Emergency Contact?

arizonadianne

New to this forum, and new to the realization of DH’s dementia behaviors (no diagnosis yet). I’m discovering things I haven’t thought of before.

I need some medical care, scheduled next week, and for the first time, I don’t want DH to be my “Emergency Contact.” We are a couple with a combined 6 grown children, his- & hers- but none of our own. His children are geographically close, and mine are not. All legal paperwork is done with primary & backup MPOA’s etc.

But what have you done when needing to select an emergency contact? I don’t want to burden  his family with my medical drama if possible—knowing it may never be necessary. Can an emergency contact be a family member that lives far away? Or just a friend? 

Thank you in advance for any suggestions.

jfkoc

My emergency contact is a friend who always answers her phone. She know how to get hold of everyone.

Stuck in the middle

Your emergency contact has to be someone you trust to be able and willing to help you when everything goes wrong.  I am struggling with that myself.  I think nearby would be better.

His family might be the best choice.  If he has dementia, your emergency contact might have to provide some level of care for him as well as for you- if not this time, maybe next time.

sandwichone123

If the hospital called and you were having a medical emergency and they needed to know whether to perform an additional surgery, do a code, let you go, etc., who would you trust to understand the question and know what you would want?

harshedbuzz

arizonadianne-

First, let me say I do hope the agent on your POA and Health Directive is someone other than your husband. With dementia. a reciprocal arrangement is no longer safe or appropriate.  

Often, the "emergency contact" is the same as the POA. I am both for my mom. I was actually contacted when she was admitted to the hospital with autoimmune liver failure and the hospital staff quickly surmised that dad lacked the cognition to act as next-of-kin for her and probably wasn't safe home alone. The hospitalist also worked at the PCP where mom had included me on her paperwork. Things were not going well, and I made the trip from PA to FL. 

That said, if you are more comfortable with a good friend that's always a choice. As people get older, often care becomes more complicated. It might be prudent to name an emergency contact who is familiar with your medical history and who can provide that kind of information if necessary. You want someone who can understand and absorb information and who will disseminate meaningful updates to those who you'd want informed. 

HB

David J

My emergency contact is one of my brothers, a 5 hour drive away. He has not had to intervene yet, but has proven that he can drop everything and be here the same day. Capable and willing. He and I were the ones who acted for each of my parents as they declined in assisted living, flying down south several times for emergencies. 

Do you have amyone who is able to get to you within a day? Anyone skilled in remote work environments who could manage from out of town?

arizonadianne

Thank you all for sharing your suggestions & experiences. It’s a lot to think about, isn’t it!

Gig Harbor

Welcome Diane. I am also a retired RN caring for my husband. I did put together a binder with information about medical, investment and house information. I listed my daughter as an emergency contact and also a friend who lives nearby so she.could come and stay with my husband. You should list his children because they would need to care for him and then your children to make any medical decisions on your behalf. Make sure he is no longer your POA. You could talk with your children and see who wants to be the main contact. I am in the process of looking at memory care facilities in case something happens to me. I want to have a list of 3 or 4 to make it easier for my daughter. He is definitely at the point where I would never leave him alone. He has forgotten how to make any food for himself and where things are in the house. It is such a sad disease.

harshedbuzz

Dianne-

Another piece to this is whether the emergency contact is for a one-off situation like a planned medical procedure (cataract surgery) where basically you need a driver or an ongoing responsibility in the case of an unplanned situation (car accident or broken hip) in which someone needs to step in for your DH and/or you. 

It's great that you have the paperwork in place, but what about the Plan B? If you were admitted to the hospital with a broken hip this afternoon, would one of his children come to the house and provide care until you could take over? Would they cobble together a schedule taking turns? Would one of them bring him to their place for the duration? Most PWD function best when their routine is maintained- a caregiver MIA can really impact how well a PWD is able to function. Mom was hospitalized for TKR when dad was in the middle stages. His sainted cousin stayed with him for a few days and we saw a real downturn in his cognition and behavior with "his person" unavailable to him. 

What about you, if you needed rehab after the surgery, which SNF/rehab would be your first choice? What about if DH needed rehab- are there some in your community that are better with PWD? 

And in case no one mentioned it, your DH is not the primary agent on your POAs, is he? If so, he should not be. When dad was initially diagnosed after mom almost died with him as her advocate, getting a POA for her was the first thing I did.

HB