Treating my dad like a child

MerriMom

My dad lives with me and my family. He often behaves in a way that my 2 daughters aren’t allowed to behave. We lead by example and hold my dad to the same standards as our children. For example:  Yesterday we ate spaghetti for supper. Dad didn’t eat all his food. We told him to put his bowl in the fridge so he could finish it later. Dad went to his room, and a few minutes later he went to the kitchen. He got a popsicle for dessert. We told him to finish his spaghetti first. He said that he would eat it later. He took his popsicle to his bedroom. Then a few minutes later he went back to the kitchen and got his bowl from the fridge. He showed us that he got his leftover supper. Then when he finished eating it, he showed us the empty bowl and patted his full stomach, pointing out to us that he had eaten all of his supper. 

My question is this:  Why didn’t he just eat his supper first and then get a popsicle?  

I wouldn’t let my girls do what my dad did yesterday. But I can’t make my dad do what I told him to do. So what can I do in these situations?  Just let him eat his popsicle first?  Do I even tell him to eat his supper first?  

Marta

I see from your profile that  your Dad has a diagnosis of dementia. 

The learning curve for new dementia caregivers is quite steep. Please download “Understanding the Dementia Experience”, which is free, and not long. I think it will give you some understanding of your father’s condition and why you cannot expect him to behave rationally. 

His reasoner is broken.  Your expectation of rational behavior will only lead to frustration and tensions in the household. 

Unknown By Man

My take when it comes to such behaviors that are not dangerous I just let them do it. Trying to correct it would be far more stressful. Though I get how it may look with children cause you are essentially letting an adult do what they please. Though I think when it comes to these disease trying too correct non destructive behaviors is a pure exercise in futility.

I say let him eat what he wants, as long as he is eating his dinner I do not personally see much issue.

harshedbuzz

Merrimom-

This is a link to the piece Marta mentioned.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

I found it the single most useful thing I read in terms of understanding the impact of this progressive disease on my dad's thinking/behavior and prioritizing my own reactions to it. 

While it is tempting and at time useful (around safety issues) to think of a PWD in terms of a role reversal with us stepping into the parental role- it is also important to realize that your dad is an adult and as such is entitled to a certain amount of agency around low-stakes decisions. 

I would expect most typically developing children older than toddler-age could appreciate that certain household rules don't apply to their grandfather and why.

In your shoes, I would let him eat the Popsicle and then offer reheated pasta later if he were hungry later. As the disease progresses, foods that were once favored may no longer be enjoyed and at some point, one aims for nutrition but will accept calories and hydration with the odd Ensure/Boost to cover the bases.

HB

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Rescue mom

Victoria’s comparison—like trying to force a blind person to read—is really good, I’ll probably steal it and use in the future.

I often tell others that dealing with a PWD is kind of like dealing with a big toddler, because it’s the closest quickest thing I can say. 

But you can’t hold a PWD to the same standards. Their brain is not growing and developing like a child does, their brain is literally getting smaller, and it won’t grow back. You teach a child how to grow (not just physically) and develop, how to “act right.” A PWD is not going to grow or develop, it will be the opposite. Rational and logical and concern for “good behavior” are no longer in play.

It’s hard to have “two standards” with younger kids in the house, who may not yet understand why gramps is treated differently. Everything with this disease is hard, but having littles, too, is even harder. I’m sorry you have to be here.

That piece mentioned by others, Understanding the Dementia Experience, is the most helpful thing I’ve read by far. 

Emily 123

Hi Merrimom and welcome,

Yep--let him eat it.  It's not a big deal and the disease sets our loved ones up to lose, every day. 

It's really hard to understand all the changes that are occurring as the loved one's abilities decline, because people are able to hang onto their ability to interact and have a conversation that makes sense. 

It sounds like your dad's short term memory is fairly affected now.  Without that, he will be very much 'in the moment'. He will not be able to remember things past a few minutes. He's going to struggle with things that take more than a few simple steps.  How to order things during a task or remember what to do will become challenging.

 If you distract him he will redirect. That's good if something comes up and he gets upset, but frustrating for you both if he's trying to get something done.  You can see this in your story.  Your dad retained enough memory to know he was eating after he went to his room the first time, but he wasn't retaining the memory of what parts of the meal he had eaten. 

If you haven't already, now is a good time to work with him while he still has capacity to assign POA, get his financials in order, make sure that he signs HIPPA paperwork at his doctor's office so you can be involved when he needs it, find out what his medical wishes are, etc. (Is he driving and should he be?) If moving to assisted living is up for discussion, then now might be a good time to move him--while he can still build a routine. I'm not pushing this as something to do, just recommending that sometimes sooner is better if it's in the mix.  Every family is different, just as every person with dementia is different.   From what you've said,  he probably won't be able to make the decision about what place he likes best (won't remember them).

The' Dementia Care Strategies' article is excellent.  

This website talks about the stages and has an extensive checklist you can sign up to download (they don't spam) https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

These were helpful for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

https://www.youtube.com/embed/videoseries?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkKi9_-tYbQ

Best wishes,

Paris20

I’ve said that the initial stages of dementia are like living in the movie «Groundhog Day» but the later stages are more like «Benjamin Button.» Your father’s brain is broken and cannot be repaired. This means his memory is failing, he cannot be reasoned with, he won’t learn new skills, and old skills and behaviors are lost. 

I agree with others who advised you to read that article. It’s the most practical and understandable explanation of what goes on in dementia diseases that I’ve read. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer Disease in 2015. It took a great deal of reading and experience for me to learn how to deal with it. I’m still learning because the disease changes every day for every individual. Be patient with your father and with yourself. To paraphrase Bette Davis, «Fasten your seatbelt. You’re in for a bumpy ride.»

mommyandme (m&m)

I think you will be better able to reason and explain to your children than your father.  Let him be the man he is for as long as possible and make some of his own harmless decisions. 

Besides a popsicle could be the only way to get liquids into him at some point.   

monkeyapple

Agree and Accommodate are always your best options. The truth is you can never blame your father for anything he is doing because he truly doesn’t have control.

You have to change your mentality from he is weird / I am mad at him for acting this way to he is sick and the best thing we can do is help him. Then I would start watching YouTube videos and think of things he loves (start a list) — if the man likes baseball, record baseball games and play them every night. 

It’s always tough with kids, but they are smarter than you think. A tough truth. 

I am sorry I can’t share more hopeful news, but the toughest thing to accept is that he won’t change and the only thing that can are the people around him and their behavior.

Be strong. 

Kat37

You can not hold your father to the same standards as your children since it's impossible. His brain is compromised, you reasoning with him or scolding him will only lead to anger and frustration.

May flowers

This is a very good explanation - children are progressing and learning, dementia patients are regressing and “unlearning”

I let my FIL eat whatever he wants. At some point you just become glad they are eating at all.

MerriMom

I read that. Thank you. I still have to take a deep breath and remind myself of this before reacting to him.

MerriMom

I am telling my husband these things as I learn them and am reminding him that my dad is different now, and it will do us no good to argue with him or correct his behavior. Thank you

MerriMom

Thank you!  I read it.

MerriMom

I know that he acts younger than my children at times. That makes it difficult for me to remember that he is a grown man. That’s why I have trouble knowing what to do in these situations.

toolbeltexpert

MerriMom wrote:

I read that. Thank you. I still have to take a deep breath and remind myself of this before reacting to him.

You said something that struck a chord with me. Breathe. that is something I am still learning to do. When you have trails with your love one you tend to forget to breathe, so your brain is gonna struggle to cope. Teepa Snow does a great video about this I don't have a link but maybe someone else has it. Sorry you need to be here, but you're in the right place.we are all in this together.

toolbeltexpert

Here is a link to the video about teepa snow I will probably  watch it again. Slo learner 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgPm8RMa48&ved=2ahUKEwj38pnJltz1AhVdl2oFHR7iAEwQwqsBegQIJhAE&usg=AOvVaw0BMLU9pqxBmBotUXWbXms3

Sandwitched

This sounds so familiar! My dad (81, with moderate dementia) has lived with us for the past 3 years. Recently, he started eating ice cream 2-3 x a day, even in the morning. He will skip meals but then is constantly in the pantry or fridge looking for a snack. When my hubby gave me a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, Dad ate 5 pieces within about two minutes. He will also clean out a package of cookies in 1-2 days, then, if asked about it, confabulate that “it must’ve been (my teen son)”.  My hubby keeps reminding me that Dad is living on “borrowed time” (he also has ESRD and pre-leukemia) and calls it Dad’s “Fuc#-It Diet”! After reading the aforementioned article, I understand better that this is the disease progressing. We just have to hide any treats we want to keep around for more than a day. I’ve also explained to my teens that Grandpa’s strange behaviors are part of his disease process and am grateful that they have been quite patient with him.