who dresses and bathes them.  The person who fixes the toilet is not the same person who cleans or the person who dresses them.

People have talked here about how placement is heavily encouraged by me and others, but unless you have this same team in your home (and if you do, you have a 1-bed nursing home that you're living in) you cannot possibly sustain 24/7 caregiving if it's just you.

Consider yourself fortunate if you don't develop either a chronic illness or a more acute disease by the time you come to the other side of this.  Please make YOUR health a priority during this time, even more than his.  I've read too many stories of caregivers who discovered they had cancer or heart disease that was advanced because they neglected appointments for themselves in favor of taking care of their LOs.

Quilting brings calm

I’m going to leave it to other people to explain the why.

I’m just going to suggest this:  the list is overwhelming you due to the sheer enormity of it. 

Every day, pick one item from the list.  Don’t overthink it as to which item.  Read the first few. Pick an easy quick one to do/ a short phone call, a 5 minute whatever.  Cross it off.  Do that every day for a week. Then the next week, pick  2 items that NEED to be done- the toilet would be one because that’s preventing you from visits and help. Accept the fact that you don’t have time to do certain things, and make a phone call to get someone else to do them.  It will be worth the money.  Keep doing the one quick item every day and crossing it off.  

ButterflyWings

Great feedback! And LA, you described my life EXACTLY. For those LOs who literally can’t be left to their own devices for 60 seconds it is a special problem. Can’t get anything done it seems, though we are working double-duty all day (and half the night here, in my he bathroom every hour or two, for up to an hour per visit lately). Lost my job recently & it’s just as well the way things are going in 6d. Got approved for an aide but can’t find one anywhere! 

Not only am I housebound now, so my needed health & other appointments are woefully behind— but there is the issue of extra work created by DH if I do step into the next room when he is awake and searching for something to do, fix, etc. So the “undo” list adds to the long “to-do” list, and I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.

Just know you have company. And we will get through this. We have to!

ninalu

My personal take is that this is what it is to be a caregiver: constant stream of things to do; priorities always shifting; as soon as one thing is accomplished, several more things are added to the list. Our minds and bodies need a rest sometimes. Our attention needs a rest sometimes.
You're not getting any real downtime and the natural thing is to blame oneself for not being able to get ahead of the tasks, but you're doing your best to keep up. 

I relate to everything you say; it's been my story too as a dementia caregiver who also has a job and a body with needs. I had a bit of "a-ha" recently while chatting with a close friend of small children. She said,

"I sometimes imagine, in my few seconds of free time, reaching out to someone I love just to find out how they are. Or writing a thank you note to my mom for her visit. Or baking some cookies for my sick neighbor. Or taking a bath. But all the things I imagine like this, things I want to do, never happen because of the unending stream of day to day, minute to minute needs of my job and my children and my household.  It makes me so sad to think of the nice things I want to do, and never to actually do them."

Somehow, in my friend's words, I felt seen and as though my feelings of isolation and occasional despair are not unique. I also give myself permission to not be able to accomplish everything because it actually is all too much. 

Please give yourself appreciation for all that you do, and see the half-full and not the half-empty. I know, it's hard.  /|\

Unknown By Man

It is insane how many of the little things we place to the wayside due to trying to caregiver, and worse yet even forgot how important and meaningful they are. I am currently upstate with my wife, and for the first time since my father passed we have been able to have breakfast together without it being interrupted. 

Little things like being able sit in front of the fireplace with cup a tea wrapped in a blanket while you read a book with your loved one near by. I forgot how much I these small pleasures enhance the day and mood of a person. I forgot how it felt doing the little things like listening to the music you like, going skateboarding in short just living. 

BassetHoundAnn

Caregiving is pretty overwhelming. I joke that I have a new part-time job and it's the Business of Mom. The paperwork and list of other things that need to be done on a daily basis are sometimes horrendous.  All my life I've always been super-competent at getting things done, at getting things organized, in my professional life and also at home. But this taking care of mom...it has truly taxed my abilities, my strength and my patience. I know what you're going through. I know how overwhelming it all is. 

One thing I've found that helps is keeping all the paperwork in a central location. I have a home office to which I retreat daily. I have a memo board and a chalk board. On the chalk board I write a list of all the calls I need to make. I have mail caddies where I sort mail for mom and for us. I have file cabinets. One for mom, one for us. 

Still, the closets have grown stuffed with all of mom's stuff. 

It's hard not to feel overwhelmed by it all. 

I try to chip away at the mountain of responsibilities every day, but still it is overwhelming. 

Hugs to you!

JDancer

Not to mention the paralyzing effects of depression.

PickledCondiment

LovingAwareness - Thanks for posting, I'm right there with you.  Here's my nickel; do what you can, find others to help you out and let the rest go.  For me, lists are a great hope. Plus I also use a whiteboard and such.  

For me, the best solutions are the simple ones.  I get up at 5am so I have for myself to organize, etc. in my office.  Another solution for me is a daily exercise time.  I also make time for just the dog and I to do fun tasks.  (No one bothers to mention the toll dementia takes on pets.)

I practice gratitude no matter how difficult the day.  As we all know, the days get harder as the disease progresses.

Work at staying strong, keep posting and reaching out.  

buckeyenut

So, I joined this group today because of all the overwhelming feelings I've been experiencing. It's like you catch a breath for a day or two then bam..dad has a crisis that needs my attention on top of my job and children. Oh and by the way I have a brother and sister that never help out! I've been the caregiver for 4 years we do have my dad at an AL place that I love but everything else falls on my shoulders! My siblings don't even visit! UGH so stressed out!!!!