Challenges ways to deal with unwilling placement of LO.

Unknown By Man

I did briefly mention in another thread that my mother will be placed soon. Though given the nature of her behaviors my options were extremely limited, due to that. That one place that accepted my mother is dirty, unkempt, does not have a welcoming vibe, staff seems mesisreable overworked and they also appear understaffed. 

When I asked about Covid they told me expect her to get covid it less about if and more so when. Just the nature of facilities I was told. I took a tour of the place it was hell on earth and she lives in Staten island which is a cesspool in itself. Everyone appeared to be wheelchair bound the activity room was just a room with the TV on playing children shows, the activities I saw them do were coloring and folding napkins. 

I am conflicted I know this has to be done see cannot live alone in her apartment the hospital allowed her to discharge herself earlier this month cause I refused to pick her up. She was back in the ER a day later due to screaming the neighbors called 911. Her major issues is she needs constant compaionship due to extreme separation anxiety and unfortunately medications did not help.

She is fully capable of functioning she cooks, cleans, dresses herself. I have synced nearly everything to her alexia which she loves so she uses voice commends to control pretty much everything. Unfortunately I cannot do the same in this facility. The rooms are shared and ny unfortunately my mother is racist so that is fun. My mom is a picky eater and the food is terrible, so that is another thing I will be dealing with. I am unable to replace the TV and her bed, needs to be a medical bed and I offered to buy her a new one myself. Was told no cause they claim they like to keep things uniform to prevent confusion. 

Has anyone dealt with unwilling placement? What did you tell your loved one that is still able to retain information when they are not riddled with anxiety.

Tfreedz

I was wondering what happened after she went back to the apartment so thanks for the update. The place sounds awful for your mom but you are so limited as to where she can go. I would feel comforted that she is at the very least safe and not completely alone like at her apartment. This may not last very long so I would keep looking just to have a plan b,c,d...

Have you looked out of the city or upstate? I’m sure it is easier to be closer to her but you might have to widen your search, that is if you even want to be that involved anymore. 

I haven’t placed my mom yet but from what I gather on this forum, tell her it is temporary (with her behavior it actually might be). It also might be temporary until you can find somewhere better suited for her. I would say that every single time she complains, “Sorry mom, it was the best I could find so quickly, I’m trying to find someplace else for you.” Acknowledge she’s higher functioning then repeat your phrase.

I can’t remember if she has a mental health case manager and if so they should be the ones searching for appropriate housing for your mom. NY has several options for disabled adults including group homes which might be an option if she is legally deemed mentally disabled. 

Unknown By Man

I will be touring a few places Upstate and in NY in the coming weeks. Just currently dealing with this beast trying to make her as comfortable as I possibly can, I did another walk around today, and geez how this place is still open is beyond me. Such a soul crushing place no sense of joy, it felt more like a prison then anything. 

She does have a case manger from the state, but they are lazy, been complaining about being overworked. I legit created an email thread with APS, the case manger, and a couple of social workers so we can brain storm and work together. I have been the only one doing anything yay for a wonderful system. So I have been doing much of the leg work. Though I was told why should I care where she goes, she will not remember it in the future anyways. 

I will be looking into the Nursing Home Transition and Diversion wavier on Monday, let us see if I can get my mother on that. 

Tfreedz

I looked at the NHTD waiver very briefly...I don’t think it will work in my situation. My mom would love to live in her own home but needs 24hr supervision Medicaid won’t provide that and I don’t think the waiver will either. Also the isolation due to Covid has done a number on my mom who is very sociable. I think her remaining at home would not encourage activity or opportunities for socializing. We are upstate and all of the adult day care programs I have looked at are closed at this time. Not sure what you are hoping to gain from the waiver other than her going back to her apartment with more programs and assistance. Let me know if they provide anything else....

Unknown By Man

From what the manager of my mother's Adult Day care who was the one that told me about it. The waiver can be used in creative ways based off the agency it is used for. The manager has used it for those that her day care she runs to cover 24 hour care but in creative ways like the inclusion of day services, supervised outings to things like memory art cafés. So it is worth a try. She is going to help me get the most out the waiver if I get it. Problem is getting it. 

Covid has also messed me up my mom was not so bad when day services were open.

Ideally it will allow me to focus on being more of a son while still playing a role in her care. I am willing to take my mom to day services, outings, church events and the such like memory art cafés. This is my ideal cause my mom for the most part is active in her community she manages the garden of her apartment complex. Main issue is I am everything, I need the extra assistance. Hopefully this covid thing goes away soon. Cause my mom's apartment is near a cultural center, that has musical events which my mom did like to go with my dad. 

Unknown By Man

Tfreedz wrote:

I looked at the NHTD waiver very briefly...I don’t think it will work in my situation. My mom would love to live in her own home but needs 24hr supervision Medicaid won’t provide that and I don’t think the waiver will either. Also the isolation due to Covid has done a number on my mom who is very sociable. I think her remaining at home would not encourage activity or opportunities for socializing. We are upstate and all of the adult day care programs I have looked at are closed at this time. Not sure what you are hoping to gain from the waiver other than her going back to her apartment with more programs and assistance. Let me know if they provide anything else....

Hey just wanted to update you regarding the NHTD, I am not sure if things are the same for upstate. Though for the city the program will cover all forms of home care, so it will cover day service transportation and then homecare for the weekends and remaining hours. The process takes 90 days but the way the explained it is think of it as a nursing home at home. So they will have aids take her the appointments or even have doctors come to the home. It appears the intention behind the waiver is for family that is still involved and wishes to remain involved but just need help and cannot be the persons everything. It does depend on the agency that accepts the waiver some do more then others, and with clever use of accounting it is possible to stretch it out. 

This program is ideal for people in that middle area where many hours of care are needed but more so for social aspects so they will have agencies that will take her out using access a ride through the day if need be. Though I will still be able to go back to being my moms son. Sure it does not solve all my issues but it does take a large burden off my shoulders. 

Tfreedz

Wow, sounds like it offers more than I thought it would. Might be an ideal situation for you. As for my mom, I’m just not sure what she will do when she is alone. If I leave her alone (reading and calm) I come back from going outside and she’s a basket case. I have to write detailed notes on what I’m doing and still she gets stressed. Her doc says she needs 24hr care for her safety but that is extremely expensive and unreliable to do in her home I was told staffing is too short everywhere and long waiting lists due to covid. My mom is physically very healthy and mobile, she just needs someone for her confusion. I can help a lot but I do have a child at home and don’t want to give up our lives to run and help with hers everyday. She has been living with us for last 5 months but we can’t leave her alone. Even with a caregiver who comes twice a week for a few hours so we can escape our home...it is too much.

 Let us know if you go that route with the waiver and how it all works out. 

I hope your mom will allow others to be involved in her life.....as you mentioned she seems to want only you doing everything which is impossible!

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Unknown By Man

Victoria2020 wrote:

Sorry to be Debbie Downer but won't your Mom just scream and regress with the care agency like she did in the hospital to try to get you to show up?

 Having an agency involved won't change your mother's basic mental make-up. Just gives her more people to push around trying to get to you.

Give it a try, sure but I think you need a ready to go back-up; like an appointed guardian or you'll just be getting sucked into the vortex by more people.

I wonder if you aren't trying for the impossible  - your Mom happy and doing social things like when your Dad was alive when that's beyond her now ; and in the meantime you are risking your health and marriage. Protect what is real first .

I expressed that concern to the agency that will be handling my mother's waiver, and they put it this way which is harsh but I understand. This comes down to money and as an agency they will do all they can to keep the money in their hands. The day serive, the HHA agency etc. . . So they told me not to worry about the worker. In short they told me dealing with your mom will be their problem and only way they will be able to drop the case is she gets violent. My mom has only gotten violent once and it has never happened since. My mom's more manipulative then anything but I have cameras in place so the reality so if anyone claims anything I have proof.

I do not have to worry much about the day center since it will not be a new place my mom has been their in the past just covid made it rough. 

Doing social things is not beyond my mon she is still capable the crux is I cannot be the sole aspect of entertainment / social engagement and her sole primary caregiver. End of the day she is my mother and as her son I will not feel right unless I try to do everything possible to maintain what little quality of life she has for as long as possible. I am willing to compromise myself to a degree to do so. Reality is about of stress I would feel around having to keep my mom in this sorry excuse or a care facility would cause me greater harm then anything. 

End of the day I understand the realities of life they are not legally allowed to do many things but that will not stop them and complaining after the action is done is pointless since the harm has already been done. Living like that would cause me greater harm to myself, and my marriage. If I leave my mom in any old facility or let her become a ward of the state without exhausting every possible avenue I never forgive myself and may even potentially form resentment towards my and others. I will become a different person, a spiteful and hateful person. 

It is my duty to try and be the best possible avoidcate for my mom. I know my father would not want me to lay down and just say it is too hard. I will not let her take control over my entire life but I do understand that for my own moral system I do have a moral obligation to at the very least try to do what is best for my mother's own quality of life. I have more control over the quality of my mother's care if she is at home verse in a cesspool of a facility that should not even be open. When you have a staff member telling you this is where they send people to die. I will not be sleeping well. 

merrycaregiver

Dealing with possible unwanted placement of day per MSW who berated me (former Nurse Practitioner) while she dictated read "HE CAN NOT BE AT HOME!!!  HE NEEDS TO BE IN NSG HOME OR ASSISTED LIVING...IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM I WILL HOLD YOU LEGALLY RESPOSIBLE!! Now APS via same agency & APS via my email report are involved...What a mess & I'm a 'newbie' on top of it

merrycaregiver

Sounds like a 'living nightmare'!  Have you had any resolution? 

Be very, very careful of Guardianship. 

NOTE: google 'Predatory Guardianship'