little things I miss

LadyTexan

I miss a good night's sleep.

I miss being able to have a cup of coffee while it it is still hot.

I miss watching a show or reading an article without interruption.

I miss jumping in the car to run an errand or just going no where for no reason.

It is heartbreaking to realize that if I am ever able to do these things again, it will be because my husband is gone. I will miss him more than words can say. I will have more time than I know what to do with. The little things I miss now are so trivial. I certainly took those trivial things for granted. I also took my happy healthy husband for granted. Sometimes I want to scream at Normal people "appreciate what you have before it is too late." I am sad that I am learning the lesson the hard way.

Crushed

I never thought I could miss DW so much for so long.  She went into memory care in Oct 2017. I live alone.  A comfortable but almost joyless life.  50 years ago we lived on the same dormitory floor. She was 19.   She would talk to me endlessly about anything but would not go out with me. We would sit in the stairwell for hours.   She was a staunch early feminist and I suspected she had been mistreated by guys who had no idea how to partner a brilliant young woman.  She had the poster that said a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

 

But I persisted and 1972 ended with her agreeing to marry me.  She said I could cook and run a house and would make a fine wife and she needed one  
 

 

Beachfan

Lady Texan,

I hear you and I am one step ahead of you.  DH just finished up 8 weeks in placement.  I sleep undisturbed at night, I drink hot coffee/tea, I watch TV and read uninterrupted, I jump in the car and go places on a whim.  You are correct.  I miss him more than words can say; I have more time to myself than I know what to do with.   And yes, I took all those trivial things for granted; until I realized that “I” was slipping away. I know my decision was the right one for me.  I think of you often; I hope and pray that you are able to cope, continue to move forward with your positive attitude and see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Stay strong.  

DrinaJGB

I miss the person who knew me better than anyone else and loved me anyway. I really miss being able to have conversations every day and talking over things. I miss being able to express my feelings without being judged. I miss being completely adored and making love. I miss gifts and flowers and cards and trips together and eating out together. I miss his absolute genius mind.

  I miss the feeling that no matter what he will always have my back.

I have felt like I am keeping myself afloat by treading water for a dozen years in an utterly surreal world this soul-sucking brain injury has left behind.

  Never in a million years would I have ever been prepared for this.

Crushed

Ive posted this before I hope nobody minds 

Empty Bed at Dawn

An empty bed

An empty room

An empty life

Nothing but gloom

Her body  walks

But she is gone

There are no talks

To fill the dawn

They comb her hair

And paint her nails

Dress her in blue

And shirts with sails

My princess bride

She came to be

The  golden life

She built with me

She stunned the world

With grit and brains

She’s in the books

They know her name

We walked with bears

And Rhinos too

Dove coral reefs

So deep and blue

We raised two girls

So bright and strong

I lean on them

To get along

Fifty  years

It seems too few

Her clothes are blue

And I am too

mrahope

Thanks for the poem...I hadn't seen it before..brought a tear to my eyes.

Paris20

“There are no talks to fill the dawn” really resonates for me. My husband and I loved to talk politics. We planned travel together. We made each other laugh. Now, when he watches the news, DH yells at the TV, curses those with whom he disagrees, and often ends his diatribe by suggesting someone kill those on the wrong side of his beliefs. At first I was ignorant enough to think he was being metaphorical. Now I realize he was speaking his mind, what’s left of it. I feel guilty for thinking that he sounds like an idiot but I’ve stopped engaging him in political discussions because I’m reminded of just how much has been lost.

Ernie123

This forum helps me accept my state in life when I read there are so many others who share the same sense of loss after placement of their LO that I continue to feel. I don’t know why that is so other than I think I can work through this if others can. I am now starting my third year of living alone and some days it still feels like the first week. I try to focus on the future but occasionally  I am triggered by the smallest reminder of the wonderful life we shared before. I had assumed that once the overwhelming stress of 24/7 caregiving was lifted, and it was literally overwhelming me before the move, I would feel relief and I could make a new life that was fulfilling on my own. Boy, was I wrong. Two years in I still feel the  intense grief of  loss of a spousal relationship. I visit her daily and, while I am so grateful for the loving compassionate care she receives, I feel such sadness to see her so confused and incapable as compared to her former self. I think Covid has made transition to single life more challenging for all of us. Opportunities to join social groups, visit friends and family have been curtailed making living alone more difficult. I thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. Putting these difficult thoughts and feeling into words and sharing with others on the same journey is somehow therapeutic for me. 

abc123

Dear Lady, I don't think these things are trivial because they are your feelings. I think we are supposed to enjoy the little things in life. I do understand what you are saying though. This awful disease really does take everything away from us and our loved one. I watch my dad sit next to mom's hospital bed and it makes me incredibly sad. Losing a parent or sibling to dementia is bad enough. I don't know if I could stand up to the challenge if it were my spouse. I have a deep respect for everyone here on the spouse/partner forum.

Joydean

Lady Texan, I agree with you on all the little things I miss. But sometimes it seems all the little things add up and put more stress on the caregivers. I miss just talking about things, especially our kids. Our daughter in law came down with Covid, then our son. Son is a police officer and became they are so short handed right now he has been working 12 to 14 hours a day. He was only sick/felt bad one day but still had to stay off 5 days, then oldest daughter came down with it, and 2nd daughter that is RN. She has been the sickest, got better went back to work for 2 days and tested positive again, granddaughter has! They were not around each other any of this time. But I can’t tell this to my husband. If he even understood what I was talking about, and if he did he would panic. So all I can do is pray for them and text them. I hate what this Alzheimer’s is doing and I know the life we had and all the plans we had made will never be. Like you I too want to just scream to others appreciate what you have and live every day as if it is your last! I ask God to give us strength to face each and every day’s challenges.

White Crane

Dear Lady T., some of these same thoughts were running through my head yesterday before I read your post.  I miss all the little things too!  I even miss some of the things that used to annoy me.  I miss his wit...even though it still breaks through sometimes.  I miss having a real conversation with him...about things that matter as well as about little things.  I miss our trips both near and far.  I miss the beautiful cards he used to make for me on Valentines Day, my birthday, and our anniversary.  I miss seeing him sitting at his computer or grabbing his binoculars to go birding.  I miss our lovemaking.  There are so many things I miss that just writing about it has started me crying. 

Stuck in the middle

Tim McGraw recorded a song called "Live Like You Were Dying."  

The point is, decide what you would do if the doctors gave you a year to live.  Now, go do it.