SO and my mother, how do you deal.

Unknown By Man

Question, what do you do when your SO hates your parent with dementia with valid reason they have a tumultuous relationship to say the least, yet your parent keeps going out of their way to try and mend the fence so to speak? We are talking a level of hatred that goes as far that my mother was not allowed to come to our wedding. My mother was not a nice person before her diagnose, and the dementia does not make it any easier though my mother is trying to mend old wounds, but we largely suspect it stems from the fact my mother is cognizant my interactions with her will be limited once she is placed due to my nature of not wanting to rock the boat.

I have to take calls regarding my mother outside the house, my wife does not want me to even mention her name in the house, or show my concern regarding my mother around her. My wife tried to kill my mother soon after my father passed away due to fact she tried to help reduce the burden on me but she was unable to. I will admit I was a hot mess cause I was put in a situation where I became the sole caregiver. Though since then I have done my best to keep my worries and concerns about my mom away from her. 

We are in therapy together and I have to be mindful on what emotions I show due to the issue he puts my wife in a spot where she feels the need to help out of guilt and duty. So at times it feels I have a second life / family. The part that has been making it rough is I still wish to see my mom when she is placed but on the other hand I know I will not simply be able to mask how I feel towards the placement. It is not a good place, but due to my mothers issues it is the only place that will take her. 

My mother has tried to make peace, and generally many of our conversations to start with what can she do, why does she hate her, why do you always come alone. When my father was a alive we were always together and she did put on a good show for the sake of my father, because he was like a second father to her. He helped her get through loss of her day cause he also was the one that found his father after he took his own life. 

Part of the hatred stems from the thought it should have been her instead, though that is a very small part of it they have been bumping heads since we started dating. So is it a lost cause? I would be lying if I said I did not find it soul crushing to pretend my mother does not exist around my wife, and it does get annoying that to my mother I by myself am not good enough. I am a fairly boring person, we do not have any of the same interests.

It was rough when my mom was only a 15 min drive, now she is a good hour away, and I most likely will be fielding many calls early on as she adjusts to the placement. Not having to hide things would be nice, being able to vent with my wife would be nice. Though as our therapist mentions it is not about me, which I agree. 

Guess I am just venting. 

Tfreedz

Therapy is a great first step, you may need to go separately as well to get out feelings about your mom that your wife doesn’t want to hear about. Venting here is also a good idea and a way to get things off your chest that your wife has no desire to listen to anymore.

When my mom moved in with us 5 months ago, I spent every spare second I had with my hubby talking about her, the situation, the future. He got fed up and asked me not to discuss her every second. That upset me because it was all I was thinking about and needed my best friend (hubby) to listen, give advice. But I could see his point of view so I found this forum to vent and look for advice. My SO doesn’t have a bad relationship with my mom so I’m sure that would make it worse.

A few years ago my MIL moved in with us due to getting divorced. No dementia issues but She was so nasty and rude to me when hubby wasn’t around that after 6 months I ended up giving him an ultimatum...her or me. He chose me thankfully and now that she is out of our home, she has been much nicer to me. I’m cordial to her but will never forget how nasty she can be. I’m sure for your wife it is too soon to be cordial. She has personally dealt with your mom being horrible to her and also seen the stress she’s caused you and the disturbance to your lives. I’m glad your mom is trying to be better but I think your wife needs more time if the relationship could ever be rectified.

abc123

Your therapist mentions this is not about you? That confuses me. You and your wife attend sessions together? Is it strictly because of your wife's feelings towards your mother? This problem involves the two most important women in your life and the therapist says this isn't about you? Who does the therapist think it's about? Just your wife? I apologize for asking so many questions but I am really confused.

My MIL was extremely difficult, she could be downright vicious at times. I knew her from age 11, maybe that helped make a difference in our relationship, I don't really know. I liked her very much when I was young. I married her only son, we were both 41 years old at the time. She was constantly making trouble for us. She would actually throw temper tantrums, yelling and crying. She would outright lie about things. It was impossible to like her at times, especially when she would make my husband miserable. Sometimes I thought I hated her, maybe I did hate her during those awful episodes. But I would never have demanded that my husband not see his mother or not think about her or talk to her. You are in a terrible situation and I feel terrible for you. I wish I had good advice to share with you and I'm sorry I don't. I hope you and your wife can find a reasonable solution. We are here for you. Please keep posting. 

Quilting brings calm

I think this is beyond my expertise   I can’t get past this sentence of your post - 

 My wife tried to kill my mother soon after my father passed away due to fact she tried to help reduce the burden on me but she was unable to - 

I think the best thing for your mom would be for APS to arrange guardianship for her.  I think you need to continue in therapy in sessions without your spouse.  

jordansfca

Your wife tried to kill your mother? Is this true?

How was this not a legal matter?

Honestly their relationship sounds broken beyond any repair.

Unknown By Man

Thanks for the replies, to answer a few of the questions. The reasoning behind the statement I do not matter was more so in the context of the focus should be on my wife to help her overcome her current issues with my mother and the situation. Nothing can really addressed regarding the situation until we get to that point. At least that is how it was explained to me when I asked the same question. 

As for why it is not a legal matter because I was able to stop it before she could physically touch my mother, and I also did not file a report or contact the police. Nor did my mother, she knows if she did she would 100% lose the only family member she has that is willing to care for her. Everyone else abandoned her, all she has left  is me and she knows this which is part of the reasoning as to why she is trying to make peace. She is aware the entire reason I am placing her is because my wife gave me choice. I was not going to throw years of being together away, and it gave me the push I needed to place her despite her doctors wishes and concerns.

 I probably will be judged but I am not going to throw my wife under the bus for a momentary laspe in judgment fueled by years of distress and a traumatic event. 

harshedbuzz

UBM-

Short answer- I would not be, and am not, married to such a person as your wife. She doesn't sound like a real partner in the marriage. 

DH and I both have some challenging people in our families of origin. His current SILs are among the most toxic mean girls I have seen since middle school- at the last family reunion it was suggested that we all go shopping and the bitches ditched me. These SILs are an improvement over the last pair. His younger brother is an asshat who plays pop-psychologist. He occasionally insinuates that I have Munchausen-by-Proxy and that my son doesn't really have ASD. So fun times for me.

Alas, my family is worse. My dad and my late sister both went through a stint that involved dementia. Sister was a drug addict dying from complications of AIDS; dad had Alzheimer's and WKS (an alcohol-related dementia). Both had significant mental health challenges that included long standing sociopathic behavior and both attacked DH as a way to get me. 

And yet DH has my back. Early in our marriage when my sister was sick, delusional and angry that my DH told my parents she had AIDS (to allow them to prepare to care for her young children going forward). She made his life hell, and he had every reason to make her persona non grata, but I asked him to back off the criticism and support me. And he did. It was good practice for holding his tongue and being there when I went through a ghastly couple of years with my dad who was worse in many respects. He had my back when I had to travel to one of their out-of-state homes to deal with their medical stuff and later to move them back here. He found journal articles that helped me understand dad's diagnosis and prognosis (there's not much out there on WKS). He was a second pair of eyes when I toured a dozen MCFs. I don't think I could have supported my parents through dad's dementia without him supporting me.

That said, I don't constantly vent to my DH. I came here and I also used a couple of good friends to spare him the steady diet. 

HB

dayn2nite2

The level of hatred your wife has toward your mother actually is way out of proportion to reality.  I'm concerned about the comment that she "tried to kill" your mother but I'll leave that alone.

Not even being able to speak of or take a phone call regarding your mother in your own house again speaks to something being wrong with your wife (mental illness?  did you marry someone who is not your mother but acts like your mother?).

Is this marriage even a positive in your life or is it just familiar.  Your wife doesn't sound like a healthy partner for you.  Just like with your mother's situation, you need to put yourself first in your life and do what gives you a less stressful life.

abc123

You will not be judged here. Only you know what happened between your wife and mother. I’m sorry this has happened to you and your wife.

Unknown By Man

My wife is mentally stable but the reality is it is not easy to be with someone who is on the spectrum which I am. We have our own challenges but we get through them and when it is just our issues we are perfectly happy, it is all life has no issues. 

The core issue behind my wives hate towards my mom is my mother is a racist and my wife is black. She has been dealing with slide remarks since we started to date when I was in college and my mother still saw me as someone she had to protect. As my own personal therapist has stated another factor that has lead to my mother's hate which is not uncommon with mothers of children on the spectrum they feel threatened when their child find a partner, they feel as if they are getting replaced and or abandoned and will do many things to try and harm it.

I do not blame my wife for her feelings, why would you want someone that genuinely felt you are not good enough to be present at the wedding. Also at the core she is a very kind and sincere person she I can already tell she feels guilty about her stance but if someone or something causes you blind rage it is hard to be sound such a triggering element. 

Do not me wrong I wish my mother and wife got along I really do, and would love to make it possible. Though I also get how hard it is to want to associate with those who view you as lesser due to factors outside of your control, and while I get it I cannot fathom how hard it must be to get such treatment from a parent of the person you are with. 

Sure I got little remarks about being on the spectrum but that is normal for me and to a degree understandable since many do not know much about it. Though getting remakes because of the color of one's skin especially from a Hispanic? Being referred to as the girl for many years since my mother refused to learn her name because she thought it would not last. 

I do not think it is out of portion to reality, I will agree that certain things are overboard though this aspect of trying to live a second life is annoying to say the least.

Quilting brings calm

I replied last night and then deleted it because my reply wasn’t satisfactory to me.  I don’t know if this one will be satisfactory,  bad news never is. I only know one way to do what I’m going to say.  Very directly 

Unknown  - I’ve read all your posts in the last couple of weeks, including the one about your only facility choice. I thought your wife was a normal daughter in law by the way you described her previously,  now she sounds like a version of your mom.  You are between two individuals at war and neither of them winning is a good thing for you. 

I do not think that you and your wife will stay married. Your mom is mostly mentally ill and only mildly cognitive impaired.  She’s going to live for a long time yet and your wife is already all but out the door.  No matter what you do about your mom.  Even if you disown your mom and never have contact with her. On top of that, you chose to stay married to a person that didn’t bat an eye at attempted murder( if you are totally accurate in your description of the incident).  There is a good chance she could turn that anger on you someday. 

At this point, go ahead and put your mom in the facility.  But don’t be surprised if she is asked  to leave or she walks out.  She’s too high functioning to be in anything more than assisted living. But her screaming precludes that level. I understand that you are  at your wits end with your mom.  I totally agree that you need to step totally away from your mom for your own mental and physical health.  I just think there  will be issues that crop up that will still require your involvement. 

Your best option for you is to find a different therapist for yourself while you let this therapist deal with your wife.  Maybe attend a session or two when it becomes about the two of you instead of her. Before you stop going, print out your post here and show it to the therapist.  Your wife’s  therapist needs to know what your wife is capable of. Your new therapist needs to know too. Neither of them can do their best work without the facts. 

Most of us here have spouses that support us along this journey, at least emotionally in our home.  That’s not to say that they all actually jump in and help caregiving. Not every person is capable of that.  My spouse isn’t speaking to my step/dad right now, but two years ago he went with me halfway across the country to move them back home.  Because he knew I needed him. He will go with me to the assisted living facility when I need him to.  He will drop stuff off at the facility if I need him to. Which I currently do as I am recovering from an injury.

Edited to add:  I posted before I saw your reply right above mine.  Your added detail about your wife’s race and your moms racism further explains the animosity between the two.  But it doesn’t change the fact that you will need to totally disown your mom to keep your wife. Even then, you are your moms next of  kin.  There will be things come up that will make your wife as angry as she was before. 

dayn2nite2

Okay, I am going to put this in a framework of what a "normal" reaction would be and you can see your wife takes it to a whole other level.

Is racism acceptable?  Absolutely not.  BUT - the answer to this in the context of you being the only person who can direct your mother's health care and placement issues is for your wife simply to not be in her presence.  That's normal.  What ISN'T normal is for you not to be able to take a phone call about your mother or even speak about your mother inside your house.  That is not normal at all.

I agree that you've married the emotional equivalent of your mother and the way your wife treats you feels familiar (UBM doesn't get to have his own life, his life is directed by a woman, UBM needs to choose her or me) and this marital relationship adds nothing positive in your life.

The fact that she tolerates your being on the spectrum really isn't enough to sustain this relationship.

What happens when you say "I am obligated to take phone calls regarding my mother and directing her care.  I will take them in the house.  If you don't like it, YOU leave" - You would not be asking her to have a relationship with your mother or be in direct contact with her.  Would your wife take off?  Probably.  And there you have your answer.  A normal person would understand you have a responsibility that you are trying to take care of without involving her.

Unknown By Man

I will not expand on what means my wife used in trying to take the life of my mother, though it was for from physical which also one of the reasons I refuse to leave them alone even for a moment, cause if she snaps I would never know. When my father was alive she was, but the way it has been explained to me here and by others. Sure she was able to play nice during family get togethers with both of them together because she respected and cared for my father. 

That said maybe I am blind but I do not see the comparison to my wife and mother. I mean the emotional manipulation is the the closest thing though from what I have read it is not uncommon for married couples to pose choices between parent and partner in later years of the parents life. As others have stated she has seen the hardships my mother has casued us even before she was "sick" that just does not go away after someone is ill. She may not notice but I have seen the books she has bought regarding dementia. I can see she has tried I will never tell her that I know. In short my wife is aware of her limitations and is not a fan of them, and her only outward aggression outside of isolation and ignoring the existence of my mom was fueled by the sudden loss of my father and the realization that I am all my mother has left for better or worse. As stated yes she will be alive for a long time to come, which means she will be in my life and unfortunately by proxy in hers for many years. That realization must have been hard. Not justifying the action buy I also have no room to judge since I have also thought and have planned it out. If my wife did not call 911 I would have done it also that night.

I also get where she might be coming from my mom had many chances to try and make peace even before getting sick and even when my father was alive. No attempts were made, the attempts only after my father passed and she realized that the family she thought so highly of abandoned her. No one came to my father's funeral from her side of the family not any of her siblings that live in the area. Even then those were mostly small actions, they started fo become for aggressive attempts at peace when I refused to pick her up from the ER and she was left alone in the home. 

We all know where she is going is not a right fit, and I will try to get her a better placement or her back in her home. Her landlord is okay with freezing her rent and not filling the unit I know for certain she is not coming back. I also get thay I will be fielding many issues even my wife brought it up that this placement will not solve much of anything. I will be heavily involved and the facility will be calling me fairly often.

Unknown By Man

I do see where you are coming from, on other hand if it was not for my wife I would also be paying for my mother's care. My wife does impact my choices but she does so in such a way that is for my benefit. The aspect of control from my wife's begins and ends when others are trying to take advantage of me because I have a hard time saying no. 

I do have my own life, the only thing she has ever put her foot down is in regards to the amount of care I give my mom, and or others. I tend to be overly giving at times and if it was for my wife I would be largely taken advantage of. In truth she does not need me, she has a well paying job, our finances for the most part are separate, she has her things and I have mine. Nothing is holding her to me, I doubt a tiny peace of paper that states we are married is what is keeping her with me.

It is hard to express the positive impact she has on my life in just words alone and I know the actions I have painted frame her in a less then ideal light but I see daily the pain how she feels towards my mother causes her, but hey it is not easy to forgive and forget. Some people just hold grudges it is clearly something she is not proud and limitation she is aware of. 

We all have faults as humans, my mother on the other hand thinks she is perfect and is always quick to blame others for her problems. Nothing is her fault. At the core she they both may not be team players at the very least my wife is aware and has made closet admits to try and adjust. She was with me despite how much it hurt her when we went upstate to get away from my mother when I refused to pick her up at the ER. 

My mom would not have done that.

In other news the facility she is going to is harsh. She mentions wanting to harm herself once off to the ER she does, if they are not able to redirect her easily off to the ER she goes, she walk around going to others rooms off to the ER she goes. Fun times are ahead for me.

abc123

Is it possible to make your mother a ward of the state? I don’t know what that involves but a member here, several years ago, did it. Her mother was extremely difficult, and she just could not deal with it and have a normal life of her own.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m so sorry for your trouble with this horrible situation.  I’m also sorry you are here needing to defend your marriage.  I believe we all have some crazy a** stuff going on in our lives while dealing with this darn dementia crapola.  All the baggage in our lives rears up at odd times or all the time. We all just do the best we can, as do our SOs.  Some relationships make it, some don’t, dementia or not.  I’m just going to do today, tomorrow can wait. 

With that being said, if your mom’s fatal disease was cancer, would your wife be less closed off? 

This caregiving task is very isolating as it is without the added rejection from our immediate and extended family.  I so hope you feel supported soon.  

My hope for all of us is that we feel love and support during this very difficult journey and beyond. 

Unknown By Man

I am an idiot that does not want to abandon my mother and leave her to the whims of the State, I will do what I can that is within my power so even if it does come to that I can say at the very least I tried and did not give up simply because it was hard to find right placement. While the state will simply shove her in the place that will take her. 

To answer the question about cancer I do not know, I will say if my mother had cancer and it was terminal, and she was in pain, or was going to lose her hair things like that. She would take her own life. If I am being honest with myself and everything else played out the same father died, same level of control but was of sound mind? To be frank I still think no one would be on her side, and for the most part would be happy she is suffering as she is now. My mom is not a good person. 

She hates pain, and she is very vain and into appearances.