Newly Wed with 4 yr old and Living with Mother with Alzheimer's

lnaherns79

Hi Everyone,

I am new here. My mom is 68 yrs old and was diagnosed with early onset dementia 2 yrs ago. 1 yr ago we had a test done that confirmed biomarkers for Alzheimer's. 

I am a newly wed (05/2021) and have a 4 yr old son. We currently live in the basement with my mom due to her not being able to be home alone.

I am struggling with working full time, being a mom full time and a new wife full time, as well as a caregiver.

Mom has lost understanding of how to use her phone. She is not able to understand her finances any longer, is no longer able to drive, and not able to safely do her medications. I am now in charge of all of this.

My older brother is also helping, however he lives 2 hours away. No matter how many times we ask her to not mess with her finances, she does it anyway. She gets very irritated and angry at the pets and my 4 yr old son. I'm not sure when it is time to try to get her into memory care/assist living. I'm scared to do so as I feel she will be angry for having freedoms taken away.

My marriage is now struggling from the stress, and my kiddo is acting out because he can sense the stress.

I guess I'm not even sure what my question is. How do you all, that have young families, work to take care of your LO 100% of the time?

Unknown By Man

In truth you really cannot, caring for a child while also taking care of an adult child is borderline impossible while living in the same space. It would be a different story if your mom had her own place and had things systems in place like HHA, adult day services to share the burden so to speak.

M1

Welcome Inaherns.  There are others here in your position, which is a practically impossible one.  I would personally say your marriage and your son should be your priority.  Who has power of attorney for your mother?  That needs to happen first, perhaps you and your brother can consult a certified elder law attorney (see nelf.org) if this hasn't been addressed. Whoever has POA can pursue placement.  Good luck.

Tfreedz

Welcome Inaherns, but sorry you have to be here!

 I think you already know what needs to happen, you can see the stress on your marriage and child this is already causing. It is hard emotionally to take action but you have to put your family first. 

My mom has lived with my husband and our 14 year old son for the last 5 months and we are getting ready to place her in MC. It is just too much and I’m retired! The amount of time of drain and strain of caregiving for someone who is constantly confused has had a negative affect on our family. We were always a very active family, out and about and traveling. That changes when you can’t leave your PWD home alone or can’t bring them with you because it is too stressful. We have a caregiver come in twice a week for two hours each and that still is not enough free time for our family. I felt so guilty thinking I was doing this TO my mom but as others have pointed out I’m doing it FOR my mom. Keeping her safe, active, and social is a huge deal for me...that’s what I’m hoping placement will achieve for her. Us getting back to our normal life and returning to being her daughter rather than caregiver is what I’m hoping placement with achieve for me.

If I were you, I would start researching places, taking tours and figuring out how she can afford to live in a facility. Until then, I would look for caregivers or HHA’s to come in to give your family a break.