New here and Mom is progressing but now doesn’t believe she has Alzheimer’s

Daughter of Patient

 My mom has Alzheimer’s and has been in the moderate stage for a couple of years. She is now in assisted living largely for medication and meal oversight. 

She has now decided that she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or dementia and we keep finding her notes that she wants to sue her neuropsychiatrist for malpractice because she doesn’t believe him, or us (her family members). We have always had a wonderful relationship and she has always trusted us implicitly. We do have POA, etc. Any advice on how to keep her from pursuing a lawsuit against her doctor?  Though I don’t know if she would actually follow through, sometimes she does follow through on making an occasional doctor appt, so it could happen. He has done everything by the book, so it would eventually blow over, but it could be costly for both her and us and the doctor in time, difficulty and money. 

mommyandme (m&m)

As others might agree, your mom has anosognosia… she doesn’t believe she has Alzheimer’s and will probably never agree with you or anyone else that she does.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you think about it, she’ll forget all about it.  

If I were you I might just agree with her.  “You’re right, you don’t have it.” The discussion that she does will go nowhere and only antagonize her.  In a way it doesn’t really matter, practically, that she understands her diagnosis.  Since you’ve got all the documents in place, POA etc… there’s not much else needed but keeping her safe and as comfortable as possible. 

Mid stage is very difficult in a lot of ways.  We’re in late stage so those type of discussions are long gone.  Earlier when my mom asked why she was having trouble with some things, I asked her if she knew what Alzheimer’s was… she said “no”.  End of discussion.  I just validate that things are hard sometimes, for all of us.  Validation and apologies go a long way. 

Keep us posted, I hope for some peace and comfort for you and yours soon.  

M1

Welcome Daughter.  My partner is stage 5, and yes, her ability to still do some things can cause trouble.  But I have found that a lot of it is talk, with no ability to follow through, and it is best for me to keep my mouth shut and not argue about the "what if's" because they never really happen.  For instance:  do you think you mother would really have the wherewithal to contact an attorney, make and go to an appointment, and convince them she has a case?  I doubt it.  So as m&m already suggested, you can make agreeable sounding noises without arguing with her.  "wow, that sounds like really something."  good luck.  I know this isn't easy, but for good and ill, I find that most of what my partner threatens to undertake does not actually happen.

debgilly

Hi Daughter,

I agree with M&M.  The stage will pass, she'll move to the next level and you'll get a whole new set of questions for this forum.  

My 83-yo father is moving through the stages rather quickly (I think).  Two years ago, he was mostly fine.  He had some memory lapses here and there, he got lost a couple of times but was able to use his cell phone to call me. Then he moved into a stage of wanting to sue people and even talked to an attorney once, but the attorney was very good to explain that even though my father might be right (he wasn't) that it could cost him his life savings to pursue legal action and will probably not be successful anyway.  My dad quit considering the lawsuit but remained indignant that he had been wronged.  I just went along with him and agreed it was a tragedy.  

My dad also would deny that he had dementia or Alzheimers.  He often looked to me to back him up when he told others.  I would say, "we all have memory problems, just the other day I forgot ....".   That appeased my dad and (to him) it bolstered his claim that he was as clear-headed as anyone else in the room.

Those days are long gone.  And remember, two years ago he was functioning independently.  For us, in the next stage he began waking up in the middle of the night and tried to leave to go "home" even though he has been in this house for 40 years.  One night he had his vehicle packed before I even noticed he was up and about.  He packed all of his valuables:  remote control, toothpicks, the control for his electric blanket, lamps, etc.

Now we have moved into a stage where he doesn't recognize family members.  He thinks I'm a waitress from a nearby cafe.  He frequently leaves a couple of dollars at the table after he eats.  

Formerly he was a pilot and he often claims that he needs to get to the airport because he was just called in.

I came across this website today and this is my first post.  Its good to find people that understand what my life is like.  Happy New Year. 

Debbie

  

GenePT

Hi Debgilly, my dad was a commercial pilot, too. At my last visit, he recalled the engine manufacturer of the DC3 he purchased in the 80’s. So today when I go visit I am bringing a cloth patch from that manufacturer, I saved from his belongings, when we cleaned out his house. It may trigger more memories, or not. But it is a way for me to “enter his world, to be where HE is at”. 

I found DVDs I made for my Mom, to record her first grandchild’s life. When I showed specific clips to my dad this week, that I thought he would enjoy, I discovered a clip of him playing catch with his then 3-4 y/o granddaughter. He watched, and then recalled the house  and configuration of the bedroom closet. We could smile together.

The 4 yrs before he fell and moved to a board and care (B&C) he spent $120,000 in a law suit. We did NOT realize he was in cognitive decline. Just thought he was making “ bad decisions”. Hind sight reveals he really was in early stage dementia. Anosognosia played a HUGE role in the conflict he and I had, the first year he was in the B&C. He wanted to buy a car, “I can drive just fine”. Although his knees were so contracted he needed a wheelchair and no longer walked, and would not be able to reach the pedals in the car. HE didn’t see his deficits. So I learned to say “that’s interesting” when he said he found a car to buy. DON’T ARGUE, DON’T REASON, became my internal talk. Stay calm, don’t react. Don’t argue. Acknowledge his comment, pause. Redirect the conversation. This went a long way in my self care.