DH getting violent

sunshine5

DH has mild dementia. He has always been a quick tempered person.

Today, he became violent, he hit me, lost his temper. 

I have been doing all chores without his help since his mild dementia diagnose. 

He is on lowest dose of Exelon patch, has Diabetis, some prostate and kidney issues, heart problem in the past. He is on enough meds. Should I have the neurologist prescribe a anxiety med?

Does this mean Dementia is progressing?

Quilting brings calm

Sunshine5 I saw several comments on your previous post addressing this question and giving you options. Some posters could tell what behavior would be next.  I think your spouse probably is progressing and could use medication.

Edited several days later.  The previous post I mentioned wasn’t Sunshine5s.  It’s was someone else’s, but the comments still  had good  advice.  Post was titled ‘ how not to feel’. 

Paris20

Sunshine5, my husband always had a short temper but after diagnosis with Alzheimer’s Disease, he started losing control, having meltdowns and shouting with rage…to the point I feared an escalation to violence. I spoke to the neurologist, who prescribed Seroquel an antipsychotic drug. My husband had been on an antidepressant but it was less effective in controlling those unpredictable explosions. The meds have made all the difference. DH still has his loony moments but they have become far more rare. And to answer your question, I’d say the disease is progressing as expected. No one ever recovers from it.

Ed1937

sunshine5 wrote:

Should I have the neurologist prescribe a anxiety med?

I think you should gt in touch with the neurologist, and tell them exactly what is happening. They should figure out what medications he should have, if any.

Sunshine, you need to be safe. If he does that again, call 911, and ask if they can have him hospitalized. If so, don't take him home until he is stable. But who knows what can be done with Covid being bad again.

Sunrise24

My DH was having delusions and aggressions during this past summer.  They tried a few different meds but I think hadn’t figured out the correct dosage…. He didn’t hit me but was pushing me out of house a few times and throwing my clothes in driveway.. He had knives hidden which he did when he was stable but I did not know what would happen as he was getting delusional and aggressive.  Ultimately 911 was called and he was taken to geriatric psych. Unit in hospital… He still did not acknowledge that I was his wife and they couldn’t keep him at hospital so I had to place in memory care…. He stabilized there over three months and I took him home last week…. He has been on 1 1/2 mg of Risperdone and I feel as though that has made a world of difference… He has had zero signs of aggression…. Just hoping he stays stable for a while….I pray that they find the proper meds for your husband…. !!

sunshine5

I mentioned to neurologist about his becoming violent, he said the medication can’t help with that. I asked him if Seroquel will help, Thanks Paris. I am having his Exelon patch dose increased from 4.6 mg.

He hid the checkbooks and tells me lies, he pours scotch and tells me wine. I might loose my mind just coping with his lies. Asked him to give me his checkbooks, he won’t!

I may need therapy soon if all this continues, I am having sleepless nights just thinking about it!

DH still doesn’t think he had memory problems.

Who do I talk to about all these issues? I may fall apart soon.

I have no relatives / family nearby.

sunshine5

It seems my husband has similar behavior problems like yours Paris

ButterflyWings

Hi Sunshine- you have your hands full as we all do to varying degrees. 

Please revisit the advice shared by our fellow forum-mates. So many of us have been exactly where you are, and lived to see solutions and better understanding of how to keep both your DH and you, safe. 

It sounds like you need a new Dr, or at least another voice on the med team. This one is wrong if he says meds won’t help with the aggression. Seroquel helped reduce my DH’s agitation, anger, hallucinations (he was seeing and hearing intruders) and delusions (false beliefs like someone was going to break in so he had to hide knives under the mattress, stash a bat and pitchfork in arm’s reach to defend us, etc). 

A Dr who won’t listen to your situation and requests? That is sustaining a dangerous situation in your case. Maybe he doesn’t know, but we here on these boards do. Please search “Seroquel” and also “aggressive” and read as many threads as you need to, for info to feel more confidence that you will need to be in charge, and that you have to become the expert on dementia and staying safe as a caregiver.

Last year, I got a newPCP to go along with our great neuropsych. It is a geriatric specialist with lots of experience with dementias and meds + resources for elderly patients (in our case). Much more knowledgeable and a much better response to help treat & slow the recurring UTIs that were wreaking havoc on DH’s personality— threatening, locking me out, weaponing up etc. (Very) scary, stressful, and unsafe. After trying to negotiate with an irritated and irritating PWD all day. no one needs to be dismissed by or also have to debate with their doc too. 

Last point, I’m sorry to say this but we all must face it as soon as possible to get the help and clear understanding of what we are dealing with: 

-you can’t have rational discussions with your DH anymore. That’s a casualty of this terrible disease. You can get through this. The experience in this community is a lifeline. The best information on the planet. 

M1

Sunshine, you may have to resort to subterfuge to get the checkbooks.  Either take them away from him--out of desk, wallet, wherever--while he is otherwise occupied and feign ignorance; or talk to your bank, cancel the account, open a new one, whatever you have to do.   It took me a while to learn (and still am) to just act without telling my partner what I was doing or expecting her cooperation.  It's a different kettle of fish from sharing what is normally shared in a marriage, but it's necessary.

I also agree with what BW said about finding a different doc.  Seroquel or similar would help, no question.

I also have to wonder, is the alcohol contributing?  Maybe the store needs to be out of stock for a while.

Please stay safe.  

Rescue mom

Sunshine, as others have said, two things really jump out at me: 

1. You need to get the checkbook and credit cards. Don’t ask, just act. Get them when he’s busy with something else. You then say they’re lost, or expired, whatever, (some people replace with fake cards/checks and the person doesn’t notice) and you’re waiting for new ones. It will probably indeed take some subterfuge. 

2. You can’t talk things over, or discuss things, anymore. It may be the worst part of all this. We’re used to discussing things with our partner. But now the partners brain is broken. He cannot process these things normally. You have to decide and act.

The “normal” course is that yea, the disease does progress. They do not get better. Meds can be hugely beneficial in reducing the symptoms of anger and violence. In my state, PCPs are virtually prohibited from giving Seroquel, you have to see a specialist (geriatric psychiatrist for us). You also could benefit from therapy, many people here do that.

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Paris20

Sunshine, I’m glad I was able to help. I’m just paying it forward, since I learned about Seroquel on this forum. As far as our husbands’ similar behaviors go, here’s what I do: Telling  him I must take his keys, wallet, checkbook, credit cards, or money did not work. I tried too many times and only wound up frustrated and cashless. I just acted without saying a word. I removed all those threats to our financial well-being from my husband’s sight. He occasionally asks where the checkbook is and I respond very casually that it’s safe and sound in fill-in-the-blank-fiblet. It’s knowing that the money is “safe” and under DH’s control that is more important to him than knowing where it is, which he’ll soon forget anyway.

 None of the above works when there are meltdowns, vulgar rages, or verbal attacks. I think that your husband’s doctor was dismissive at best and ignorant at worst. My husband’s neurologist does whatever he can to bring peace and safety to our home. When my husband has his check-ups, the doctor always asks me how I am doing too. We caregivers need empathic and knowledgeable physicians who know about our daily lives with this awful disease.

jfkoc

I have no medical training but it is my understanding that Exelon is used for cognition and memory. I would look for something to help with the violence.

sunshine5

I am afraid to remove the checkbooks, he may become violent. Most bills are on auto and I do the online banking and all filing. Despite this, he managed to send a $ 1000. Check that says gift, he says he sent it for membership. I asked him to give me the checkbooks for safekeeping, he moved them/ hid them to another location.

I am alone and don’t want to create a situation where he will get angry and violent again.I started having sleepless nights just thinking about it.

I will take one day at a time and try to tackle the situation at a later date 

Thanks for all your help community!

BTW, does anyone have a hotline # to talk to AD live person?

miamvp

The Alzheimer's Helpline number is 800-272-3900, you can call 24/7.  You definitely need some professional advice and counseling, you sound like you could be in danger of physical harm and certainly need some help dealing with these aggressive, destructive behaviors.  I am so sorry you are having to experience this in your relationship and your life.  Best of luck to you and hopefully you can get some good support and information.  Do you have any other family support or friends that can help you in an urgent situation?  Blessings to you.

sunshine5

Thankyou so much. I don’t have any family in the area. I am too embarrassed to tell friends what happened!

Neurologist said they only prescribe Seroquel if the aggression happens every day, or frequently.

I am definitely looking into getting some therapy for myself and start taking care of myself.

Thanks to all u folks who supported me, to know that there are others like me who have gone thru this at some stage or other!

What I haven’t mastered is a sense of humor in difficult situations, it certainly helps to lighten the load. God bless u all!

jmlarue

I can relate to much of what you are going through. My husband has vascular dementia. A year ago his angry, aggressive, and threatening behavior had ramped up to the point that I no longer felt safe. Fortunately, I had taken the advice offered by many here and had established my DH with a geriatric psychiatrist in addition to his primary care doctor. The geri-psych is his specialist in all things dementia related. When his behavior hit a tipping point, I called and asked for an urgent consult - making it clear that I could not wait weeks to address the increasing anger and aggression. An in-person appointment was impossible, but the doctor was able to schedule a video call consult with me in a matter of a few days. He prescribed Prazosin. I did not discuss this new medication with my spouse - just simply added it to the rest of his daily pills. It took about 10 days to really notice that it was having good effect. It's been a godsend. That being said, you should know that often the body will build up a tolerance to these drugs used for behavior modification. About 6 months after starting this drug, the anger and aggressiveness started ramping up again. A call to the geri-psych increased his dosage and things leveled off nicely again. I think I might have lost my mind if not for the help of this specialist.

My advice - get an urgent referral to a geriatric psychiatrist for your husband and if your primary doctor isn't capable or interested in treating a person with dementia, fire them and find someone who is. 

Patricia Ann

Oh my, I've had same issues.  Close your accounts and open another for you.  Cancel credit cards and get one for you.  Let him keep his checkbook thinking it still open same for credi cards.  Just get everything out of his name and only into yours.  Hopefully you have a power of attorney.  If not you need to see a lawyer for advice.  My husband is Alz. Since 2014, now in memory care after trying to injure me 3 times.  Uncontrollable until doc put him on 100mg of seraquel 2 times a day.  Now has a bad day occasionally but 95% of time is cooperative and non violent.  He is declining every month or so, but that's Alz.  normal.

Best wishes and prayers to you.

Pinky

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