Just when I thought it can’t get worse

Saya_G

I posted a while back about my mom and sis. Mom is moderate to severe (favoring severe), sis has been diagnosed with pseudo dementia, then broke her hip. After surgery sis’s dementia symptoms worsened. We placed mom while sis was in hospital for surgery. Sis was sent to rehab, everyone she dealt with said she can’t live alone, she needs a caregiver. No one is in the position to take on that responsibility - assisted living was really her only option.

Last I posted, sis was happy with her facility and had made friends there, sis wanted me to move mom to her facility so they could be together. Everyone in this group that posted a reply warned against moving them into the same facility. I was very conflicted. Then my mother's hospice nurse called and said that she thought that they should be together. 

Nurse said she thought it would actually be better for Mom. Because the nurse knew both my mother and my sister (since they had lived together before my mother was moved into a facility), I decided to go with her advice.

Well - you all were right! It has been hell! 

My mother is now unhappy - she wasn’t thrilled to be at the last facility, but was adjusting. Sis now complains about Mom, they often argue. Mom tries to escape, Sis calls me constantly complaining about the facilities cigarette policies.

Cigarettes are all sis thinks about! She resents that the nurses lock up the residents cigarettes, to be handed out three times a day! I was there earlier today, for the three hours that  I was there all Sis did was complain about wanting cigarettes! “They haven’t given me any cigarettes.” (Which is most likely not true.) “When can I get cigarettes?” “I think I’m out of cigarettes!” Over and over and over - about every ten minutes! 

Well tonight the admin called, they are kicking sis out! She saved one of the cigarettes from her late afternoon cigarette break (they give her two cigarettes at each break time); she snuck into her restroom and lite up! One of the nurses smelled the smoke. Since she snuck - she knew she was in the wrong - can’t blame dementia! They have a zero tolerance policy. 

She has no where to go! She can’t go back to where she was living, she is not physically or mentally able to take care of herself. She’s in a wheelchair! No one in the family can take her - or really wants to. 

And now, what about my mother? When Sis leaves (wherever she goes), Mom is going to want to go too!

So much has happen in the brief two weeks that they have been together!

Honestly I am physically ill. This is just too much!

harshedbuzz

I am so sorry it has come to this.

I would do whatever it takes to get mom back where she was before and hope for the best. I might take FMLA and bring mom to your place tonight. I would wash my hands of sis and inform them of their responsibility to find an alternate placement for sis. I might even revisit the CELA for steps to take to avoid being sucked into their problem. 

Saya_G

Thanks for your reply Harshedbuzz.

What is a CELA?

The admin has cited safety of the other residents as an issue. We are to meet today. 

harshedbuzz

Elder law attorney.

A professional to help protect you from being sucked into your sister's situation.

loveskitties

Dear Saya,

So sorry to hear of your situation with sis and mom.

One question which jumps out at me right away...how was sis allowed any matches or device to light a cig?  That has got to be a no-no for dementia patient.  Would certainly inquire about that with care facility.

As hard as it may be, you need to totally distance yourself from your sister's issues in order to save yourself and your mom.  If you are on any of her legal documents...POA, health, finance, or the like, please get yourself removed as soon as possible.  

As to your mom, while she may "want to go with sis" you have already found that their being together is a toxic situation for her.  You are going to have to stand firm that they cannot be together.  Her temporary unhappiness with that is a small price to pay.

In a perfect world you would be able to care for and please both of them.  The reality is that neither is possible.  

Too often we are put in a situation requires that we put our head before our heart in making decisions regarding the safety and well being of our LO and ourself.

Hugs and hope that you will soon have better days.

Quilting brings calm

Just because your mom will want to go with her doesn’t mean she will have the means to do so. However if I were you, I would get her name back on the waiting list where she was before. A facility with a zero tolerance policy is not a good place for a cognitively impaired  person.   They don’t understand rules. So your mom might end up being asked to leave at some point for any reason 

I wish I had some advice for you.  Were you given a certain amount of time? When my MIL was asked to leave her independent living facility due to disagreeable behaviors, she was given a 30 day notice.  This gave my BIL time to find another one.  One several miles out of town where she didn’t have as many people to interact with    

The smoking is going to be an issue wherever you go. An impaired person ( whatever your sisters mental impairment actually is) is dangerous around matches and lighters. Can you have her doctor prescribe a nicotine patch and then give your sister straws etc to hold to keep her hands busy?