Demanding something be done immediately

426Cuda

I am still new to learning a lot about dealing with my partner's dementia.  He has an MRI done next month and then we meet with the geriatric psychiatrist for some insight as to what type, how far the progression is, and what the future may hold.

I had a very busy day today trying to take down Christmas decorations, make dog food and do laundry.  In the middle of this Dave decided that the back seat from our van needed to go back into the van because "that's where it belongs".  It's been out of the van in the utility room for years because he carried samples in the van when he was working and had no room for it.  

I told him that I would be there in a couple of minutes and then I heard him dragging almost everything out of the utility room, stuff that didn't need to come out, and cursing as he threw it all over the garage and driveway.  Then he came back in the house and demanded that I hook up the pressure washer because he needed to pressure wash the driveway.  I explained that the doctors had not cleared him yet to do any work with equipment because his balance and gait are so bad.

With that he started ordering me around, what to do, how to do it, etc.  I bit my tongue and tried to ignore his attitude and gently suggested an easier way to accomplish the task.  The seat is back in the van and he is now back in the house in front of the TV totally forgetting all of the stuff that he dragged out of the utility room that needs to be put back.  That's OK, I'll get that done.  I realize the short term memory is not there.

Bottom line is I guess when it comes to planning my day I had better be VERY flexible or is there a way to communicate that the task he wants done can wait for another more convenient time?  I tried suggesting another day but he was not having any of that.  It had to be done now.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Jim

ButterflyWings

Hi and welcome to our world, with lots of sympathy that you also need to be here. I wish none of us needed such a forum.

Yes- since AD took over our lives, my formerly strategic, realistic, patient, flexible, organized DH has transformed into a short attention span, demanding, impatient and impulsive stranger. When he sees something that flips the switch in his brain, it is like you described...impulsive and irrational with a capitol “I”. It is just like a 2-3 year old. The tasks make little sense, must be done right then, and he loses interest midstream. This comes with the territory with dementia it seems. We do a LOT of redirecting, deferring, stretching the truth, and basically saying whatever keeps the peace and keeps the lid on in the moment. 

I try my best to clear (or temporarily hide) as much as possible because “out of sight, out of mind” is also one of the “gifts” of dementia. But anticipating, reacting, and redirecting early to mid stage PWD LOs is indeed exhausting.  That is why I mentioned on one post this week, that my daily “Undo list” is overwhelming when added onto the “To-Do list” for a 24/7 caregiver.

Buckle up. It is a wild ride. But lots of supportive, caring, experienced folks here to help share what has worked for them. Best to you and your partner. Do learn as much as you can about what may lie ahead and how to work around it.

Stuck in the middle

Hi, Jim.

I find that I have to be both flexible and organized.  I run the dishwasher overnight and empty it in the morning to keep DW from adding dirty dishes to the newly washed, for example.  In your case, I would prioritize, as in dog food has to get done today, laundry should get done today, decorations can come down today if I have time.

I also have to be flexible in the long run.  Dementia is progressive, and things DW could do six months ago may be beyond her now.  Six months ago, I could start the washing machine and go shopping.  Now, I may come home to find half of the clean clothes in the dryer and half on the floor mixed with some dirty clothes.  In short, what works now may not work a year from now.  Your LO can't adjust, so you will have to.

As BW said, welcome to Wonderland.

Joe C.

Jim, Welcome but sorry you needed to seek out our community. If you are new to this journey the most important advice I can offer is put finding a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) at the top of your to do list and begin getting your legal & financial house in order. If you delay to long in beginning this process it can have devastating results down the road especially if your partner no longer has the cognitive capacity to sign legal documents.

The other heads up I will give you is not to expect to learn to much from the MRI. MRI’s are generally use to rule out other possible issues for decline such as a tumor or undiagnosed stroke rather than as a tool to diagnosis a form of dementia. The Geriatric Psychiatrist should be able to give you his “best guess” as to the type of dementia based on his/her experience but the MRI will most likely not provide that information, especially if it is Alzheimer’s. 

harshedbuzz

Jim-

That sounds like a very frustrating day which is yet to be followed by another day clearing up the aftermath.

It sounds like you are newish to the disease. I hope the upcoming geripsych appointment brings answers and information you can use to make the days easier on both of you. 

I wonder if your partner is where my dad was earlier on- he had some sense that he was experiencing memory loss and confusion and was hell-bent on proving he was useful and just fine. Later in the disease process, he developed anosognosia where he was unaware of the changes in his cognition which brought other issues.

When he was in the phase where he was trying to prove he was OK, he was a messy whirlwind- the formerly meticulous DIYer screwed up countless projects. Mom spent over $5K tidying up dad's attempts at home improvement when we listed their homes to move them closer to me. 

What I hear in your words is the intersection of 3 traits seen in dementia. The first is the tendency to get stuck on something- whether it's the neighbor's tree dropping leaves in his yard or the idea that the bench seat must be re-installed. This kind of repetitive thinking is often driven by anxiety and treatment with a medication for that can de-escalate the behavior a bit. Often an SSRI is used which can take some trial and error. Dad was already on Prozac, his geripsych increased the dose a bit and added a second.

The second piece to this is the tendency for a PWD to live in the moment. As they lose orientation to time, they are very much in the here and now. If he was trying to prove he's still useful, he would feel the need to do it right this minute. These demands are typically best countered with a fiblet that defers them. It's hard to think of one specific to your bench-seat scenario- maybe something about needing it out to run to the garden center?

The final piece is the lack of empathy most PWD develop very early on. For me, this is what make caregiving and living with a PWD so hard, they have no appreciation of what you are doing or thinking and frankly, they don't care which hurts. He doesn't recall the mess he created for you and even if he did, he wouldn't care.

HB

Rescue mom

Harshbuzz last two paragraphs are very true and important. 

Also: People with dementia (PWDs) generally lose all concept of time very early. An hour, five minutes, three hours—all the same to them. 

My DH with Alzheimer’s will say I was gone three hours when I go get the mail (less than 5 minutes).  Anytime we had to be somewhere at a certain time, like doctor, I had to plan 2-3 times longer than normal. He could start some new “project” or start getting UNdressed, in a flash. He either immediately forgot we were going, or said what he was doing would only take “one minute” when in reality it took an hour or more.

And oh my, the “projects”….he’d swear he was going to fix/do/help something, then stand and look at it, then walk away and forgot he ever started, or even wanted to. 

It’s not intentional, and you can’t fix it. You cannot explain it to him, or reason with him. Their brain is broken, those functions—and being able to discuss them—are just gone. You have to be flexible, maybe the understatement of the year.

They also become totally self-centered—lose empathy. What *you* are doing, or how *you* feel doesn’t matter at all to them. It’s all about what they want, right then. If you had kids, you may remember this kind of thing from toddlers. 

Many people here have talked about how hard it is when they get sick, because the PWD cannot help you and still expects you to do everything for him. (That’s why we talk about the need for a Plan B—who takes over when the caregiver goes down).

You just have to learn how to deal with it. It’s hard. What Butterfly said.

JudyMorrowMaloney

Glad I'm not the only one getting ordered around. My DH has been driving me crazy lately with his constant barking out orders and telling me what to do and how to do it. I am so sick of his constant needling!