Has your relationship with your adult offspring suffered?

Quilting brings calm

My 40 year old son is mad at us.  He and his family were at our home for Christmas, stayed in a hotel that night, and stopped back by the next day. He stopped and visited his grandparents first.  He  spent most of the 30 minutes in our home making passive aggressive jokes about us being old and needing nursing homes.  Intermixed with comments about how he’d move his grandparents close to him if he could and how his grandmother missed me. I asked him more than once to stop making the jokes because people our age ( 63/64) didn’t find them funny, but I didn’t make a big deal as I was trying to keep the peace. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, he, his wife and daughter were putting on their coats, I gather that my spouse had expressed his displeasure by slamming down his phone, ( and probably loudly telling him off too).  So it’s been a week and a half and son is not answering my messages and texts.  

I would have preferred my spouse not getting mad in front of  our 6 year old granddaughter, but I understood his reaction because I wasn’t very happy with my son either.  Are we perfectly healthy?  No, but we have a good 10 years or more before we will need assistance.   Doesn’t mean we will still stay in this exact home situation for that 10 years. Are there current challenges? Yes, my spouse doesn’t drive at night and I am still temporarily in the neck and back brace from my early December accident. So I haven’t seen my parents in 5 weeks although I call every day. 

Truthfully I think my sons’ real problem is that he loves his grandparents, doesn’t truly understand the challenges and history in my relationship  with my mom and step/dad and is guilt tripping me because they are in assisted living and I’m not out there for several hours a day babying them. Those of you who have been following me know that it’s difficult and that this last September involved a major blow up due to step dad’s inappropriate behavior toward women.   Our younger adult son totally understands our position and these same  grandparents really only have ever had  normal grandparent relationships with one grandchild/ our older son. They have 10 grandchildren.  

So my actual  question:  how many of you have suffered guilt trips by your offspring because you don’t have your loved one living with you? It’s ok to answer if your loved one is your spouse or partner too. 

Unknown By Man

Cannot say much towards your situation, but I am sorry. I have experience with guilt tripping but the idea of having that come towards my own child is something unimaginable. 

Sorry.

Stuck in the middle

I can't imagine walking into my parents' home and criticizing the way they cared for their parents.  Your son was rude, his father quite appropriately told him off, and he is licking his wounds.  I would stop texting him.  It's his move now, and he owes you an apology.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.  

abc123

Dear QBC,

You explained it perfectly, your adult son has no earthly idea of the challenges you face daily with your mother and step father. He knows nothing of your history. He is guilty of loving his grandparents and he is guilty of being rude and disrespectful to his parents. IMO he should apologize to you both. Try to give your son the space and time to let his behavior sink in. He might realize how wrong he was. My sister doesn't agree with how my dad manages the day to day care of my mom. Previously she was never here long enough to really see what goes on and how difficult caregiving really is, physically, emotionally and financially. She has recently started making herself available to us.

I have been following you and your journey since you first joined the forum. There were many times when I worried about you and your husband because you seemed to be running yourself ragged trying to make your mom happy. She had you constantly on the go! I don't know how you managed it. Your son doesn't know about all of that. How often does he call to ask how things are going with his grandparents and his parents? Does he call them regularly? Does he even realize he can't believe most of what she says due to the dementia? I'm sorry this happened to you, remember you have all of us here. We know what you've been through. Hang in there my friend! You are a blessing to your family.

Quilting brings calm

An update - nothing has changed in the situation with older son.  Except he did respond once to a messenger message a few weeks ago.  A short paragraph answering a question I asked about our granddaughter.  Nothing since.  I continue to send a text or message every few days.  Tomorrow is his birthday and I did send a card and cash for it.  I still think his anger is about my parents. Although with this son it could be anything.  His wife has sent me a couple videos of our granddaughter reading Dr Seuss.  Pretty good for a kindergartner. 

Update on me- I weaned off the neck and back brace 12 days ago … and promptly fell.  I walked into a curb due to the snow we’d gotten the day before ( 11 inches).  I pitched forward and broke my fall with my hands and elbows, probably my knees too.  Back didn’t hit anything.  But the lower back muscles were just as weak as the upper ones due to being in the brace so long.  12 days later, the lower back on both sides and the hip on one side are still very painful.  It’s very hard to get out of bed or a chair and walking is doable but painful.  An X-ray 9 days ago showed nothing but arthritis, so this is all muscle and I just have to wait for it to heal, muscle relaxers are useless. 

My Mom and step-dad are still safe in the assisted living facility.  I’m so glad that’s where they are during this. I still haven’t been out there.  Had planned on going the week after I got off the brace, but the fall has postponed that.  Mom actually seems to be handling things ok, other than a little emotional. 

SusanB-dil

oh, my QBC - a lot to deal with.  Sorry to hear of your fall. your body's been through enough the past few months.

I know you will keep reaching out to your son, and hopefully soon he will understand more fully what the whole situation really is.  but... in the meantime, i know his behavior is hurtful.  Glad that his wife is sharing videos of granddaughter.  Hang in there.

(just fyi - i use the essential oil blend of Helichrysum with jojoba, in a rollerball bottle, for bruises and aches - sometimes it helps, but even if a little, it is better than nothing)

dayn2nite2

I'm so sorry you fell.  If it's not one thing, it's another.

I'm also sorry your son hasn't been more responsive.  As you said, it's probably that he feels he's the only person who "cares" but frankly how long do you think he could have put up with everything you've put up with from them?  I'd still send cards on appropriate holidays but I'd probably let the texting go if the majority are not being responded to.

As we all know, it's easy to do a drive-by and make comments and remarks but to live this nightmare is a whole other thing.

You and your husband should be respected in your own home and once asked to stop making remarks, he should have stopped, so he owes you an apology.

Quilting brings calm

Not a muscle strain after all.  Its another compressed fracture - this one of the L3 vertebrae. New corset type brace.  Same restrictions of activity as the other fracture.  

Doctor said I need to get a bone density study since I got this fracture by falling forward, breaking my fall with my hands and elbows and not hitting my back on anything. 

Also had a talk with my sister who has been  in contact witn my son.  Both of them have similar senses of humor  which include the fact that tbey like to spout off one liners at peoples expense.  For example, the one about my spouse and I needing a nursing home that I referenced in my original post. Seems my son got his feelings hurt because my spouse and I took offense to his comments.  My sister thinks I’m the one in the wrong for getting my feelings hurt and that I hurt his feelings by getting upset at what he said.   I had to get off the phone with my sister because it just irritated the ()$& out of me.   According to her I have no sense of humor because I don’t find getting insulted to be funny. 

Well, younger son called.  He calls almost every day.  Sounds like he called his older brother yesterday and his brother is mad about anything and everything from birth on in regards  to me. No details, that’s just pretty much how younger son phrased it.   

DrinaJGB

Our daughter has been polite but not friendly. We live 5 miles away and yet hardly ever see her. Out of desperation I invited them all out for her birthday dinner last week (our son in law's parents as well).

  Since covid we are nearly estranged it seems . She is our only child and has our only granddaughter. A few months ago we were talking on the phone and I started crying because DH was going to be tested soon for suspected AD.

  My daughter started yelling at me that I was "dumping" my problems on her and that I was "drowning" in depression. I am not depressed but overwhelmed (a dozen years of 24/7 care-giving with no respite or relief). I was so shocked by her reaction I felt ambushed, and hing up on her--for which I immediately tried to call back and apologize---no answer, so I texted an apology. No response.

  Now our relationship has completely changed, and I no longer share anything regarding her dad's illness or even our life with her for fear of being accused of "dumping" my problems. It feels like total abandonment.

  FYI---I have been reading a lot about this lately. It seems to be a trend now for millenials to dump their parents these days. Great.One more thing to deal with.

Quilting brings calm

Drina.  -  my older son will be 41 tomorrow    Younger son is 30.   Older son has been a bit prickly ever since he graduated from college.  Older son was adopted by my spouse when we married  and then my spouse and I had our younger son.  Older son has an introverted personality and is stand offish even on a good day.  He doesn’t make the 3 hour trip more than 3-4 times a year, and doesn’t like to stay here overnight Younger son is much easier to deal with and actually seems to enjoy our company, comes to stay often even though his drive is 4 hours.

I think this generation has never really grown up in that they do not see us as people with the same worries, thoughts, concerns, and desires as they have.   

Stuck in the middle

I have or had a brother like that.  He stopped calling and writing soon after our mother stopped sending him money when she went into NH in 2012, so I don't know if he's dead or alive.  We can choose our friends, but not our relatives.

Quilting brings calm

Stuck- truer words have never been spoken( as the quote goes).  I’m sorry for your situation with your brother.  You’ve got quite a bit going on yourself and the estrangement can be wearing emotionally. 

Just like many of us are the only sibling caring for our parent(s).  My mom and step-dad have six offspring between  them - and I’m the only one handling things.  It seems dementia is a master at exposing all the cracks in family dynamics. At least it seems that way in this group and in the Facebook dementia group I belong to. 

My other full sibling ( another sister) will only respond to my texts, messages, or calls about once a year.  That’s been that way since she left home at 18.  The one I spoke to today only started back in contact several years ago when she needed me to come  stay for a week after she had surgery.   The 3 step siblings have been gone for decades.  Raised their heads a few months last year, and then disappeared when their dads behavior got out of line. 

Like I said earlier, I am so very glad that my parents are in assisted living.  They would not have  been okay in their own place these last 2.5 months  while I’ve been dealing with my vertebrae issues.  Mom actually seems to be rallying on the daily phone call  - my issues make her feel like the mom again maybe.  She tells me every day that she wishes she could  help me.  I respond that them doing their best to stay healthy and safe is the best thing they can do to help me.

Stuck in the middle

This is precisely why every adult should sign a POA.  You hope it is never needed, but if it is, you don't want your sons in court fighting over who gets to decide your fate.  And you REALLY don't want your older son to win.